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      Happy Birthday
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      hello there
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      Hey man! I really appreciate the compliment, thanks! I'm trying to write more stuff similar to it. If you're interested I have a bit more music on my youtube, for example search for "Wise Owl - Staying In" on youtube. what kind of music do you write? if you fancy liking me on facebook too that'd be swell
      - ww w.facebook.com/wiseowlnoise

      much love xo
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    About SzuruDusk

    Basic Information

    Date of Birth
    July 6, 1993 (27)
    About SzuruDusk
    In Waking Life...
    I'm... Pretty boring.
    My imagination is a forest growing faster than the fire. I have an iron willpower. But I understand where I stand in the world. I love the world and only expect positive thoughts and situations.

    AND I'M SO FUNNY, HURR HURR. But I know when to *ahem* become serious. I'm probably pretty crazy, but - some of the most amazing humans and thoughts were also just that.

    I've decided lately that I'm interested in setting my will towards the advancement of consciousness. I want to learn more about the self- in all its forms. And I want to learn more about the system we're in.

    Anyways holy damn, I ramble too much.
    No wonder I have so few lucid dreams. Dx
    Country Flag:
    guitar/singing/music, philosophy/poetry, dreaming, gaming
    Plasma Table Operator... I cut steel with lasers!
    How you found us:
    stumbled upon it by random Google searches for "lucid dreaming"



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    Recent Entries

    [The Devil is in the Dance] (An LSD induced waking dream.)

    by SzuruDusk on 04-08-2013 at 06:29 PM

    ================================================== ==============

    [Alright. I'll try to keep this to the point. Forgive my confusing scattered words. It's taken me my whole life to master this level of communication... and I'm still very far from being the Master.

    I'm assuming this topic is alright for DreamViews because it ties heavily into my dreams and general life.
    And I'm assuming people here will talk to me as if I'm not "psycho". And be quite loving and understanding.
    BLESS the ones who aren't offended at my words.

    If anyone has read Charles Fort's works, they'll understand what I mean when I say:

    In every truth lies the hint of what can be called fantasy, and
    in everyone's yarn there lurks something of what can be called the truth.

    Please keep this in mind. This is an experience that is a little "off".
    It's an experience- incompleted by the knowledge of what it was I experienced.
    I'm missing the right way to relate this to you.
    I know what I felt, and I know what I thought I understood about it.
    That is all. And nothing more. Like many humans, I am filled with pride and vanity.
    But I acknowledge that I TRULY know nothing.
    I am not claiming to know anything on these subjects.]

    All times are approximate.

    Please keep an open mind.

    This is my experience with Lucy.

    ================================================== =
    __________________________________________________ ____________________________

    My name is Austin.

    4 days ago, I experienced Lucy, aka "Acid" aka "LSD" with my "perfect-for-me" girlfriend.

    Her name is Alex.

    I love this tragic girl bottomlessly, so much it hurts. But this trip was different than with shrooms.
    This time, I caught a glimpse of one of those most peculiar facets of reality.
    I caught a glimpse beyond the veil. I felt something else's presence among the two of us.
    I think it was what the Alchemists and the Shamans and the Wizards and Philosophers
    and Dreamers and Scientists and more... would understand as "Lucifer".

    Not many people will understand what I'm about to say.
    That is because what I'm going to say CANNOT be put into these helpless words. Not in these hopeless worlds.
    Hopefully, someone on these forums who has experimented with altered consciousness-
    Will understand these metaphors and will relate. I hope someone knows what I'm talking about.
    I will do my BEST to explain them to the others who don't get it yet.
    This is why people who are actually on to something- are soon discredited as incoherent or such.
    What we seek cannot be put into words. The words will escape you like sand through fingers.
    Reminiscent of deja vu. If someone demands you explain these secrets, it won't happen. It can't.
    Experience is the only way. First-hand.


    I believe Lucifer can appear as and through different things to different people.
    But to me it was or was through the gentle and mysterious lover.
    The fiery serpentine chasing me up the spiral staircase.
    Lucy was the image in between the mirror. Behind the lights.
    She was there- but not in a physical sense. The lights would glow brightly when she was close.

    My experience with this "entity" was gentle. Loving. Harshly beautiful. With a tinge of dark.
    A hint of mystery. He/she told me things through my girlfriend. Beautiful things.
    The problem is- my girlfriend claims that I was lost in a trip the entire time.
    Conversations I thought I had between us, were just conversations with myself...
    Through my girlfriend. But I'll have to ask for more faith from YOU
    that I know that I was talking with "someone" whether it was my girlfriend
    or an "entity" of less-than-physical existence. It may very well all have been in my head.
    But I'm implying that perhaps that's how this thing works.
    It IS all in your head. But at the same time it's not JUST in your head.

