side notes

I decide that I should start posting a phenomenon that used to happen to me once a month. To describe this before hand I used to have these "dreams" once a month that I feel that I am in a dream but I am not. I am sleeping at the time but in these specific dreams I feel like I am both awake and at the same time not. It took me a while to try and figure out what this grey area was. Even though I can dream control in these specific ones I can not. I can control any aspect of any normal dreams because I started to experiment (with the help of tulpas) to begin to feel the electric current in my own head and what parts where generating what aspect of my dreams so I could begin to gain total control. Through this method I would just have to tell one thing to change with one message and it would. With these dreams however I couldn't change anything because I wasn't generating the area. With how I have gathered dreams to work is that I like to thing of a little thought bubble with you in the center and the dream generates around you (like some video games). You will only see stuff in greater detail that is close to you but in these dreams it is farther than I can create and in far greater detail. Now for the dream part.

They normally start out in the same fashion. A pretty overly simplistic but overly detailed area (like a meadow or pond ect). The first thing that I notice is that I have all of my senses and that everything looks like I am awake but I still feel like I do in a dream. I will normally wander around since I can't change anything until I find someone. I will always find a different girl that I have never seen before crying, moping, or just sitting there looking hopeless. The first few times I had these I tried to say hi but I couldn't talk. I later found out that I could form a bond to them with my thoughts Where we could shat how we felt or memories that we had. After a while I was able to make a language out of this connection enough to talk to them. Throughout the dream we would share experiences and feelings to the point that we practically fell in love. At that point however I could sense a sudden fear or terror in them right before they vanished leaving me with a feeling that I will never see them again in my dreams or when awake. At first I pondered on that last part wondering why I felt like I would never see as person from my dreams irl. I began to hat these dreams because of how I knew how they would end. Some of the girls would just simply vanish but some of them would appear to be dragged away by something I couldn't see. I got to the point where if I really tried I could make some small things appear like a chess board.

My last one is a little blurry and I would also like to say now that I am not a religious person. I believe that if there is a god than that is all fine and dandy but that shouldn't really effect me until I am dead. I also believe that if there was such a holy and selfless being then he wouldn't want everyone spending their 1/7 days a week just to worship him. That said this is the details that I remember of it. It goes the same as the others but I had a plan this time. I would give myself the ability to sense whatever was taking them away and try to stop it. So I went through it like normal but this girl was different. She also knew how to talk through it like I could. She shared memories of some of the dreams she had and memories of her childhood and about her abusive dad. She also warned me about digging to far into what these where or else I would regret it. I felt he give into emotion to make this dream be over. As she started to be dragged away I game myself the ability to perceive whatever it was. That was a bad choice of words. The first thing that hit me was the unbearable smell that stung my eyes so bad that I couldn't see. I wanted to vomit but I couldn't. The only thing that I could smell was what I could describe as pure death. I finally got my eyes open enough to see it but it didn't have a true physical form. Its form kept on shifting and moving around. I decided to force a link on whatever this was and asked it why it was doing this to them. That was a bad idea. I didn't get hit with hatred or any form of entertainment it got from doing this. All it felt was depression past the point of wanting to kill yourself. How can you kill what isn't alive after all? It was a little surprised that I could see it yet alone talk to it. It responded telling me that even though that it doesn't want to do this it is being forced to do it. I asked it who is making it do this. He physically pointed down the hole that he was going to drag her into. He shared a memory of his real response was him actually pointing up and telling me who it was. I forced the pit to stay open after he left so I knew where they where being taken. The only thing I could hear where screams some loud, some far, hundreds, thousands, I couldn't perceive how many. I was left with one memory from her. Her suicide. He left me a way to find out why I was having these dreams. I decided to ask the person that was making him do this.

I decide to dig through whatever this was for the information I wanted and found what I thought I was looking for. People who kill themselves out of forgetting what love is must learn what it is again but people who have take their own life have no place up there so they must lean how to love again before they are sent to hell anyways? As you could imagine as a christian at the time I was not very happy with what I found out. After that I have had none of those dreams again. I have had similar dreams that I will post in another dj if there is interest. They where a little more taxing on me.