Schmaven's Dream Journal of Randomness

In a crowded section of New York City, flames erupt from the sewers as Satan himself rises from hell and bursts through the pavement of the road ahead of me, sending cars flying through the air and people running and screaming in all directions. He has a gang of demons around him, all made of flames, forming a painful looking perimeter of death and destruction around the Devil.

I am holding a dark gray cat, almost black, with white on its face and some of its paws I don't remember picking it up, but it seems to like being held. I cradle it on its back like a baby in my left arm, against my side, and hold its tail out in front of me like a cannon. I aim it at the Devil and make my best "Pew Pew!" noises. Almost like a "pshhyeeeoo!!!" As I make my very best laser noises, bright blue laser beams shoot out of the cats tail. They move through the air at about the speed of a jogger, so Satan easily dodges them.

I run toward Satan, aiming the cat's tail a few paces ahead of him and with "Pew Pew Pew Pew!" shoot four slow moving lasers out of the cat's tail into Satan's path. I almost got him this time! With great enthusiasm I go wild with my best "Pew Pew!" noises, filling the streets and alleys with blue lasers. 'If I shoot lasers everywhere, I can't miss.' I tell myself.

Satan dives behind a sky scraper and out of sight. I pre-fire a few laser blasts from the cat's tail down the next street in case he tries to run for it, and then run down the alley to cut him off before he can get away. He gave me the slip somehow, and I haven't got a clue where to find him now. I find myself at a busy intersection, looking every which way as traffic flows through. Next to me is a fire fighter and a cop. They look at me, then at the cat I'm cradling in my arm, and then at how I'm holding the cat's tail out in front of me with my other hand, and then look back to me.
"Check this out" I tell them as I aim the cat's tail in a harmless direction and say "Pew Pew Pew!" sending three bright blue laser beams slowly through the air.
"That's pretty cool" they tell me.
"I know, right?!"
"Aren't you going to film it or take a picture or something?" The firefighter asks me.
"No, I don't think anyone really needs to know about this. Plus I've gotta get Satan"
They both give me an understanding nod, and I start walking away as I think about where to look.

Having snuck into a hostile military base, I hide in the men's restroom as some soldiers pass by. Grabbing a mob and bucket, I act like the janitor, and exit the room, walking casually toward the middle of the huge building I'm in. I am grabbed from behind by a soldier, but wrestle free from his grip and run. Tackled by two other soldiers, they bind my hands in thick metal bars, just about as thick as my wrist is.

Roaring defiantly, I summon super-human strength and rip free from the shackles. Some soldiers see this and shoot at me. Pulsing with strength, the bullets bounce off my chest as I walk toward them and throw them across the room. More to get them to stop shooting than to kill them, but it was a hard toss. With some brief freedom, I try to think of why I came in here in the first place. Nothing coming to mind, I walk out, and see all my friends just lounging around on top of and leaning against the high walls of this building. Just enjoying the sunny day, they wave at me as I look for a spot to sit as well.

One of them calls out to me from atop the wall, "Aren't you forgetting something inside there?" as he points back into the large structure.

I suppose he could be right, so I go back in. Now abandoned, I walk right up to the middle, and see a glowing red and orange hole in the floor. It looks like it goes all the way down to the magma. It sure is hot. More pieces of the floor fall into it as the hole expands with a terrible rumbling and shaking like a demonic earth quake. The building seems like it is beginning to collapse now. I run through falling debris to get outside just in time for most of the building inside the walls to cave into the fiery pit.

Erupting from this massive hole, already about 1 mile across, is Satan. None other than the devil himself. The ground buckles up forming a giant crater around him as he rises to spectacular heights in the sky. Like a giant mountain, his torso sits upon a swirling vortex of fiery magma, as wide as the hole. His body appears to be composed of the same, all encased in some thick black spiky armor. Thicker than I am tall, it covers his whole torso, most of his arms, and also forms a horned helmet with slits for eye holes. Inside of the helmet just glows the color of a hot fire.

I suppose I am the one tasked with defeating him. I still have the capability of increasing my strength, but looking up at him now, it looks like quite the challenge.

My thoughts are interrupted by Satan's attack. He swings a large spiked mass. A mixture of whatever his armor is and liquid magma, all connected to a large chain. The school bus sized spiked mass lands with a loud thump as I jump out of the way. Swinging it so fast, it takes all I've got just to get out of the way in time. He laughs and swings again. I have hardly enough time to regain my footing before I sprint and dive out of the way again. Small craters where he has struck make it harder to move around.