    Oh man, it makes you double take on schizophrenia and general insanity in the world.
    What if one of these people screaming on the street are screaming the truth?

    Lately, I've been having these reoccurring thoughts in my head that I'm somehow Lucifer.
    I just notice all these similarities to me and the angel they call "Lucifer".
    My cardinal sin is Pride. I'm a dreamer, a musician, a lover, a woman and a man.
    I don't belong here and I feel out of place. I equate myself to a Lion.
    I seek knowledge. It reminds me of the story of the Apple of Eden.

    I have a STRONG intuition that I'll meet Lucifer on Lucy.
    __________________________________________________ ______________

    I was one of those "weird kids" you find in school... That never did and never will fit in.
    The quiet, smart, awkward kid. The outlandish kind. But I've held on to my innocence.
    Longer than most could- I still have real good in my heart. I still have that light inside.
    I feel like I have a perfect blend of female and male inside. I feel almost superhuman inside.
    But broken at the same time. Like something is missing. My heart is full, but my roots are dry.
    But I have a love for horror. An amorous pulling to the mysterious. Everyone has these things.

    But I'm uncontrollably thirsty for knowledge. Wisdom. The way the Universe works, in all her wonder.
    I've procrastinated the ignition of my life. I've waited to begin my life-
    Just to bury myself in books. Drowned myself in watery facts and ideas.
    Pondered for hours on "reality" breaking ideas. Ideas that would make sheep panic.
    Ideas that only excite ME. "Maybe the world isn't as boring as I thought," I thought.

    My life works in symbols. Archetypes.
    The boundless ocean. The mother. The Lion. The female. Green. Autumn.
    The King. Duality. Trinity. Clocks, and Stuffed Bears. Dreams. It doesn't matter.
    But it does.

    I know about the connection between you and I. Through reading, experience with dreams,
    books of esotericism, books of all sorts!, and simple observation. It doesn't take a genius to see
    That there is someone pulling strings in reality. Watch those coincidences.
    Try to find connections. It used to be impossible- Then it became improbable.
    Now it's highly probable. I know most of you will take me as insane.
    There will be one who takes these words just right.

    Lately I've been noticing the insane improbable-almost-to-the-point-of-impossible amount of coincidences.
    The Universe was talking to me all the time. I just needed to tune in.
    __________________________________________________ _____________________________

    She's the most interesting human I've met so far.

    She has reason behind everything she does!

    If she were an element, she'd be fire. She's a white Tiger she says.
    Her taste is deliciously refined. She knows what she likes.
    During Shrooms, I noticed something very peculiar.
    While everyone else in the room tripped blindly.
    She unscrewed light bulbs, turned things upside down.
    I saw it. It resonated with me.
    It was her act of defiance I think that caught my eye.
    Her rebellion against the collection of rules we call society.
    Mischievous girl. I understand she'll break my heart one day.
    She grew up so fast. She's had a miserable life so far.
    It beat the shit out of her. Her Mother is a monster. (Broke my damn side-view mirror that bitch.)
    She never had a father. (He left before Alex was born.)

    I've noticed that she does NOT attract happy karmic events.
    If there ever was an unlucky human, it was her.
    Her life hands her more shit than most humans would be able to handle.
    She is hardened to this cruel world. The pessimist out of us.
    But she knows things. She knows how it really is.
    I'm wary of her. But just as wary as someone can be
    of someone you love more than anything.

    Our relationship is confusing.
    At times we're like best friends.
    Sometimes we're enemies.
    Sometimes we're just animals using each other.
    But when it's all said and done...
    All I want to do is hold her hand and keep her safe through this lifetime.
    That is what I'm here to do.
    If there's anything that's real in this goddamned life, it's that I TRULY love that girl.
    __________________________________________________ ____________________________________
    We walked into my bedroom and placed two blotters each (piece of paper with LSD dropped on) under our tongues.
    We sat around for a moment and began to feel excited and restless. Hence our decision to go to the local convenience store to grab a drink for the trip.
    We smoked a bowl and headed down the hallway to go outside.
    "Do you want to drive?" I dangle my Miku anime-keychain.
    "Mmm... Yes!" I barely offer it, but she barely ever accepts. I become aware of the symbolism in that.

    (throughout that day, I had seen the theme of "Lucifer"
    sowing itself in and out of the tapestry of reality. Through coincidence. Shit happens, you know, but you'll start to notice that a great deal of that "shit"'s probability doesn't match up with the general idea of probability that society has built. Too many coincidences to be without an explanation. Too much smoke to be without a fire. I'd see pictures on Tumblr of serpents and horns- I'd see references to the Bible and things like that- but there was just so much of it today, more so than usual.)

