Somewhere inbetween good and evil.

[SaveMeBeforeItsTooLate]

First of all, this is a psychological issue, not a religious one, as may be thought based on the title. I'm 19 years old. I feel like I'm somewhere inbetween good and evil, but being dragged towards the evil side. It is not that it is much of a moral dilemma for me, as I'm quite void of any morality. I think I'm entitled to do whatever I want. As a child I was very aggressive and had a temper. I would frequently assault classmates and provoke them into fighting from the age 8-15. When I won it all felt good, but when I lost I started crying and/or put the full blame on the other guy. After that I got calmer. From 15-18 I didn't commit much antisocial behavior except tripping people when playing soccer and simliar. I began developing some morality, and thought of stealing and criminal activity as wrong. But at 18 I started thinking: "Fuck this shit, I should do whatever I feel like!" I started stealing for the hell of it, and I have made some burglaries, using a crowbar, which was quite fun and exciting. I have also learned to lockpick and intend to use that aswell. Since then it has escalated. Two weeks ago I bought a skii mask, to use for masking myself. I started prowling the streets, searching men walking around to assault for the fun of fighting. I only saw a few. One I screamed at and chased, but he ran away. Two others I stalked when I saw them, but their place was nearby so they got away aswell. What can I say, I miss my days of fighting. I think it was fun and exciting. I was quite surprised I actually went through with it. I didn't think I would, but now I feel emboldened. Also, so far I have no criminal record, and I don't think I ever will, having studied how the cops chase offenders. Infact, ironically I'm thinking about becoming a cop. I also have thoughts about becoming a serial killer, to make headlines in the papers and become notorious, and for the fun of evading authority. But that's nothing I want to hurry with. First I intend to get a car, an own place and arm myself by getting weapons and bulletproof vests legally. I would rather risk death than getting caught by the cops. Another reason I want to wait is because I think there's a risk I might get more empathy as I age. But so far I'm quite callous. I have tortured and killed birds from 15 to now. The first time I felt a little bit of remorse, but I kept telling myself I had the right to do it. The most recent time I didn't really feel anything as I squuezed the life out of a bird and intestines dropped to the floor. But altough this is what the evil side - which has taken the lead - wants, my good side just wants to be happy. Find some girl I can love and live happily ever after. But mostly I find it hard to actually have feelings for another person, except for my immediate family and even there it is tough - mostly a type of hate-love. I can feel I like people at the start, but then they just disgust me. Only in my dreams when I meet someone I can truely feel happy, if only for a brief moment, before I wake up in disappointment to my dull and depressing reality. It might also be worth mentioning that I'm paranoid. After getting into an arguement at night with my brother I feared he would kill me - though he had made no such threats - so I slept with a large knife in my bed for the duration of the night. For a period my dreams clearly showed this too, though it has calmed down recently. People I know around me turn into demons and try to kill me, I'm betrayed and in the worst case my family turned against me and I was forced to kill them. That felt horrible, but I had to do it to live myself. I guess I want to be magically helped by reaching out somehow, but unfortunately I don't think it will work. I wish I could just be happy.

[Original Poster]

There's no real reason presented in life to be a good person other than this: With experience you'll learn all happiness you gain is proceeded by a equal feeling of unhappiness once the source ends. The only kind of happiness you keep is the kind you give away.

[thegnome54]

Assuming you're serious, which is a disturbing assumption to begin with, you seem to be very capable of understanding pain and defeat yourself - "When I won it all felt good, but when I lost I started crying and/or put the full blame on the other guy." You also seem to be quite rational about the whole affair, if not emotional. Can you understand, even just on a conceptual level, that other people feel the same pain and sorrow as you are capable of experiencing when you harm them? If you truly lack empathy, than this should not trouble you on an emotional level. However, would it be possible for you to refrain from causing others harm simply on the logical basis that if you harm them, they could decide to cause you harm in return, or you might be punished by law? How do you reconcile your own distaste for pain and your carelessness about that of others?

[SaveMeBeforeItsTooLate]

You also seem to be quite rational about the whole affair, if not emotional. Can you understand, even just on a conceptual level, that other people feel the same pain and sorrow as you are capable of experiencing when you harm them? If you truly lack empathy, than this should not trouble you on an emotional level. I do feel sorry for myself that I'm not as happy as I would like to be, but I would not say it is to the point of depression. I have never cut myself or anything similiar. And yes, I do realize others feel that way too, but I just don't feel for them. However, would it be possible for you to refrain from causing others harm simply on the logical basis that if you harm them, they could decide to cause you harm in return, or you might be punished by law? I'm confident in my ability to evade the law. And as for them harming me, it doesn't scare me when normal people come with such treats. Three guys at my previous school threatened that they would beat me up, yet I didn't get stressed or anxious and went to sport class and so on with them. I infact hoped they would attack me so I would get a fight. But if a person I deemed as life-threatening intimidated me, I would kill him to solve the problem. How do you reconcile your own distaste for pain and your carelessness about that of others? I don't have much - if any - empathy for other humans, so it just doesn't bother me. Winning gives a reward - a feeling of power - and the fight is exciting. But though I can't feel sorry for an unknown person or someone I know but plain don't care about, I can feel sorry for cats and dogs. I hate seeing a cat or dog in pain.