I don't have any weapons at all other than my fists. I look around for anything I can use, and there is nothing. The sky swirls with dark gray clouds above Satan's head. He opens his mouth to reveal yet more flames and molten metal as he stares at me. Letting out a ground trembling roar, he swings again.

Since it seems rather hopeless, I decide to at least have fun with the situation at hand. I jump onto his weapon just as he pulls it back. Hanging on tightly, I soar back up to his level, about 2 miles above the ground. Jumping off at just the right time, I plant my feet on his left shoulder and kick off with all my strength toward his face. Crossing just in front of his helmet, I poke him in the eye with my finger as I laugh a bit.

This seems to only further aggravate him as he clenches his jaw and growls at me.

Saved by the alarm clock!

Walking home, I must cross a big river to get to the other side. Normally I would just jump across the narrow part here, which although narrow for the river, is about as far as I can jump. Today however, the river is 4 times wider, and raging like it's alive and angry. I recall there is a bridge up-stream, and take a short cut off the trail to cut a big corner out of the path. I slide down a steep hill, and continue toward the bridge.

Panicking, I see that the river has jumped its banks, and this short cut is not impossible. It leads directly to a dead-end cliff-like hill about 40 feet high, very close to the river, and where I just came from is also too steep to return. I have to jump out of the way of a few rogue waves that leap out from the others. There are some massive waves in this river, each one nearly knocks me into it.

There is some really long, thick grass growing up the side of this steep hill (basically an 85 degree angle with flat ground). I grab fist fulls of the grass, and begin my near vertical assent back to the road up above. It's really easy with all this grass! As I near the crest, there is no more grass, and the ground is very loose. Large chunks of earth fall out from beneath me. I scramble to regain my grip and my footing, but each spot I hold onto quickly crumbles away, digging the cliff summit out to be even steeper.

I am soo close to the top, I can put my hand on there, but only to pull the earth loose. I see a woman walking by, and greet her to avoid surprising her by being so close to the path, and right at foot level where she wouldn't see me until super close. She looks at me with a disgusted look that says, 'This guy is a typical risk taker' and says "Rock climbers...." with a big sign as she walks off quickly.

Disappointed that she didn't help me, nor grasp the seriousness of the situation I'm in, I continue to struggle not to fall. Looking back briefly, I see that if I fall, I will land directly into the river that has now changed course to be right below me. I also recall how never in my life have I been able to climb over a steep crest - the rock wall at summer camp, the 2 mile high cliff in my back yard, the ridge on top of the mountain - in every case, I failed to make it. It's just impossible for me.

Deciding to give it everything I've got, I try to summit to my left, but literally pull every possible hand hold loose so there is nothing more to grab onto. I try the right, and lose my grip as I rip away fist fulls of loose dirt and fall backwards. Managing to wedge my toes into a crack, I use my shin muscles to pull myself 30 degrees back to the cliff. Phew, close call! Now making sure I have good foot placement, I try to summit to the right again. Everything is pulling loose! I reach the very end of the line, nothing left to try, except a smooth, vertical rock to my right. No way to get a good grip on it at all. I split my force evenly between all fours, hands and feet, none of which are in a safe, secure spot in case I slip. Dangerously vulnerable, I continuously have to shift each hold, and scramble. I imagine making it successfully, and gently, but continuously shift my placement as I make slow progress. My head passes above the crest, but it is still steep!

I push and pull, feeling really off balance, and get my torso above the crest. To my amazement, I reach the top. "Sure footing here!"

No sooner do I reach the top, than I have a vision of Satan himself telling me in a deep demonic voice, "Congratulations, this is the first time you ever passed this test". Unsure why Satan is congratulating me, I am happy to have made it this time. A true victory over my fears.

I continue down the path, cross the bridge, and end up at my friend's mom's house. I'm get along better with her mom, so I'm not disappointed when just her mom is home. I find her testing her new home security system. She demos it for me. There is a massive vault door, with a huge lock on it. She tells me "if someone breeches the door, this is what happens..." and pushes a button on a remote. A siren plays loudly, blue and white lights flash, and inside the safe room, sitting at a desk, looking at a laptop screen, facing toward us, is a goat. Judging by the sounds coming from the laptop (goat noises), the goat is watching goat on goat porn. The goat has an intense focused look on his face as he stares into the screen, lightly illuminated by the video. I find it hilarious.

We walk into the kitchen for dinner. She offers me food and starts to eat. I already have a full plate. "I'll start with the water" I tell her, being polite, and wanting to wait until her daughter returns so we can eat together. I also want to tell her about my successful summit of the cliff, but want to wait so I can tell them both at the same time.