    Pulling up, I asked my girlfriend, "Do you know the story of The Garden of Eden?" ...
    "Yeah, I know about that story." She humors me.
    "Well... sh-should I trust him? I know I'll have to meet him eventually..."
    "I don't know..." She knows.
    "Huh." I drop it.

    I know she doesn't understand my curiosity. I accept it's just one of our differences.

    We grab our drinks- 2 thirst busters, and a pink powerade for me and a blood red powerade for her.

    When we get back to the house, giddy and excited, we metaphorically "stumble" through the door.
    I mean by that- that we were a little "off" by now. It had been 30min. We were walking perfectly fine.
    Talking a little strangely... but perfectly functional. Just a little "different" and "strange".

    __________________________________________________ ___________________________________
    As we walked back in the room and shut the door, she unloaded a pocketful of things and change.
    I pointed it out to her that she was becoming a little more like me.
    "It's because I love you." It made sense. I picked up a lot of her traits at times too.

    We sat on my bed and loved on each other a little. Tickles, talking, touching, pictures, videos.
    It was about an hour through, that we started to feel a little more than just "stoned."
    The first stage was the breaking of the shell. The realization that there's more to "you" than just "you."
    I watched the clock and became the clock. My awareness controlled how I existed.
    Visuals were normal. If a little more relaxed. "Diffused" is a good word. "Unfocused".

    I stayed consciously aware of what I was feeling constantly. It was creeping up pretty slowly- but it wasn't anything like I had felt before.
    I could "feel" it coming on, as I could with other things. It felt like... a drop-off. A cliff.
    It felt like I was hanging off the side of a great cliff, dangling over the abyss from a rope.
    Alex told me several times throughout the trip that that's how I "felt", as if she could feel what I felt too.

    We immediately went to work with our music playlists that we had planned out. I'm usually the one who spends time thinking about the future (making playlists for acid trips is a good example of this), but Alex surprised me this time by being prepared. Notice this coincidence.

    She listened to her music first. Of Monsters and Men. The Head and the Heart. Modest Mouse. Bright Eyes.
    Amazing music. But it left me wanting something more familiar.

    On to my music. I felt around with my ears the following: Gorillaz, The Beatles, Vampire Weekend, Arcade Fire, Radiohead, Panic! At The Disco...

    Oh, such beautiful things tucked away neatly in these songs. A word to the wise:
    Alot of these bands know what they're talking about. They know what I'M talking about.
    It's all in the music that we listen to- secrets. But remember that words can't describe what I've seen.
    But music is a better language for something like this.

    Take note that "Lucifer" is constantly associated with things such as "light, music, beauty, etc".

    Well back to the trip. By this point, another hour has passed. I had been on the brink of tears countless times now from what I'd seen
    and momentarily forgotten.
    (Amnesia sucks. I have reason to believe my human is plagued with holey memory. I hope to one day find out why. Probably heavy fluoride in the pineal gland.)

    __________________________________________________ __________________________________
    Now, me and Alex just wanted to talk again.

    She told me about what laughter was for.
    She told me that:
    "Love is strange- If you get too filled up with that wonderfulness [love], it'll make you sad. You need to let it out every once in awhile.
    It's meant to be shared."

    My god! Right in front of our eyes. Laughter was the human mechanism for sharing love with the world. The letting out of steam.
    It was biological as much as it was just... oddly metaphysically organic. I mean by that... ... no. I'll have to leave that one for you. It's a mechanism of my higher-self as much as it is my human.

    "If you start to feel sad... it's because you need to let it out. Share it." If there's one thing I held on to throughout my trip, it was this.

    Countless times I felt that well of sadness rising up. I pushed it down by laughing at how wonderful everything was. I just looked around.
    I laughed at how crazy I was for thinking I was talking to the devil. I laughed at how impossibly-obviously it presented itself to me.
    I laughed at how all of my favorite bands had all of the answers to my questions- but in code.
    I laughed at how awkward my soul piloted my human. I would lean into kiss my lover, and land somewhere else and just laugh.
    I laughed at how perfect she was. How she always found the perfect thing to say to me. It was like a storybook. Like a dream.
    Like I had always wished and wished for. She completed me, like a puzzle piece. How curious.

    My soul wasn't very good at integrating me into society, in general, I observed.
    I just have never understood the importance of fitting in. Never in my life.
    If I had a finger to point... it would be at my soul.
    From what I understand...
    He should be the one who deals with matters spanning over the 4th dimension... over and outside of time.

    I am him. I just sometimes forget.

