lucyoncolorado

In which I am selected to replace Scalia...

Obama has selected me to be the new Supreme Court Justice. There is nothing I can do to protest the decision. I must serve, despite being wholly unqualified. It's my first day on the job, and I'm supposed to meet the other Justices at the golf course at Bastrop State Park. I arrive, and I'm given a black robe. I opt for a lace collar like Ruth Bader Ginsberg's.

I walk over to the HQ building in my new robe. I ask to speak to the person in charge. I'm told there isn't a person in charge. I ask for my boss or direct supervisor- whoever it is that is supposed to train me and tell me what to do at work. I'm told that I'm in charge of myself. I tell them that I haven't the slightest idea how to do this job. They respond that I better keep that to myself.

I'm baffled. I have no idea what to do. I stand outside the HQ trying not to panic. Kennedy and Kagan drive up in a golf cart and tell me to climb in the back. We drive off road on the park trails towards the course. Our black robes billow out around us; I'm trying to hold down all the fabric by pushing it under my thighs and tying my sleeves in knots around my wrists, but the cloth keeps flying up over my head and all over the back seat. Kagan is laughing heartily and Kennedy is smiling. I can see that they are good-natured, so I admit to them that I don't know how to play golf. They tell me not to worry about it. They say they'll teach me.

We get to the golf course, and Kennedy shows me how to swing a club. But for me, it's no good. Each time I give it a shot, the club gets tangled in my robes and I trip myself. Kagan laughs some more. I'm really getting stressed about everything, and they tell me to relax. It's just a game, after all. I respond that I'm freaked out because I haven't the slightest idea how to be a judge. I say I can just follow them around and sit to hear cases when they do, but there's no way I could write a dissent or make any important decisions. They tell me to stop worrying so much. They explain that all I have to do is play golf since all of their decisions are determined by who wins the rounds of golf anyway. I am not comforted.


In which I set my neighbor's house on fire...

I build a small fire in my fire pit, then I go inside to make a phone call. When I come back out, there are small grass fires all over my back yard. I fill up a bucket of water and start running around to put out all the small fires. They are spreading faster than I can put them out, and I realize I'll not be able to fight the fires with water. I run back inside and start frantically searching for my fire extinguisher. It's under my refrigerator, and I can't reach it. I finally manage to knock my refrigerator over and get ahold of it. I run back outside, but by this time, it has spread to my nextdoor neighbor's house. The fire is climbing up the wall towards the roof. Her father is there visiting, and he is hosing down the roof and yelling at me to hurry up and extinguish the fire. I can't figure out how to pull the extinguisher trigger. I fumble with it for a while, and then I realize it is empty. I tell the father that I will go grab a bucket of water and help him that way, but I know it is hopeless.