Trapped in a car with my abusive mom

[adisrad]

Last night, I dreamed I was trapped in a car with my abusive mom and my two sisters (we were all abused as children). My mom was driving and I was in the backseat. My sisters and I were all our current ages. We driving around winding roads in major traffic, and I kept feeling like my mom was going to get us into a car accident. She slammed on the brakes regularly and was tailgating people. I was terrified and kept telling her to drive more safely. We kept getting too close to the car in front of us. My sisters were completely silent throughout the entire dream (true to real life. When we were young, we could deflect some of the abuse by being silent and allowing one sister to take all of the abuse). I kept thinking that once we got to our destination, I could get out of the car and never see my mom again. We just had to get there safely (which felt impossible). I looked down and saw all of my CDs on the floor of her car. I thought to myself that I needed to gather all of my CDs and take them with me when I got out of the car. My mom said that she wanted me to stay at her house after we arrived there. I suddenly became completely enraged and began screaming at her, insulting her with anything I could think of. All of my insults felt completely inadequate for the hell she put us through. I felt like I couldn't find the right words to make her hurt the way she hurt us. She started crying and buried her head in her shirt (causing another near accident). I was still yelling at her when I woke up. My sisters continued to be silent. Background information: -I have recurring dreams related to driving. The car is driving itself or someone else is driving and I have no control. Sometimes I'm trying to drive but I can't remember how. In the past, I've related these dreams to my feelings of no control about the course of my life. I'm very future oriented, but it seems like bad things continue to happen that completely change my course and goals. -In real life, I haven't spoken to my mom in 3 years. My sisters still speak to her and pressure me to make amends. Throughout the dream, I was somewhat confused about how I ended up in a car with them, despite my strong will to never see her again. -Last night, right before I went to sleep, my partner and I had a major fight. My depression has gotten much worse lately, I've been thinking about suicide constantly, and he doesn't care at all. I talk to him about it, and he literally won't remember me ever talking about it. I cried myself to sleep, strongly thinking about suicide. -My mom has borderline personality disorder, which is considered the only mental illness that can't be lessened or helped. People who have it tend to be really abusive, and no amount of counseling or medication will ever make the disorder less intense. Although my mental health problems are really different, I've spent my life worrying that I would grow up to be like her and abuse the people in my life. My first love left me because he thought I was too much like my mom. Her driving me, dangerously, might be partially a symbol that of her abuse leading me to a place where I am abusive, as in "we're driving to the same destination". Any interpretations would be helpful. I think the symbol of driving is too embedded in my dream world to have only one explanation. I also think that the CDs are a major symbol that I can't figure out.

[LucasPotter]

Hello, adisrad, and welcome to DV! At the end of the day, you're the only one who can say whether or not an interpretation is correct, but I'll give you some of my opinions on your dream, based on everything you've posted. I think that the ride to your destination (your mother's house) and the fact that you thought that all you had to do was to get there, and then you'd be able to get away from her, might be related to your past experiences. Your mother was the one who made the decisions back in the day, abusing and controlling you, and that was represented by her being the driver. You grew up and now you're away from her, and that was what you also wanted to do in your dream. Considering that your sisters talk to your mother nowadays and that they pressure you into doing the same could relate to them being quiet in your dream. Maybe you felt like you couldn't count on them to get away from your mother once the car stopped? I'm not sure about the CDs. CDs, in my experience, are something very personal. It's the music that you listen and relate to, it helps us get in tune with our emotions. I'd guess that you wanted to get away from your mother, while taking with you everything that belongs to you and makes you... well, you. Cutting someone out of your life sometimes means that you lose a part of you and that's not always a good thing, even if it's a bad part, for experiences are what help us learn and grow. And finally, I'm very sorry to hear about your depression getting worse. I know how hard that is, and sometimes it feels like you have to remind yourself every single day to at least try to feel a bit less miserable. It's a fight that doesn't seem to end, you just learn how to deal with it, I guess... but if you ever feel like talking to someone, I'm here. Anyway, those are just my opinions... I might be wrong (very likely), but I hope I could help, even if it's just a little!