    __________________________________________________ __________________________

    She was different now. She was still her. But now with a mischievous grin. Cheshire was smiling through my love's face.
    She walked like a Goddess, like a perfect little hipster indie kid. (I think that's what I would incarnate as if I were Lucy.) [I'll call her Lucy.]
    She pointed to my antique clock and told me the face was the surface of a pond. She was pointing at my symbols. She knew what it meant to me. She knew I had always equated myself with the element water. She knew my personality was watery in itself.
    "It's like a dirty pond with scattered numbers."
    She knew about my shaky relationship with time.
    The pond represented me.

    She got up and stretched. "Man, all this damn water." ...again, referring to ME.
    As if she had finally seen the real me.
    She said it as if just arriving there to that moment in time, before flashing me a grin.
    Again, I got the impression of being in the presence of a Goddess- in the flesh. She knew I knew.

    She analyzed my life so far and hit every nail on the head. With such grace and the perfect hint of mystery to keep me there. She talked about my innocence and my attachment to my inner child.
    I have a stuffed animal, a tattered old bear- she told me that my child was beaten up.
    My innocence was hurt.

    I think I feel the need to use the word "her" because I was still clinging on to egos. I was afraid to be one with this. All the warnings.
    All the damn warnings from humanity. Avoid the one they call the devil. I struggled within myself against it.

    "It's like a bunch dolls in a dollhouse." She referred to the bodies we inhabited.

    At this point- my mind was so far in the "strange". My nerves and senses were totally "not-normal".
    I didn't think of it as, "Sight" or "Hearing" or "Feeling"... it was more of a five-pronged color wheel of general sensation manifesting itself as a big picture. I mean... My senses began to blur into one sense.

    And the trails. Oh my... There was a mesmerizing soft blur behind any sort of movement.

    I also began to notice catching weird alien thoughts in my own head. I felt like I was tuning in on Alex's thoughts.
    I STILL can't figure out who it really was that first wanted that cigarette. Also...
    I would look at Alex with a question and she would verbally respond.
    Me and Alex began to slowly realize something. Not that we were melding consciousness. But that we already were one consciousness.
    I was getting my first understanding of what "Duality" and "Unity" truly meant.

    I spoke incoherently, akin to Jack Sparrow. I was trying to grasp an idea.
    It was being relayed to me from outside of my head, that's for sure.

    But here's a metaphor to help you understand what I mean.
    Sometimes, if you stare directly at something...
    It vanishes.
    But if you learn to look with the corner of your eye.
    You might get a better glimpse.

    If I thought too hard at an idea, it would run away.
    Same with Lucy/Lucifer. If we chased after her, she would vanish.
    She would stop amusing us. She had a tendency to sneak in and out of our trip.

    And then something happened... she tried to get me to kiss her. She had that devilish look in her eye.
    I... recoiled. I subconsciously knew that what I was dealing with was indeed very heavy. It meant something.
    And I needed to be perfectly conscious so I could make a decision. These cautious thoughts were definitely mine.

    I know what LSD can do to you. You have to keep your mind clear and empty or else you'll convince yourself of something.
    I decided that this vision or feeling of dancing with the devil was TOO persistent to be a simple delusion.
    I might be an odd human, but I know that these was DEFINITELY something more to this than delusion.
    Truly, there's some truth in my yarn. But I kept a clear head so that I would feel the feelings as they came.

    I was forced to make a decision of a life time. If I went through with this, I had a feeling my life would never be the same. But my life was always so boring... I kind of ached for it, you know?

    Vampire Weekend summed it up perfectly:

    "It’s not right but it’s now or never
    And if I wait could I ever forgive myself? "

    I finally kissed her back, pushing through my hesitation. It WAS just my girlfriend.
    I kiss her all the time. But this time it was mixed-up, fearful, and hesitant.
    We lost ourselves in our slow kisses for awhile. And suddenly...
    for JUST a moment, I woke up from the Matrix that we live in.
    I realized in that moment that I was NOT my body... or even my mind, for that matter.
    Whatever I really was, it was "green" and "bright" and "vibrant" and "full of love".
    She was more "grey" and "scarred" and "hopeless" but "wise" and "full of texture"
    The best way I can describe what it felt like... I was an amorphous living "thing".
    A giant changing organism of "light". I felt MYSELF (I'll capitalize when I refer to our higher self.)
    brushing up against my lover... in an alien landscape, in alien bodies. It was more beautiful than anything you've ever experienced.
    It was scarring to someone who wants to remain ignorant. I now knew.

    She knew I had finally seen the true HER. SHE was disfigured and bruised from the horrors and disappointments of her lives.
    I held her body close and radiated an infinite love that she had never felt before. She knew I knew. She knew I loved her regardless.
    I didn't get to see any specifics, but I know that we've known each other intimately besides this life. Same with all the people in my life.

    We cuddled for a little and loved each other. I accepted every little part of her, and she accepted every little part of me.

