Kumara

06/21/2011

1mg melatonin

- I woke up with an image of watching two people merge into one. A blonde-haired, blue-eyed "good" guy merging into a 'twin'. A narrative was running through my mind about how the one I was watching was a "man who visits brothels". I slipped out of the dream as my alarm went off and I received a clear message (it may have been in text on a dream-ticker) that "One is part of the All."



06/22/2011

1mg melatonin
200mcg huperzine-a (pm)

- I was walking down a street that looked like it was by 3rd and Pike/3rd and Union area in Downtown Seattle. To my right was a "JCP" department store (JC Penney?). I was surprised that there was one "just down the street from me" and I had only just noticed. (IRL there is one just down the street from me but I don't live in Seattle anymore.) I walked in and the merchandise was all really inexpensive, and extravagantly beaded and glittery gowns and hats mostly in black and gold. I had an idea to buy it all and then resell it "next year", for 99cents a piece, then realized that didn't make sense, I wouldn't make a profit because it cost more than that.

- I was in a kitchen talking to a woman who looked like Heather P. I think we were disagreeing about a philosophical view, emotional tone was more as though I were being lectured. She was kind of ranting about life being a long string of moments and waiting for the NOW that never comes. I was thinking that she probably wasn't making sense. I may have gone into
a small bathroom to hide from her.

- I was in a kitchen washing dishes with a female friend, telling her about the website Baggage Reclaim and how much it helped me when I realized I was emotionally unavailable,
dating emotionally unavailable men. I even shed a few tears. (This was related to a conversation I had with a friend the night before who seems to me to be pretty delusional about her marriage but at least on the right track to sorting things out. I wanted to tell her about how much the information on the site had helped me but it didn't seem appropriate.)

Note to self: I want to remember to process the emotional stuff (a la Ryan Hurd's suggestion) BEFORE I go
to sleep so my dreams aren't doing the crappy processing work.

Morning of Sun 06/19/2011

200mcg huperzine-a
4mg nicotine
1mg melatonin

Wake @ 2:30 am
Bed @ 4:00 am (so annoying that it takes me so long to get back to sleep)

Dream 1: I was talking to a baby with a really round head, blonde hair and startling blue eyes. At first I was going to pass it by, but I turned back and asked the baby to tell me something about myself. It said, "You are inquisitive and (something about awareness)."

Dream 2: I was moving into a new apartment, in a special complex. My mother was asking about the phone installation (IWL she use to be a telephone cable repair tech.) and I asked her why she wanted to know, because she's retired. She told me she gets called in for special contracts because she is the only one who can do certain types of work...I didn't want to tell her where my new place is, I didn't want her to mess with my phone and there was something with an image of Taylor in my mind when I was talking to her. I was evasive and annoyed because it felt like she was being smothering or invasive.
(***note - later in the day, I felt emotionally vulnerable. I saw some dragonflies over the fence, and my sister remarked that my grandmother had loved them. I didn't know that, and several thoughts of how dragonflies are a meaningful symbol to me and a particular experience with one just before I left the state all converged and I felt my grandmother's caring, guiding presence and burst into tears...my sister was really surprised by my display of emotion. Also, later, my mother came to me in the kitchen and said, "Thank you for being my daughter." which is really different from her usual "thank you for putting up with me."...and we hugged and kissed and I felt very tender toward her (VERY unusual, my mother and I have never been close)..and I spontaneously said to her, "Thank you for being my mother, nobody else could have done it like you." Which seems related to the "special contract" part of the dream. I'm quite pleased with the integration and processing work that seems to be happening!!***)

Snippet: I remember doing an RC by pinching my nose shut and realizing I could breathe but apparently I either don't remember what happened or the lucidity was very brief.

galantamine 8g
choline 500mg
melatonin 1mg

wake @ 3:30am
sleep @ 6:00am
wake @ 7:45 am

Astarius and the Whiny Vampire-thing

-I was lucid, in a bedroom by myself. I was trying to stabilize in the dream, and it was really dim. I was rubbing myself all over and saying, "I am lucid, the world is vivid" over and over. I got out of bed, and saw a small black creature on a long chain, on the bed. It looked like my sister's small dog, but I couldn't be sure. I wanted to let it go, but I didn't know what it was so I kept trying to get the lights on, saying, "lights on" and "I have the vision of the eagle" over and over, and finally tried to use the light switch, which didn't work. (Note to self: try "vision of the owl" or "night vision" in the future)

- I was becoming lucid, and realizing I was surrounded by a crowd of shadows pressing in on me. I stood up to one guy, and was asking him, "what do you represent? what do you want? do you have a gift for me?" I backed him against a wall, turns out he didn't have a gift for me so I pulled a ruby out of my heart and gave it to him. We were kind of at a standstill, and I asked, "God, what do I do with this person?". A ceramic mask appeared over the guys eyes, we both felt relieved, he said "thank you". I walked to the front of the house and came to a window. I carefully pressed on the window and it maybe cracked slightly but I dove through it pretty easily and flew out.

-Lucid - I was flying around and asked the dream to "show me something important". I was transported to a room where a (guy?) with a slight build was lying in fetal position on the floor, facing me, dressed in black. He started to tell me some kind of story about helplessness, and he bared his teeth which looked like vampire teeth...he started to tell me about how he "had" to be a vampire, he had no choice, some really whiny poor-me story. Then he bit my index finger on my right hand and latched on. I tried to shake him off by slamming him against the floor and the wall...and then I called out, "ASTARIUS!" The wall in front of me opened up and Astarius appeared and with his usual amazingly bright smile and attitude, said, "YES!" I held my hand out to him with the thing stuck to it which was becoming mush by that time and I was realizing it was not as it seemed...and asked him, 'what do I do with THIS?" and he pulled out a tissue and said, "let me help you with that, it's just a little sumpin' sumpin'. I expressed gratitude and appreciation for him and told him I'd let him get back to bed (he was dressed similar to the way he always dresses, except it looked like he was in jammies pattern).

Still lucid - Flying on - I tried to fly up into the black night sky. I couldn't get very far so I called an angel for help, as usual an angel never came so I just started wondering if some part of me would help me. A guy who looked a lot like Taylor zoomed alongside me and helped me fly and I asked him what he represented. He said something like "your bioelectric system" or something. He had a blue rubber headgear that looked like a superhero costume. He told me that "it is IMPERATIVE that you continue to take physical action", which I agreed, I understood it to be connected to something I thought of for solstice, as well as being kind of lazy about sitting back and waiting for the universe to hand me things. We flew to an ice rink where people were ice skating, and I remembered I had ice skated before and liked it and didn't suck too bad.

Flying around somewhere else later - I arrived at a building that had an opening to the right and spiral steps carved into the building going in and down, a purple light was glowing from the center. I thought of it as "Astarius's place". I tried to get in through the stairs, but they did an Alice in Wonderland on me and changed and got smaller and smaller or I got bigger, and couldn't fit. So I tried to get in through another entrance, the wall opened up to reveal something that looked like a desk, and there were boxes of pens in UV pastels all laid out. I was trying to dive in through without messing up the order, and tried to dive in but it was a little solid and so I tried moving everything out of the way telekinetically and stacking it all to the side and diving it, for some reason I don't think I made it in.