Please help me

[LiaCross]

I have tried researching this myself but everything I can find on the topic is way, way off base. First, let me tell you about me. I married the man of my dreams in August of this year. We love each other very, very much and our relationship has no problems. I am a 27 years old female, I'm a police office, and he is 25 and works for the Air Force. He deploys soon, and it has been something that is putting obvious stress on us... but despite that stress our relationship is just as strong (or moreso) than ever. It is the first deployment I will be enduring and his 4th. It is the first one for him where, up until the last minute, the plans have been changing for time and place and is frustrating everyone involved. For perhaps a month I have had a reoccurring dream. I don't remember how every dream begins, or even the details (except for the one I had last night, which I will get to in a bit).. but I do know that they all end the same. I end up in a situation where a man is about to have sex with me. This man is not my husband and as far as dream-me is concerned, I am not me either. I don't have any recollection of my real life. I probably don't even know my name in these dreams. I'm me but also no REAL me. Anyway, I think I'm usually partially or fully naked and on top of or near a bed, but like I said I can't remember them all perfectly. Also I do know that it is always a man I recognize. Usually he is someone I saw on TV that day, or met somewhere. He is often not even very good looking, but regardless I can assure you it is NOT someone I had any inkling of desire for, nor someone I had any feelings towards or thoughts about AT ALL. When I say I love my husband I mean it. I literally do not look at other men at all in any way that could possibly ever be mistaken for desire. Period. I have never cheated on him or anyone else. And he has never cheated on anyone either. Although he did have a very extensive sex life before he met me, to say the least. In these dreams, JUST as the man is about to enter me (or somewhere about that time, before the actual act occurs), I have memories of who I am in real life come flooding into me and I push the man away. Then sometime after I wake up and sort of forget about it. Well, last night I remembered everything. The dream began innocently enough. It was like harry potter. I had a friend who I guess was a wizard and we were transforming into birds and flying around, doing magic and such. It was a lot of fun. I'm pretty sure my friend was a male subject but I can't be sure.... later in the dream, "him" and I were face down on tree branches. He was to my left. Suddenly a man climbed behind me and rested his body on top of mine. I realized that I was naked. He mentioned that my friend to my left was having sex. Suddenly my friend was a girl and a dude was on top of her. They were going at it. I wanted to as well. Keep in mind, at this point I'm not me... not really. This is a different world and at this point I have NO memory of who I am in real life, or that my husband even exists or that I'm married... I don't even know my name. Its just not relevant to me. So I go along with it and I let him start to have sex with me. Its very problematic. He enters me, he thrusts a few times but something's wrong so he pulls out, there's trouble for him getting in. I think he says he comes but he's not in me. He tries entering me again and he's soft. He turns me over and I see him (it was a random male character from a show I was watching. He was only an extra in one episode, but the only character who ended up being naked in a show that normally never shows skin or anything sexual -- Psych). He says that's better and that he would rather look at me (he used different words but it was meant to be flattering). He started to try and put it in me again and suddenly I remembered my husband. And everything came back to me. And I realized what I had done and that I was already doomed. I'd have to tell him. I'd hurt him horribly. I'd never sleep with him or be with him again. I debated just finishing this throw with the guy on top of me since it was already over. But I think my subconscious knew I couldn't. Two people across from me, near my feet, people I didn't recognize, started saying stuff like "what would ---- think?" (---- is substituted for my husband's name)... and "you're married." .. I don't actually remember what they actually said but pretty much letting me know that they saw me, they knew what I had did and made me feel worse about not stopping the second I remembered. At that point I got up and left. Let me be clear. The only reason I didn't throw the man off of me the instant I remembered is because I knew that my life was pretty much over. I had already cheated on him, at that point it didn't matter what I did. He wouldn't forgive me and I wouldn't forgive myself. It didn't matter that I didn't know who I was nor did I remember him. What kind of excuse is that anyway? It was totally bogus. I thought all of this in just a moment, but knew that I was so disgusted and I never wanted another man to touch me, ever. So I left. I ended up in another room with a few people there. I don't remember who they were. One might have been a supervisor from work. Not because he looked like one but just because he seemed concerned about comments I made.... I said how I had to tell my husband. (I always used his name, by the way. I just don't want to type it here). I then said I would kill myself. I was mortified. I was literally in shock and didn't know what to do or how to do it. But I knew that by the time my husband came home next week (he's in training away from home for a bit) I would be dead and he would know the truth. I remember saying more than once that I was going to kill myself. I was trying not to say it too because the man who seemed concerned I was saying that, I was afraid he was going to take me to the hospital. But it was such a solidified fact that it didn't matter. I would die. Not only did I deserve to for hurting my husband so badly but also because of how ashamed I was. I didn't want to go forward knowing how much pain I caused him... I didn't want to live being without him and knowing the reason I can't be with him is my own fault. When I woke up I was immediately relieved it was a dream, but I also started crying because those feelings carried over from the dream. I'm hoping that since my dreams finally tricked me into cheating that they'll stop... but in case they don't... I want to know why they were happening in the first place. I have NO desire to cheat on my husband, I don't think he wants to cheat on me. Yes we are undergoing stress but nothing we can't handle. Its in no way an overload. If this is relevant at all... lately I've been preoccupied with the thought of being pregnant. I have had a few people tell me I will be pregnant before he leaves (two are just guessing or maybe through intuition, the third was a tarot card reader I never met and I in no way hinted I wanted to be pregnant because, at the time, I didn't take it seriously nor did I want to have a baby---- not that it wouldn't be welcomed) and the past 2 months that's mostly what I think about. Anyway, I try to have as much sex as possible with my husband and often I want it more than he does... but regardless I've actually been getting MORE with him lately than normal. I've been very satisfied. The past week he's been away from home (not even that... like 5 days) so obviously I miss him. I wonder if that's related to this dream at all, and why it finally "succeeded". Also some guys I don't normally talk to at length have contacted me lately. Both just friends but I thought one might like me. I was going to tell my husband about it last night, almost jokingly cause the guy is like 7 years my junior, but I didn't get a chance to cause he had to go to sleep early (I was going to mention it tonight when he called). Maybe that played into my dreams as well a little bit? That's all I can think of that might possibly have had an effect. Thank you so much for your help.