    __________________________________________________ ____________________________________
    We laid in my bed and stared around my room. It was as if I was my soul, checking up on my human. My room was a wreck.
    Disorganized and messy. I scolded myself. My eyes caught all these symbols that I would have never caught.
    I looked at my long hair and saw my female trying to claw her way out. She was desperate to be seen and pet.
    It was tragic. I felt a little drunk- by that I mean that drunken feeling of trying to walk. A great happy cheerfulness filled me
    despite my slight lack of coordination.

    I had to go to the bathroom though... I was afraid to be away from Alex, so I hesitated...
    "I REAAAALLY need to goooo."
    "Okay, I'm going now."
    "Alright baby, here I go."

    (I said all of those... probably 20 seconds apart. Stalling.)

    I worked up the courage to break away. I drifted like a ghost down the hall.
    Once in the bathroom, I got on my knees and peed close to the toilet (a strange habit I'd picked up years ago).
    I got up, and checked myself out in the mirror. My pupils were huge. I could see my soul showing through my eyes.
    It was beautiful. I always thought that was beautiful. Enlarged pupils are subconsciously attractive to me.
    Then I returned to Alex. We were both thinking about the same thing now. Ourselves.

    We both stared at our vessels with self-love. She began to talk again,
    "You know... I never really got why people are so against this." I knew she was referring to our self-love.
    "If you have what you have, what's the point in Not loving it?" -She continued while eyeing herself with love and a hint of lust.
    I did the same.

    Sometime throughout the trip, I stripped naked and watched my body closely.
    It was so... gorgeous. My male and female energies were so balanced.
    I marveled at my body's hips and legs, and my shoulders and eyes.

    (I'd always had a deeply ingrained disgust with egoists.
    Egotistical people had always disgusted me. They were never going to grow, because they were so weighed down by their own empty weight. My religious Dad pointed out that I had pride in my eyes, countless times through my childhood. He made sure I knew it was wrong.)

    (But... I couldn't find an argument to this one. I had always thought myself and Alex to be extremely attractive.
    In a different kind of way than what society could see. I would walk by a group of girls, flicking on a switch inside.
    I would think confident feelings, I would KNOW that I was sexy... and the girls would always look my direction and blush.
    I had that power. Everyone does. And if it's already there... It's just a matter of turning it on.)

    __________________________________________________ __________________________________
    Alex had to go pee next. It had been 2 1/2 hours now. She left to go to the bathroom...
    But I found myself following close behind, as if I were going to the bathroom as well.
    As if we were going to share that experience. I paused and realized that I couldn't follow her in there.
    She chuckled at me and left.

    I realized I still needed to pee! I normally was very "good" at holding my bladder.
    But this time felt different. Seconds had passed since Alex left the room.
    "I don't think I can wait." I said to myself, alone in my room.
    I panicked when I thought that perhaps Lucy had something to do with my bladder un-control.

    Then I realized it. I wasn't feeling MY need to pee. I was feeling Alex's need to pee.
    I had already pissed. Now it was her turn.
    Only catch.
    I was going to experience her turn.

    When it finally dawned on me what was going on...
    I began to squirm and struggle to hold in my bladder-
    While I was experienced pee-ing.
    I could feel it so clearly. It felt good~
    But I was unable to enjoy the relieving feeling due to my panic.
    It reminds me slightly of orgasm, but just a hint.
    I'm proud to say, that I LSD didn't make me piss

    I continued to squirm, until she was done.
    Then I walked out of my room and met her at the door to explain.
    She grinned at me.

    __________________________________________________ _________________________________
    At about 3 1/2 hours.
    We fell into the bed again, and fell entranced by my ceiling light.
    It broke my popcorn ceiling into a crystal kaleidoscope.
    It began to glow intensely. We lied there in that room staring at that light forever.
    It was so fucking beautiful. I could tell that there was something "more" to the light.
    There was something "behind" the light. "Inside" it. "Outside" of it...
    Wait no... There's no word for it. "Within" would be the best fit.

    Lucy was close-by. The light vibrated. The ceiling crawled.
    The room came to life. We were coming to a peak of the trip.
    Alex snapped me out of it.
    "Don't let it take you away."
    What a strange thing to say, I thought.
    I'm sure she knew what I felt.
    But I looked away and broke the spell.

    Our gazes returned shortly after.
    She gasped- "I can see your heartbeat in the ceiling."
    Both of our jaws dropped. It was true. The light was pulsating to my heart.
    We were pushed back against the wall and the bed... HARD.
    But it was because of how incredibly beautiful and powerful it was.
    The entity.
    ... ...
    She joked for the third time, "If this is the peak, I'd still be disappointed."
    I laughed at that challenge to Lucy.

    We sat up from our bed, feeling like we had lived an eternity in moments.

