haylaycat

Fuck yea I finally went lucid!! I saw Matt in a cafe and he was talking to some evil dude who looked like mick jagger and was like corrupting his mind or something. I wanted to save Matt really bad. Then I realized, wait, I'm dreaming and Matt doesn't have to be corrupted like this! I can convince him to stop, I.e. control him. So I set about trying to talk him into leaving with me. Surprise surprise, he didn't do what I wanted, because even in my dreams I can't control people and make them do what I want. Its interesting how that was the first thing that came to my mind to do once I realized I could do whatever I wanted. Wow, there are no accidents.
Matt was definitely inhabited by some demon and was not acting like himself at this point. At first I thought, well fuck him, I'm just gonna give up on trying to save him. As I learned yesterday, my defense mechanism is giving up on a relationship so I can feel in control of the outcome rather than risking it and have a chance at failing. And then I thought, why can't I control him if I'm lucid dreaming? I even thought, well maybe I'm not really lucid. I was gonna go test it out and go fly or something, but then I knew I wouldn't even enjoy it because I would know I had left Matt behind and given up on him.
Then I remembered the real Matt having told me that in his lucid dreams he would run away from the monsters cuz he got scared, even though he could technically fight them and win. And he also recently stood up to one of them. So I thought, well I can do that too! When I looked at the dream Matt, all mean and corrupted, I just wanted to love and nurture him and tell him that everything's gonna be okay. So I climbed on his lap and did just that. I really wanted to make out with him, so I did! And it felt really good. The more I made out with him, the more I could feel the evil spirit leaving his body. And once it was gone, we just held each other and then I woke up.
Wow, so interesting with a lot of commentary on things I learned in my fifth step yesterday. Ultimately, I can't control and make people do what I want, but I CAN always help them.

My family and I were on a vacation, and we were camping at some ski resort. We stayed in this really creepy ass cabin that had nothing in it except hay on the floor. Actually, there was this weird horse in the corner with really creepy eyes, and Jake and I kept fucking with it with glow sticks. We'd wave them in front of his face and get him all worked up. Then, I went off on my own skiing around and I found this long trail to an old, medieval castle. You had to take a gondola across an icy river to get there. It was a big attraction, and a lot of people came to see it. But I think I didn't go back to my family and just spent the night there. I went back to the cabin the next morning, and a cat was following me.
Then I told Jake and Garrett that they NEED to see this castle cuz it was awesome. So they took the trail, but had to rush back because we were leaving soon. I don't remember much after that, besides trying to get everything packed up to go. I also don't remember seeing my parents ever, just having the feeling that they were there.

So weird. Really vivid dream last night. This girl who's really cool who I just met, Amy, and I were hanging out and walking around Tacoma at night. I really like her as a person (in real life,) and in my dream we were holding hands and putting our arms around each other's shoulders and stuff. I was worried that maybe she would think I'm lesbian or something, but I just really liked her as a friend. We were talking about how we had been talking about other people earlier (which actually did happen with her earlier in the night in real life). We both really wanted to stop doing that so we made a pact not to gossip again. It was a really powerful feeling that came over me of wanting to change because gossiping does not make me feel good, and in a way it's an addiction because even though I don't want to gossip, I'll do it anyway because I'm so curious as to what's happening in other's lives, even though it's none of my business.
Then, I woke up in another dream world. I was picking up Matthew from the airport when he's coming to visit, and I just remember running and jumping into his arms and making out really passionately for a long time in the middle of the airport. Everyone was staring at us but I didn't give a fuck, cuz it felt really good and I missed him so much! Guess I'm just getting excited to see him

This guy Ryan at school, he was REALLY fucking rich in my dream. I was going over to his house, which was in Utah but it was on the beach at the same time. I was using GPS on my phone to get over there, and I almost got in a car crash because of it. When I got there, his house was HUGE and he had his own private section of beach. His entire big ass extended family was there though, and I felt really overwhelmed by all of them, and for some reason I felt ashamed. I don't know why, I just remember that feeling. His dad gave me a new birth certificate, because I told him I disowned my family so I needed a new one. Ryan's whole family was really excited for me for doing that. Ryan also told me some really nice things, like that I'm compassionate and strong and in tune to the world around me. That was nice.
I can't remember if this happened before or after. I was in a diner with Connor, Gaby, Jordan, who are all high school friends. We were having a good time, but the waitress was a total bitch. So I gave her feedback, SRA style. She actually understood, and was willing to take my advice. I think that came from doing resentments yesterday that centered around someone not taking my advice, but idk.
There was another part where I was in a dorm at college, but it didn't look like the one I actually live in. I had started drinking again, and I had a HUGE stash of liquor in my closet. I wouldn't tell anyone about it, and I especially wouldn't share. I just remember being pissed in this part of my dream.

He visited me in my dorm room and we were having fun, and it was going to lead to sex. Audrey was my roommate and I felt bad because I forgot she was in there, and halfway through us giggling and being noisy she left. However, I talked to her about it later and she said she honestly didn't care. Then Ryan's girlfriend broke up with him, and he was super sad so I went to support him. It was selfish support though, because I just want to get with him. I left Todd, and i was really embarrassed he was in my room. I didn't want anyone to know, because I didn't want to be labeled as a slut and I didn't want to kill my chances with Ryan. Then I went back to the room, and he was on fb chat. He was crying and looking at his old gf's page. Weird sauce.

