solaetia

I was working on [something?]My mother wanted me to help some woman clean houses in WA state.
I could see a field near the ocean, with a series of identical 2 story brick homes facing the beach.
My right shoulder hurt. Someone suggested selling my shoulder muscles as implants, because people did that apparently. I looked at my hand and my fingers were dirty.

I woke up sleeping on my right side in a weird position and my shoulder hurt. Fell back to sleep after reading for a while.

I was traveling with my mom, dad and little brother- my brother was only 5-6 years old and my parents were young. We stopped at a brick apartment/hotel. We were only supposed to be traveling for 1-2 nights so I didn’t bring a change of clothes, only a couple of different shirts. We had dropped off our things at the hotel and I was trying to barricade my dog inside so she could see out of the window but not get out or destroy anything. My dad wondered if the lady managing the apartment was trustworthy. She looked like an old boss of mine. I was at the car but decided to go back inside to grab a sweater or something. I encountered the manager opening the door to our room or the house as I was trying to, and I wondered briefly if my dad was right to suspect her, but she seemed nice so I didn’t worry too much. I think I decided to grab my dog and bring her with us.

I briefly remember being in a car with an old schoolmate, someone I haven’t thought about much at all in many years. Weird.

My dad was driving, it was very dark out, and he didn’t have the headlights on. I was in the backset with my brother, mom was in the passenger seat. I screamed, ‘I can’t see!’ and my dad turned on the headlights just in time for us to see he was veering off a bridge/cliff. He almost corrected it, but the back end of the car had fallen off and dangled for a moment before tipping. We were falling but we couldn’t see what was below us. I had hope it wouldn’t be far, but the longer we fell, I realized we would all probably die. I held my mom’s hand with my right hand but I could only see the hint of her blonde hair in the darkness, and I held my little brother’s with my left hand, I told them I loved them and tried to stay calm. I woke up.

Another fragment—
I asked my dad where my dog was. Then I saw a car parked in the middle of the road ahead of us.
It was daylight, sunny. I saw my dog jump out of the car, wearing a red harness-type device. It was mesh and covered much of her abdomen, and one of her hind legs were stuck in it, so she couldn’t run or walk properly. I ran to save her, but she kept running from me. I finally grabbed her and my dad intervened and was rough with her, pushing her in the face. She bit in in defense, and it was bad. I felt very angry with my dad for treating my dog so violently. I yelled that she had never bitten anyone before and it was his fault. I worried he would tell and she would be quarantined or taken away from me. My dad looked upset, but stoic too. I eventually asked him he was ok. The bite was on his thumb and it looked deep.

Thoughts:
This all seems pretty straightforward, I didn’t feel safe with my dad. He also treated animals rather callously, although he did love them. As far as the first dream of my mom wanting me to clean houses—maybe I feel like my mom wishes I were more conventional and responsible.

I went to bed early last night on 3 glasses of wine (yeah I know) and mild depression. I woke up around 2am with memories of a dream where my brother was very angry with me. I have these dreams fairly regularly, where either my brother, my mom, or my husband really seem to hate me and I can't figure out what it is that I have done that has made them feel this way, or to this extreme. I also had memories of being near a black dog -maybe a lab/mastiff mix?- who was viciously defending her puppy from my dog Cayna and I. I was trying to slowly back away and keep my dog from interacting with the angry dog mama, and my fingers were very nearly bitten off several times. When I woke up with these dreams still on hand, I felt too sick and too apathetic to write them down.

I read for about an hour before I laid back down to attempt sleep. WILDs were on my mind, they almost always are in the early morning hours because I've had so many in these circumstances. I usually know I have to lie on my back and remain very still until I feel myself getting sleepy, then the buzzing/synthesizer noises come and then I feel myself push out of my body and float away from the bed. I tossed and turned and slept for minutes at a time until I returned to lying on my back and feeling really sleepy. I heard loud discordant crashing sounds instead of the more usual buzzing/synth sounds. I felt myself rise out of my body, and I floated to my right and up until I was against the wall. Where my face was touching the wall, I could see an Iggy Pop poster hanging there in the darkness. I don't actually have this poster or any poster hanging there, but I didn't think much of this, and I continued to float, but towards the ground at the foot of my bed. My dog's bed is there, and when I landed I saw her; her face slightly distorted like it has been in other lucid dreams, sort of snarling and scared. I tell her it's ok, I'm dreaming. As usual, I worry if I am really at the foot of my bed and talking out loud. I get up and try to fly. It works, and I start wondering around my house. The clarity wasn't the best I've had. My house was dim, somethings were normal, and others weren't. As I approached my front door I thought, 'Wait! I should experiment here. Should I meditate? (I've done this before with strange effects) Then I decided I would try to reinvent the interior of my home, because as I was trying to fall asleep earlier in the night I have visualized a fantastic treehouse/hobbit-hole house in a forest of giant trees. I closed my eyes and told my self that when I opened them, my house would be amazing. It didn't really work. My kitchen had expanded and looked different, but my old rotten house was still mostly there. From here I lost lucidity or my memory of what happened next.

New dream: I was with my Mom and Step-Dad in an upscale department store/hotel. They were trying to exit the store by climbing up some rocks that were part of a display, and I was trying to explain that all they had to do was walk through a couple of hallways back to the hotel and exit from there. They didn't seem convinced, and anyway, had already managed to mostly slip through a crack in the wall to the outside sidewalk above.

Then I was with my brother in McDonalds (!!! I haven't eaten fast food in a long time). We each had our laptops and it seemed like we were having a meeting. I was just going to order some coffee. At first we were trying to squeeze into a booth with 4 other people, and then I noticed all of the other empty booths around and suggested we use one of those. The dream gets even less cohesive here—my brother's wife was there, then we were either at their house or my Mom's. Dialogue happened but I can't remember much of what we talked about. A portion was about Shepherd puppies, and people breeding them, and how one guy had a web-cam on his to help sell them. I was trying to share my knowledge of Shepherds but no one wanted to listen.

Then I was in a car, maybe in the backseat but someone else was definitely driving. My mom and her husband were saying things about me that I found really out-of-touch, like laughing about how I love certain things/celebrities that I haven't been into since i was a teenager. I tried to correct them but they just smiled like they knew better. Then my Dad called. (he passed away last year) He told me Happy Birthday (not my birthday, but maybe I was thinking of Father's Day?) and was his usual excited and goofy self. He also joked about me liking a certain celebrity and things I used to like when I was a teenager. I turned to the woman driving, who I could now see (and I seemed to be in the front passenger seat now) and I knew she was my dad's girlfriend(dream only, not IRL). I tried to tell her that I wasn't the same person they thought I was, and she seemed to pay more attention, but still didn't really believe me.

Last, I was walking and talking to a vague someone and explaining to them how it seems that I must come off as stupid to everyone because it seems like everyone treats me that way. The look on their face told me that they also thought I was stupid, but was trying to placate me.

Thoughts:
I gave a lot of exposition throughout, so there isn't much extra to add. I think I have self esteem issues, anxiety, and guilt over not seeing my family much nor feeling very connected to them.