    The green curtains had crawling vines. If you relaxed your eyes on them, they would move like crazy.
    I could also see aura around Alex. Her's was red.
    She told me mine was a bright green.

    By now, we had abandoned words for the most part. We both realized how much easier it was
    to communicate in "soul-speak", in thought, and in feeling.

    __________________________________________________ __________________________
    We walked outside. Oh. My. God.

    "There's a world out here..." We both gasped. We were coming down fast.

    But that one moment when I first experienced nature... our SUN, the neighborhood.
    I will never forget it. It made me gasp in my female's voice. It was THAT powerful.
    I was powerfully aware of our position in the solar system. That big glowing thing in the sky...
    It's in a very basic sense: "Alive".

    Fire is... "Alive." Plants and animals... they're "alive and conscious".

    My only metaphor for this... would be...
    There's these Mexican candies... I forget their name...
    But it's a plastic container, with this spicy/sour chile mango
    Squishy candy inside.
    You squeeze it out through the top and it comes out in strands.
    Like squishy red grass.
    The inside of the container is primal life. Life in it's most basic form. Before it's manifested in this world.
    When it's squeezed out, it seperates into egos and distinctions. Each little blade is a different manifestation of the same thing.

    (Matter is alive too, just vibrating at a different level. But I digress- back to the trip.)

    My lover and I sat beautifully in our bodies. I followed her to a spot in the shade, out of the morning sun where we found our perch. Watching the school children and other humans waking up, and going to school and work.
    We sat there and watched, understanding that they may never know the things we know.
    They may go their whole lives and never see the truth.
    I began to grow nervous that people were walking about as, well, we were tripping balls in my front driveway.

    I shook it off, "Ah fuck it. A school bus of children could pass by for all I care."
    A school bus passed 6 seconds later. Me and Alex eyed each other and knew that Lucy was still with us.

    We had a conversation between a human God and Goddess in my front yard about the tops of trees.
    She pointed to the top of the pine tree before us.
    "You know, the tops of trees are my favorite parts of trees." She spoke softly.
    I thought to myself of whether there was symbolism in what she said.
    She paused before saying, "It matters."

    She reminded me of plants. I had always wanted to communicate with one. I cupped in my hands a yellow flowered weed next to me, and I closed my eyes. I felt something. But not very strongly. I felt impatient.

    "You want to go inside, don't you?" I had a feeling.
    "Well... can we wait out here for just a second?"
    "Yeah, as long as you want."
    But I couldn't fully enjoy it, now that I knew she wanted to go inside.
    I asked one more question... It was aimed at Lucy AND Alex.
    "You aren't going leave me... are you?" The insecure little girl I had once been was asking.
    I began to tear up and almost cry at the thought of being disconnected from this in the future.
    I don't remember her answer. But it was good. I remembered to laugh, so I wouldn't be sad.
    So we got up and walked inside.

    __________________________________________________ _____________________________________
    It was approximately 6 hours into our trip, more or less.
    Lucy was still here, but in a less HERE way.

    (INTERJECTION: The overwhelming clarity of LSD is so strange to experience, in stark contrast to the drug propaganda out there. Do not listen to your government on matters like this. You have to trust your heart on this to know if you're ready for something like this. I was ready. I've been waiting for this day my entire life.)

    Now I wasn't talking directly to Lucy. I was talking to just my Alex.
    She noted that I had been talking "past her" for the past few hours.
    That I had, in reality, been lost in a sort of trip. But I know what I experienced.
    I have faith in it. And I will not let the world shake it out of me like they do to the rest of us.

    Back to the experience. I confronted another demon of mine.
    My occasional lack of passion. My lack of red and orange and yellow.
    My lack of masculine energies.

    Alex was calling me to her. She stretched her beautiful body in my bed, like a cat.
    I knew her body wanted mine. I knew her animal ached for mine.
    But I am not the normal male. Not the normal man.
    I didn't feel like a wolf ready to take control.
    I was unsure and awkward. I felt wrong every time I tried to force a passionate kiss.
    I couldn't fake passion. So I sat there awkward.

    I don't know how many Panic! At The Disco songs I heard before it happened.
    (Panic! was playing on shuffle the first time we made love.)

    She took control. She pushed me against the bed. She has what I don't have.
    I tried to fight back... but she was too strong for me.
    I quivered and moaned like the female I felt.
    She touched my body and made me feel powerless.
    I began to tear up in fear and quiet submission.
    Oh, it was then I felt real passion.
    This is one reason why we're like puzzle pieces. We match.

    Sometimes I curse myself for being born in a male body, when I'm so obviously not.
    But I understand that things happen for reasons. Perhaps I chose this existence to make amends
    with my masculinity.

