Thread: Brock Obama

He's the man, god dammit!

Brock, you see, is the truth, and the way. He is also the arbiter of hope and optimism, and is the bringer of change.

Here, a recent interview with some of his supporters:

Chiquita: I grew up on the south side of Chicago an I wanna no, were you born a Democrat or was you indoctrinated into the cult by your parents or public school system?

Barack: First, Democratic beliefs are not a cult. Cults are a religion and Democrats don't believe in religion because it dictates how people should behave. The Republicans are the cult.

Chiquita: So Democrats don't believe in making laws? You mean we can do whatever we want?

Barack: Quite the contrary, Democrats believe in making laws so people will ....behave... uh, in the proper manner and, okay NEXT.

Ranchero: What is the difference between Democrats and Republicans in your opinion?

Barack: Have you ever heard the expression "can't see the forest for the trees"?

Ranchero: Of course, man. Who hasn't?

Barack: Well, Republicans tend to see whole forests. They are very good at seeing “big pictures,” and imagining such concepts as leveling the forest to build new shopping centers, monuments, and parking lots. Democrats, on the other hand, are often “tree people.” We often have an extraordinary ability to focus in. By focusing all our intelligence on one tree, we get attached to it and as Democrats, show the tree affection by hugging and living on top of it. If it weren't for Democrats, the world would be deforested and 6 feet underwater.

Next.

Bubba: If there were ever a better system of politics would you consider it or would you think it was like taking a piece away?

Barack: At age 45, I am comfortable the way I am and I would not want to take any pieces away. As a teenager, though, life was a lot harder and I’d have had a different answer if you asked me this at age 15. I guess we become more comfortable with ourselves as we get older and hopefully wiser. I've come to terms with my eccentric Democratic lifestyle. I no longer feel guilty advocating the killing of little 1 month old baby fetuses with itty bitty beating hearts the size of a hummingbird and have no qualms regarding the removal of social security benefits within the next 5 years. If Ford and GM can buck the seniors than why shouldn't we? Anything we can do to get them off the streets will only benefit the rest of society and result in fewer traffic delays.

Bubba: No, I mean would you take away our pieces? You know, like our protective gear? Like our guns, y'all?

Barack: Guns are fine as long as they are kept in a locked vault with triple locks and the guns are kept in the locked safety position at all times.

Starrylisha: Do you think politikses makes peoples smart?

Barack: I don’t think politics makes people smart. There are many different ways to measure mental power. Often people in politics have powerful connections and a lot of cash and the public tends to see people like that as “smart.” But you can be smart in other ways too. For example, someone with great social skills might not seem smart to some observers but only because they are unaware of the intelligence required to become a conniving manipulator. Most politicians are aware of this fact and know how to play it smart while appearing dumb. In the political world we call such people "Republicans".

Next.

Nancy: As a woman, how do I become a presidential candidate?

Barack: There’s a lot of controversy about this. If you want to be taken seriously as presidential material, don't make fun of women who bake cookies especially if you are a woman. I would also suggest eliminating pantsuits from your wardrobe and don't wear a butch haircut. Shoulder length is best and don't speak in a hollow monotone. Don't stay with a man who let's some sleazebag suck his dick under the oval office desk and never forget that people never forget. Don't run at the same time as another very popular candidate from the same cult, err, party. And also Change. It is a coming.

Marcus: Why did you choose a Washington fixture to be your VP instead of a Beyonce or Leona Lewis?

Barack: Because I didn't want my campaign to become a speculative soap opera of who's fucking who. I think everyone knows that Chris Matthews and Jay Leno would wet their pants at the chance to make suggestive digs if I were to choose a young, inexperienced hottie instead of a dyed in the wool elderly Democrat.

Marcus: So are you suggesting that McCain chose Palin because he's going through some kind of mid-life crisis?

Barack: Mid-life? Haha. Yeah, if he lives to 380. No, I think he wants to attract hockey moms from Alaska and Minnesota, states which have typically voted for Jessie Ventura.

Here he is, posing with superman, his childhood hero and his uncle:



Some people are confused about Brock's change. To view his full plan, see below.

Spoiler for The ultimate plan!:

Experience? That word leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Our whole problem is that right now people are too experienced: too experienced at wheedling, too experienced at cutting deals, and too experienced at serving special interests! This is the time for new leadership! The time for hope! The time for change! The time for optimism! After that, perhaps more hope! Then hope again, change for a little while, then a mixture of optimism and change! After that we break for lunch. Then it's right back at things with some light change...

Here he can be seen in his official O-MAN suit, ready to bring truth, change, justice, change, hope, change, and some more change!



All Hail Brock! The second coming of our savior!

This has been a public service announcement. If you find this offensive or in poor taste, then you can go sulk for all we care. Or, better, you can write a letter, lose it, rewrite it, find your old letter, rewrite again, spill coffee on it, lose and find again, and then finally send us the bits that are left in a ZipLock bag via the US Postal Service.