First of all, this is a psychological issue, not a religious one, as may be thought based on the title.

I'm 19 years old.

I feel like I'm somewhere inbetween good and evil, but being dragged towards the evil side. It is not that it is much of a moral dilemma for me, as I'm quite void of any morality. I think I'm entitled to do whatever I want.

As a child I was very aggressive and had a temper. I would frequently assault classmates and provoke them into fighting from the age 8-15. When I won it all felt good, but when I lost I started crying and/or put the full blame on the other guy.

After that I got calmer. From 15-18 I didn't commit much antisocial behavior except tripping people when playing soccer and simliar. I began developing some morality, and thought of stealing and criminal activity as wrong. But at 18 I started thinking: "Fuck this shit, I should do whatever I feel like!"

I started stealing for the hell of it, and I have made some burglaries, using a crowbar, which was quite fun and exciting. I have also learned to lockpick and intend to use that aswell.

Since then it has escalated. Two weeks ago I bought a skii mask, to use for masking myself. I started prowling the streets, searching men walking around to assault for the fun of fighting. I only saw a few. One I screamed at and chased, but he ran away. Two others I stalked when I saw them, but their place was nearby so they got away aswell.
What can I say, I miss my days of fighting. I think it was fun and exciting.

I was quite surprised I actually went through with it. I didn't think I would, but now I feel emboldened.

Also, so far I have no criminal record, and I don't think I ever will, having studied how the cops chase offenders. Infact, ironically I'm thinking about becoming a cop.

I also have thoughts about becoming a serial killer, to make headlines in the papers and become notorious, and for the fun of evading authority. But that's nothing I want to hurry with. First I intend to get a car, an own place and arm myself by getting weapons and bulletproof vests legally. I would rather risk death than getting caught by the cops.

Another reason I want to wait is because I think there's a risk I might get more empathy as I age. But so far I'm quite callous. I have tortured and killed birds from 15 to now. The first time I felt a little bit of remorse, but I kept telling myself I had the right to do it. The most recent time I didn't really feel anything as I squuezed the life out of a bird and intestines dropped to the floor.

But altough this is what the evil side - which has taken the lead - wants, my good side just wants to be happy. Find some girl I can love and live happily ever after. But mostly I find it hard to actually have feelings for another person, except for my immediate family and even there it is tough - mostly a type of hate-love. I can feel I like people at the start, but then they just disgust me. Only in my dreams when I meet someone I can truely feel happy, if only for a brief moment, before I wake up in disappointment to my dull and depressing reality.

It might also be worth mentioning that I'm paranoid. After getting into an arguement at night with my brother I feared he would kill me - though he had made no such threats - so I slept with a large knife in my bed for the duration of the night.
For a period my dreams clearly showed this too, though it has calmed down recently. People I know around me turn into demons and try to kill me, I'm betrayed and in the worst case my family turned against me and I was forced to kill them. That felt horrible, but I had to do it to live myself.

I guess I want to be magically helped by reaching out somehow, but unfortunately I don't think it will work. I wish I could just be happy.