    I'll skip out some pretty details.
    But there was passionate kisses.
    "I can see why humans do that." She smirked along with me.
    It was a physical means to elicit a reaction in our souls. It was a way to communicate.
    We were trading delicate feelings through lips.
    Two aliens; two children of the stars-
    experiencing what it was like to love as humans.
    Oh the impossibly mad love.

    Once I felt that passion in my bones...
    The man in me awoke. The wolf.
    I grabbed her and forced her down like I wished she would to me all those times.

    [email protected]#$%^&

    I came earlier than I wanted to and I sat in shame for a minute.
    Alex knew what my look meant, and she told me that she had felt amazing regardless.
    "So why worry?"

    __________________________________________________ _________________

    Alex eventually fell asleep.
    We cuddled together and held each other close until then.

    Then I was alone.
    I moved to my computer.
    I was compelled to listen to "Colorblind" by Counting Crows.
    It was an anthem of my human and soul, specific to me.
    It touched my hurt that I had accumulated as this specific human.
    My awkward un-belonging. My prison of skin. My lack of color.
    (Books, the only thing I had found solace in before... can only show you black and white.)

    I cried my eyes out. I couldn't fight the sadness back.
    It all poured out. I was terrified of how deep the feeling was.
    I went to Alex and was about to shake her, when
    "I'm fine." was sung.

    I knew this was a sign from the Universe to let her sleep.
    I was fine.

    (The Universe or Lucy or whatever it was... sometimes sends me winks.
    "Coffee black and eggwhite." is a line in that song."
    My best friend's Dad just poured me black coffee and handed me an egg sandwich while I've been up all night typing this.)

    It's truly a humbling thing to know that your entire life is a part to a play.
    It's just a dance. It's put together very delicately, with lots of love and care.
    But sometimes if you REALLY look closely, it's like a movie.
    We all have a part to play. Dolls in a dollhouse.

    __________________________________________________ _______________________________

    So that's my story so far. At the same time, it's all of our stories. We've all met Lucifer in one way or another. It lives inside of all us, whether we like it or not. It's all a matter of becoming aware of it.

    I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything. Just sending a message out in a bottle.
    For most of you, you most likely will categorize me as delusional. That is fine.
    This is just an oddly fascinating and fantastic story to you. But I have faith in the dreamers.
    I know who I'm talking to. They know who they are. The right people will answer me.

    It's all just simple math. What I'm talking about sounds magical... but it is very real.
    Perhaps, one day it will be considered common knowledge. Accepted science.
    But until then- we need explorers who are willing to chart this new frontier.

    __________________________________________________ _______________
    [Some of the other things Lucy told me through Alex...]

    "You don't belong here. You feel it too, don't you?" I had always felt that.

    "You're a very very VERRRY special, human, Austin. I don't think you realize how special you are." I knew this was truth, but it felt like a dirty truth. It felt wrong to say and obsess with. I know I'm meant for something big. But it's not all about me.

    "You're INCREDIBLY beautiful." She stared at me sometimes... just as I had stared at the beautiful light.

    "You've been waiting here, an anomaly in this world. Waiting for something alien to return you to your home."

    [I also "realized" a few things by myself.]

    I saw that most the people I called friends, were actually entities I knew outside of this human life.
    A few of them I was "tied up to" or "chained to" with karmic debt.
    My best friend is VERY pushy, and if I don't listen to what he says, I feel a backlash of negative energy.
    I'm starting to realize that I actually am VERY far in debt to ALOT of people.

    I also found that I was meant to go to a certain concert in California called Coachella in the middle of April.

    I realized on my own that I'm destined to be a famous musician. That sounds horribly egotistical.
    But you'll understand if you're ever in shoes like mine.

    And lastly... I started the apocalypse. Maybe it was me individually, or me in the general sense of humans.
    But when I came out of my trip, instantly I saw new signs of chaos.

    This whole Korea business became frontline news. I've seen and heard ambulances every day here since.
    People have been talking about the upcoming war in America. People have started making plans.
    I think I might move to Seattle eventually. I have a feeling it might be safe for me.
    Since me and Alex are both extremely drawn to this city.

    __________________________________________________ ______________________________________
    Please... if you're curious or have questions, please ask.
    If you have something to add to my experience, I would certainly appreciate it!

    It's a wonderful world out there, dreamers. Get out there and feel it for yourself!
    For all you wisdom-seekers, may you find what you're looking for.