[Morningangel]

This is not as scary as you think. First, your animus (google it if you need to) will invariably assume the face of men, and they can be someone you know or a random stranger. Second, betrayal dreams are extremely common, and they are seldom literal. They suggest insecurities, but not cheating. You can probably google these (betrayal dreams) as a class, as well. Try using Charles McPhee in your keyword search. Third, but I am repeating myself a bit. Dreams images in the vast majority of cases are metaphorical, not literal. Dramatic images leading to dramatic feelings, which you express here, are a device the subconscious uses to grab your attention. Made you look, right? Good luck to you and don't worry. You're normal, and this dream is quite frequent.

[Sivason]

I am not sure what form of help you are hoping for. I am normally considered wise, and feel that the psycology of your situation is pretty obvious. However, you have strong convictions that may make what I say sound offensive. My first observation is that you seem to believe that thinking about another man in any desirous way counts as cheating. By most standards that is a radical opinion not shared by the masses, and perhaps arises from some moral teachings related to a church upbringing. The main stream take on it is that you can look but not touch, and also must maintain a descerete sensitivity to not hurting your partners feelings. I can bring to mind the idea of a joke saying, 'just because I am on a diet, does not keep me from looking at a menu." You may disagree, and strongly, but for the sake of understanding, please allow that your take on thoughts counting as infidelity are perhaps more harmful than normal. My wife would not be angery if I went to a bacholor party and saw a stripper, even if I admited to finding it sexy. Now, with that in mind, look at what your brain is doing in your dreams. It is on the most simple level experiencing sexual fantasy. That in itself should normally be a natural blame free event. You have sexual desire and your dreams manifest a random event to meet the desire. It is only your rational waking mind that finds thoughts of another man to count as cheating. I would not worry for a moment about why you would fantasize in a dream state about someone other than your husband. You claim to not be attracted to any male in any way other than your husband, but that seems very unnatural. I would assume you 'wish' to not be attracted to any other man, and 'supress' any such feelings. That is very different than actually not having normal attractions. The short version is you should lighten up on the self battery and judgement. Attraction to someone other than your mate is normal and not a sign of wickedness. When you supress things, they arise in your dreams. Your dreaming mind is not cheating, it is not even thinking about that issue. Advice, learn about lucid dreaming. Then when you realize the man is not your husband, you can simply realize it is a dream and transform the man into your husband.