Abusive father hurting girlfriend

**Derrick** · 07-04-2012 10:04 PM

Alright, it's a long, long story. I'll try to keep it as short as I can. I used to ask this on Yahoo Answers, gave up and searched the internet for a better site, came across this thought I would give it a shot. Here goes...
I am 16 years old (male), my father was abusive for 20 years, emotionally and physically, he attempted to strangle my oldest brother while I was in the room, among other things. He was arrested multiple times, not for long periods of time we lived in a secluded area where the police weren't very good with domestic abuse.
I have a mother whom I am very close with, and two brothers (20, still lives at home, and 30, whom I am also very close with).
I see him every other weekend for visitation, he knows I hate his guts but I try to control myself while over there. Right now he is taking my mother to court to try to get his money back (he says he over payed in child support but he didn't, it's been stretched out for YEARS, it's been horrendous and we're very tight on money).
It's gotten to the point where I'm out having fun and these flashbacks or whatever they are just come into action and I have to leave the room to get a hold of myself.
I am very mature and I already have a job, and I'm getting into college, my life is actually really great right now. Except for him.
So here's my problem, during the day, I have INTENSE day dreams, it's weird, I realize I'm in them but it's so intense I just go along with it for some reason, it's gone on for about a few months now, increasing in severity. And at night I dream about it.
It's almost always the same thing, he tries to take my girlfriend away from me, I never see him hurt her, just grab her and start to leave, but I know he's going to in the dream. And I can never stop him, although in the day dreams I usually end up getting her to safety.
If you need more information just ask I'll but up for a while. Thank you so much in advance.

**Sn0wy** · 07-04-2012 10:10 PM

What exactly are you asking? How to stop it?

**Derrick** · 07-04-2012 10:14 PM

yes, and why I'm having it

**Carrot** · 07-04-2012 10:20 PM

Try posting it in the Help! section, I think you'll generate more helpful replies regarding your abusive father there: http://www.dreamviews.com/f38/

**Derrick** · 07-04-2012 10:22 PM

Okay thanks

**gab** · 07-04-2012 10:30 PM

I think you having these dreams, because that's how you feel in waking life. You are affraid, that your father will somehow be responsible for separating you from your girlfriend. Wheather it be directly, you father doing something, or you doing something. You have probably heard about "cycle of abuse" - abused kids may be abusive themselfs later in their lives. You may be worried about this. Possibly a councelor may be able to help you sort it out. There should be some free help available in school you attending. Good luck to you.

**moSh** · 07-04-2012 10:51 PM

Originally Posted by gab

I think you having these dreams, because that's how you feel in waking life. You are affraid, that your father will somehow be responsible for separating you from your girlfriend. Wheather it be directly, you father doing something, or you doing something. You have probably heard about "cycle of abuse" - abused kids may be abusive themselfs later in their lives. You may be worried about this. Possibly a councelor may be able to help you sort it out. There should be some free help available in school you attending. Good luck to you.

While I completely agree with what gab has said, I don't think it's necessarily specific to your girlfriend. What I love (though in the case, would hate) about dreams is that they have the ability to convey things happening in our mind that we may not even be aware of. For this reason, I believe not only might you be worrying about something happening between your father and your girlfriend, you may also be worried about it affecting other aspects of your life - i.e. your girlfriend might represent some other aspect(s) of your life. This is because obviously you can't really have a dream about your father 'abusing' everything you care about (such as your career, for example), so your mind needs a way of condensing into a symbol.

Of course, this fear of having your girlfriend harmed would be the first thing to look at, but I'm just saying don't rule out the possibility that your dreams apply to more general aspects of your life.

In terms of therapy, 20 years of abuse is a huge amount of damage to erase, I'm truly sympathise for your situation. Talking about it thoroughly with someone you trust (not just on an internet forum) would be the first port of call, though I'm sure you've done this before, if not multiple times. Despite my habit of analysing psychological problems, I'm not overly keen on psychiatrists these days for various reasons, but by all means try it if you have the money.

Isolating what you are truly afraid of would be a very helpful step. If you know what haunts you specifically, you'll know what needs working through.

That's all I can think of right now, I'm afraid it's not much. I hope this situation resolves soon.

**gab** · 07-04-2012 11:12 PM

MoSh, you are so right. Of course, the "girlfriend" in dreams may represent anything you care for in your life, be it your loved ones or your future life itself.

And by the way, great post.

**Darkmatters** · 07-04-2012 11:16 PM

My thought was pretty much exactly what Gab and Mosh said. But I'd say it might not only relate to the cycle of abuse as far as being afraid you might become abusive like your dad - but also that you're afraid you might be damaged in ways that can prevent you from having good relationships in general.

I'd recommend you do a lot of searching on the internet about "children of abusive parents" and learn about the kinds of problems they can face. You're sure to learn extremely valuable information that can help you at least to understand what you're going through.

And while Mosh is right about the problems of psychiatry, it can often be incredibly helpful to develop a relationship with a counselor or therapist who you develop a trusting and open relationship with and that you can talk to about everything - even just being able to talk about it can be cathartic and help immensely.

**moSh** · 07-04-2012 11:30 PM

Originally Posted by Darkmatters

But I'd say it might not only relate to the cycle of abuse as far as being afraid you might become abusive like your dad - but also that you're afraid you might be damaged in ways that can prevent you from having good relationships in general.

I'd recommend you do a lot of searching on the internet about "children of abusive parents" and learn about the kinds of problems they can face. You're sure to learn extremely valuable information that can help you at least to understand what you're going through.

Agreed.

And while Mosh is right about the problems of psychiatry, it can often be incredibly helpful to develop a relationship with a counselor or therapist who you develop a trusting and open relationship with and that you can talk to about everything - even just being able to talk about it can be cathartic and help immensely.

Yes, I failed to mention that there are of course good psychiatrists and therapists out there that don't simply read from a textbook.

**gab** · 07-04-2012 11:35 PM

Derrick, I think you have already won half the battle by realizing something is wrong and by wanting to do something about it. I'm sure you'll be able to sort it out, as hard and painful as it may be.

**Derrick** · 07-05-2012 12:19 AM

Thanks guys, very enlightening. I am actually hoping to become a clinical psychologist believe it or not haha. One of my friends knows a good therapist I think I might try out.
Thanks for taking the time to give thorough answers, really appreciate it. And by all means if anyone has anything else to say, I think I'll check this forum regularly. I find dreams quite intriguing.

**moSh** · 07-05-2012 12:29 AM

Glad to help, let us know if the situation gets any better (or any worse, for that matter).

**Derrick** · 07-19-2012 02:10 AM

Hey, just thought I would come back and say that the issue has definitely cleared up, been having an occasional occurrance but I try to focus on reality, I also found that there's this one song that brings me back to earth, kind of odd, but "Because of You" by Ne-Yo does the trick ha, anyway, thanks a lot, life is much more relaxing without it, glad I found this site