    Updated 04-08-2013 at 06:57 PM by SzuruDusk (grammar)

    lucid , memorable , side notes

    [Discs of Light]

    by SzuruDusk on 12-03-2012 at 12:28 AM
    [Sunday, December 2nd, 2012]
    (I'm going to start recording again.)
    Me and Alex were walking around at dark somewhere.
    Two bright white discs appeared in the sky and began to vaporize the area with razor-like lasers.
    Me and Alex ran... and my recollection of the dream stops there.
    dream fragment , non-lucid

    [School-lunch Trip to Bashas']

    by SzuruDusk on 11-19-2012 at 07:30 PM
    [Monday, November 19th, 2012]
    (Plenty of dreams, but I don't remember most of them. I finally decided to jump up and record the last one for once.)

    The last thing I remember- I'm in Bashas with a bunch of other kids from school. I decide to go steal something while no one is looking since I'm hungry. I go to the Pharmacy section but notice kids surrounding the area. I instead turn around and head for the deli section. People are here too. I hear someone ask, "Do you prefer raw raspberries or blueberries? ... Raspberries." And then Cassidy Solpher asks, "Does anyone want to try some of my home cooked meal? It's fully cooked but I can't eat any yet." I then started eating a warm pasta off a shelf, there was beef, alfredo sauce, big long noodles, and mushrooms.

    <I woke up.>
    non-lucid , side notes

    [Healing Pool]

    by SzuruDusk on 11-05-2012 at 07:30 PM
    [Monday, November 5th, 2012]
    <My dream recall fades into...>
    At a theme park.

    In a child's playground, I crawl inside a plastic tube and meet a few people I know.
    Cassidy is one of them, an old pre-school through high-school friend of mine.
    We get into an arguement and I decide to just walk away.

    I walk up to someone in an outside office chair.
    I ask him how he's doing running and designing the park.
    He isn't. He looks very relaxed and layed-back in his chair.
    He says he was layed-off. The park management hired someone else.
    Everyone here has been replaced it seems- by more efficient and cheaper workers.
    I give him my condolances and then it seems everyone is leaving the park now.

    I follow suit.
    Right outside the park is a giant rounded pool; 30-foot deep with a 30 foot diameter.
    Suddenly, me and everyone in the park is filled with joy and bliss and we all jump in the pool.
    I feel amazing and refreshed as the cool water surrounds me.
    I was the first to jump in with my clothes on, and I watched as everyone else jumped in after me.
    It was amazing watching as everyone floated together in a neon-blue lit pool.
    I start to run out of breath and take air in, despite being underwater.

    <I wake up.>
    non-lucid , memorable

    [Second DEILD Attempt/Playing With Creation]

    by SzuruDusk on 11-03-2012 at 06:30 PM
    [Saturday, November 3rd, 2012]
    <I lied in my bed, after stretching and meditating for a good long time.
    I told myself and whoever would help me, that I needed help having a meaningful dream. Or a lucid dream.
    Falling asleep- I instantly began to have dreams, just cloudy ones. I woke up after some time. And re-thought my
    intentions to wake up and not move to enter into a DEILD.>

    The next time I wake up, completely still.
    I feel my body frozen and numb.
    I will myself up out of my bed towards the front end of it.
    And find my back to the wall.
    I repeated in my head-
    But I struggled and got excited and woke up.
    I rose my head out from the covers and thought-
    Suddenly, the darkness in front of me was transformed...
    into odd colors and sounds. Spirals and fireworks.
    The door had an outline of light that was separated from the door itself!
    I got excited again and...

    <Then I woke up for real.>
    <Through my excitement, I still fell back asleep.>

    I'm in a mix of Safeway and Target. I go back with Nathan and Alex to the back of the store. I find a dark corner
    where no one goes and in the wall, there's a panel missing. I crawl into the panel and sit there for a moment in the
    dusty old grey... and feel... a strange deja vu wipe over me. I find my old, golden, thin-frame glasses that my
    Mom's been looking for over two years to find.

    <fast forward in dream>

    Scientists figure out how to create God, and the head of the company in charge is talking to the father of "Morel
    Orel"'s Orel. They're in a dark room with a spot light on their wooden meeting table. Orel's Dad sat there in a dim
    meeting room as one of his lead scientists said:

    "We've been able to create women, doughnuts, nipples, cars...the whole works!"

    Orel's Dad squinted his eyes and said, "Ooohkaayyy. Riiiight." In mocking disbelief.
    The scientists went on to tell him that he was to receive cars and money and new technology.
    He owned half the company apparently!

    I remember a faint impression of being in Nevada or a desert area and I saw large satellite dishes.

    <fast forward in dream>

    My twin brother had a book that would allow him to have whatever he wanted.
    He just had to write it in a blank page.
    He was mad at me for some reason and was threatening to write me away.
    I grabbed the book and held it shut, we both tried forcing the book out of each others hand.
    He tried to cut my hair with a pair of scissors, but I got my head away.
    I grabbed the scissors and pretended to cut his hair until he let go of the book.
    Then I ran into the other room and hid the book.