[Merlock]

It is not that it is much of a moral dilemma for me, as I'm quite void of any morality. You aren't turning evil if you have no morals. You're apathetic. Apathy is the most disgusting thing in the world and yet it's spreading like a plague. You aren't evil, because someone truly evil has morals and ideals and imposes them upon everyone else, no matter who gets hurt (evil beings don't consider themselves evil) while someone truly righteous stands up for his own ideals and principles as well but those ideals are based on good will and justice, as well as tolerance, thus not imposing the morals upon everyone, unless they are clearly defying them and causing pain, injustice, etc. So, although this isn't in the "Help!" forum section, my advice is to stop being one of the grey mass that inhabit modern society full of apathy and meaningless existence and gather up your feelings, understand them and act upon them instead of being some sort of beast that knows inside that it dislikes what it's doing but doesn't care and remains filled with apathy towards everything and everyone.

[SaveMeBeforeItsTooLate]

Well, I would say I have some morality. I condemn treachery and value loyalty. I hate traitors, and would never personally betray someone whom I consider a friend. If I don't consider said person to be a friend I don't consider it betrayal, though, since I didn't like him. But all in all, yes, I'm quite apathic.

[Cyclic13]

Is it just me that found this story extremely unlikely and hard to believe? Sure, while it's normally best to err on the side of caution, this is after all the internet. I find it extremely hard to imagine someone would choose a dream views forum of all places for advice on such a matter, and even more unlikely they'd choose it as a place to express their final cries for help before they crossover to something extreme. Not to mention, nothing anyone could type on the internet would change this gentleman's disposition for the better, either way. Clearly anyone with these thought processes' is beyond anonymous internet tips and suggestions. Personally, I feel that considering banned member BeautifulDreamer was an over-exaggerating attention whore who continually wrote fictitious and outlandish stories, leads me to believe we may be dealing with him. I suggest an admin look into the IP address, if not to check the authenticity of the user, at the very least, to inform the authorities of the user's admissions to more than one serious felony and assault.

[SaveMeBeforeItsTooLate]

You don't have to believe me. And no, I'm not BD. I have read his story, though. It was interesting, even if it was fiction. Oh, and btw, it might be worth mentioning that I'm typing all of this in an Internet café, so good luck setting me up to the authorities.

[Cyclic13]

Well, given the times between your first post (Today, 11:58 AM) and last post (Today, 04:57 PM) spanned a timeframe of 5+ hours you must've been there for quite some time, or left and came back many times throughout the day/night. It's really not as hard as you might think for them to pinpoint the exact time and terminal, by simply ask the employees to recall who was there at that time. Then, it's just a matter of asking around some more. You'd be surprised at how good the feds are at what they do. At the very least they'd now have a location as a lead into a potentially dangerous situation and connection to previous crimes. If what you say is true, you probably made mistakes like today and left other clues at your other crime scenes which make it all the more likely you'd be caught. It's all about connecting the dots, people are bound to trip up like this eventually. Why do you feel the need to tell us about your crimes? People spilling the beans and bragging to someone is what almost always leads to their capture. They were able to catch a guy who robbed a bank I was working at simply by an artists description (someone forgot to change the video tape for the security camera that day). You'd be amazed how accurate those drawings are, too. The FBI were there in their suits and sunglasses literally 5 minutes after he robbed the place. I learned that day it would be wise not to fuck with the feds by committing a federal crime. They also tied him to a string of robberies, because like the pringles potato chips, once you pop, you can't stop. Either you are in an english speaking country with a time zone significantly differing from mine, which would make it night/early morning time when you posted making it easier for someone to remember your face, or you are in Australia, New Zealand, or Japan. Either way, I still don't buy it. Show me a picture of an eviscerated dead bird time stamped for today... it shouldn't be hard for you to do again. If you can do that, it'll buy some credence to your story.

[The Cusp]

I was going to write something here, but nevermind.

[Cyclic13]

Why did you change your mind, and more importantly, why go to the trouble to tell us you were?

[Carôusoul]

Before killing anyone, try killing yourself; if that works out; feel free to take others life. Actually, just kill yourself regardless.

[Bonsay]

Before killing anyone, try killing yourself; if that works out; feel free to take others life. Actually, just kill yourself regardless. I consider myself "kind" and very moral, but I can't deny that deep inside I agree with you completely. Go to a mental hospital. People like you make me sick and distrupt my idea of a "hippy" happy world. Even if it's "not your fault"... Personally, though I believe that this is a joke. If it's not, it wouldn't suprise me, since I'm still here on Earth, lol.

[pj]

You come in to a Lucid Dreaming forum to resolve your "problem" with being a sociopath? Try a psych forum or, better yet, a real psychologist. This is neither welcome nor useful.