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Again, I really suck at keeping a dream journal because I either always startle awake and lose most of the dream, or I'm just lazy and don't write anything down. But this dream has stuck with me for like two months now and I want to share it, mainly hoping someone might have some insight? Opinions? I dunno. It just freaked me out.

I don't remember much because I woke up so terrified I was on the verge of crying. What I do remember, though, is an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. I'm at my boyfriends house, and we're having a normal day. Watching the game and folding laundry. I remember he's sitting across from me, and he checks the time. He makes this face like, 'huh, that time already', and he stands up. He shuts off the TV, and for a while he just stands still. I'm staring up at him perplexed because we never shut off the game. Ever. And he just turns and walks towards his room and motions for me to follow.

"What's going on?" I ask him as I come around the corner, and I freeze. He's standing by his bed holding his shotgun, and he looks almost apologetic.

"We need to kill ourselves today, remember?"

I just stare at him. He's so calm, and I'm being calm, but again terror is flooding me and I begin to internally panic.

"What do you mean? I don't want to kill myself!" And I remember having a distinct fear of dying. I am terrified to die.

This is very, very interesting for me, because IRL death doesn't scare me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal or anything, but the thought of death intrigues me and fascinates me, and never in my life have I EVER been afraid of dying. Ever. It's not a fear for me. The few times I've been in actual life-or-death situations my literal inner monologue was 'huh. well, whatever happens, happens.' So for me to have a fear towards death was so perplexing enough it actually snapped me into lucidity immediately.

But the weird thing was, even being lucid, I wasn't able to staunch the paralyzing fear of dying. Even though I knew that I was dreaming and I knew I shouldn't be afraid of death because I normally am not, I couldn't it.

So at this point my boyfriend has his shotgun and he sits on the bed. There's a bit in between I don't recall, but the overwhelming fear of dying is constant. I remember sitting on the bed, and he hands me the shotgun.

"Go first. Kill yourself and I'll be right behind you."

I had an overwhelming urge to run. Up until I was lucid, committing suicide had been the goal of my dream self. And now that I was lucid and I wanted to live, I couldn't change the outcome of the dream. I remember holding the shotgun and crying because I was so scared to die.

When I woke up, I was crying. It took me almost an hour to calm down, and when I did, I couldn't shake the fear of death. Once I woke up the next morning the fear itself was gone, but the feeling of that dream followed me all day.