Was at a national convention and Romney and some other guy were running for president. I wanted to vote for Romney. But then he sat down and his little folding chair fell from under him and it set off a domino effect of everyone's folding chairs falling over. It was so fucking funny and everyone's faces were so surprised and hilarious. I was laughing really hard.

Went to a house in Hawaii with the Hallgrens. They had one on Oahu and one on Maui, and since the one on Oahu already had a ton of people at it, Carly and I stayed at the Maui house.
I remember driving on a cute motorcycle to get to the house, and even though it was just a one seater, I definitely had someone on the back. I think it was Gaby.
Michael Burley was there, and he was older and had a bunch of 20-somethings friends there. I remember talking to a pretty girl, and she had a motorcycle too and we talked about ours. I think all of us were crocheting hats for some reason. That's pretty much all I remember.

Had a dream last night about coming home for a school break. I remember driving back from Washington with Morgan, and her friend was in the car with us. The next thing I remember is that I'm home, but I totally avoid seeing my parents like the plague. I get the feeling that something really bad is going to happen if I see them.
I instantly go to find Matthew. When I find him, I run and jump into his arms and we passionately make out Feels really good, and I feel a wave of relief wash over me. We are hanging out with Morgan and Patrick and DJ again, and I'm really happy. He just holds my hand and lets me know he cares.
I wake up two days later, and I had just been camping with Matthew. We walk into a supermarket, and he had just gotten out of track practice or something. He hugs me and tells me that he's so happy to spend time with me, but he knows that my energy isn't completely genuine and that he can tell I'm sad. He says that I can cry with him any time. All the sudden, I feel a ton of emotions all at once and just start crying with him holding me in the middle of the supermarket. But it doesn't necessarily feel sad, it just feels relieving to have someone hold me while I cry. It felt good.

I think this totally relates to the fact that I've been missing Matt a lot and I want to be with him. Also, I am having a hard time relating to people at college because of the lack of sobriety, so my emotions have been pent up. I need to find an outlet in order to release my emotions.

I dreamt that I was at a rock concert with Lenny and my dad. It was outside, and we wanted to get right up to the front row. We waited in line for what seemed like hours, and finally when they opened the gates, we and everyone else ran like crazy people to get close to the stage. Lenny and I made it right next to the stage, and I don't know where my dad went. Then, a few minutes before the concert started, I had to pee really bad. I made Lenny go with me to the bathroom, even though he didn't want to lose our spots. We went and then came back, and sure enough we lost our spots. We tried battling our way to the front again, but everyone just kept crowding around us and pushing us.

I only remember fragments of this dream.
Firstly, all of the people in my dorm hallway were living in a house, and I remember the feeling of pining for Ryan's attention, but he was only interested in Audrey.
I also remember walking alone at night in a neighborhood in Utah, going to my old house and talking to the woman who lives there now. I feel like I was looking for my brother Garrett. I didn't like talking to the woman because I feel like she stole our house and my old life.
Then I went to the movies with my family and my floor. Well, it was either/or because they kept switching. We were seeing Wizard of Oz, and of course we got there hella early to see the Cinemark First Look shit that my dad always likes to see.
I thought I would have to go to the bathroom a lot during the movie, so I went before and met this weird, scary lady who was super judgmental of everyone. I feel like she was Judgement personified. She would look at someone and immediately decide who they were and what they liked and what was happening in their lives. Pretty much, totally judging a book by its cover. She was judging Lauren, my roommate, but Lauren was standing up for herself. I felt weak because I knew if she were to judge me out loud I couldn't stand up for myself.
Then we went back to the dorm and I just remember singing "On My Own" from Les Mis and having fun belting it out.

Mostly, I think this relates to the resentments I wrote about last night right before bed. I wrote about two Mormons, one was my ex boyfriend and the other was his mom. I constantly felt judged by them solely because I wasn't what THEY wanted, i.e. a mormon. I felt less than them and like I couldn't stand up to them. I didn't think I was good enough for them because I didn't have their same spiritual beliefs. As a consequence, I judged their religious views really harshly, and they are currently two of my greatest resentments.

Dreamt that I went to my 6:15 a.m. conditioning class this morning, but I was unprepared and super self-conscious. I felt incompetent compared to the men's basketball team (who make up the majority of the class in reality), and I started emotionally beating up on myself for being "not good enough." I also felt self-conscious of my body, felt fat, and hated myself.
I think the main theme here is the belief of being not good enough. I have been struggling with that since arriving at college. I feel like I'm one of the only sober (due to my addiction/alcoholism) people on campus, and because of that I feel disconnected emotionally from much of the student body. This translates into me not feeling good enough, as well as feeling lonely. My "addict" tells me that I'm not good enough to be friends with most people here because my sobriety will get in the way of a relationship. I know that's not true with the logical side of my brain, however the emotional side of my brain is strong right now. When I don't feel good enough on the inside, I usually have crappy body image on the outside.