This is long, and incredibly upsetting, so please don't read unless you're in a strong frame of mind at the moment
I can’t remember exactly how it started, but we were pranking somebody via text, and everything got completely out of control somehow, and I remember hiding in his house, absolutely terrified but he found me and he had a hammer and threatened to kill me with it. His name was Dylan but it wasn’t any Dylan that I know, and he was mildly attractive (I consider this important because I know two men named Dylan who I have had crushes on in the past).
He managed to shatter (or possibly just fracture) one of my kneecaps with the hammer, saying the whole time “was it like this? Did he do it like this?” (I have no idea why he was asking me these questions and they confused me).
The next thing I remember is being at a building similar to my primary school, Dylan had me, covered in blood and crying, wearing pants and a bra. He had a knife in his hand, a gun at his side, and an accomplice with another gun standing guard who I could hardly see most of the time. Most of my friends were there and there was so much shouting that I couldn’t really tell who was where or what was being said. He cut my arms many times, just shallow cuts. He stabbed me in the gut twice, but not in any fatal sort of way.
I remember one friend managing to get the knife off him at some point, and another ran in and was shot in the shoulder. The first friend took him back down to the building. Dylan had what I can only think of as an orbital sander, and this he slowly used to make a groove in my left arm, taking off a lot of skin. He kept biting my neck too and saying things like “You like this don’t you? This is what gets you hot isn’t it?” All I can ever remember saying is please theough my tears.
At one point there was a lot of shooting and I managed to stumble down to my friends, but Dylan was saying he would kill every single one of them in front of me if I didn’t come back to him, so I went back to him, telling my pleading friends that everything would be okay. I never stopped crying during the whole thing.
I’ve never had a dream so vivid and I don’t ever remember feeling real, physical pain so intensely in a dream before. The first friend who managed to get the knife of him was one of my best friends who I’ve known for about 6 years. He’s older than me, and has a lot of logical tactical sense and I really look up to and admire him. The friend who was shot is also one of my best friends who I hang out with very often and think of as a brother.
I’m 20 years old, suffer from depression (which is now un-medicated because I cannot stand being on anti-depressants and I feel strong enough to deal with my down periods on my own with the support of my friends and family.) I also have a hunch that I might have depersonalization disorder, but have never discussed this with a medical professional. I work in a hardware store, which is probably why I think he was using something similar to a sander on my arm.
I do enjoy a little bit of dominance as far as relationships go, and I’ve been out of a very unfulfilling 18 month long relationship for about 2 months, however I am still very much in love with my ex boyfriend, I just couldn’t handle the pain of how much he neglected me.
I’ve been prone to self-injury in the past, though that’s well behind me apart from the fact that I occasionally binge drink and smoke like a chimney.
Anyone who can read through this atrocity I’d much appreciate any kind of interpretation, as it really shook me up badly and I can’t let it go.
-Lana
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