Thread: Jesus Christ........

I just emerged from my room stumbling and barely awake

"I just had the most fucked up dream....." I said to my mum.

This was IRL.

I feel I HAVE to explain it here.

Basically this kid I know died a few days ago in a car crash. I didn't know him VERY well, but he was a good kid. I'd met him maybe 10 or so times, he was quiet though, didn't speak to him much. When he died I didn't really care, I acknowledge it was terrible, but there was just a hint of sadness. Not like if someone really close to me died, in which case I'd be a complete mess. I was sort of impartial to it I spose, and the sadness was more there because he will never be able to do all the things he could have.
This will all come in to play as you will see. But....

Just now I've realised something which I must put here, but which doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the story.
I've often thought humans are egocentric creatures. Nothing we do is about helping other people, it's just about getting the feel good chemicals we release in to our brains from helping other people. This, I realise now, is not true.
Now I have had the opportunity to distinguish between the crying for myself never seeing someone I love again, and the sadness I felt for this kid, never being able to do what he could have, because he was a good kid, he could have done good things, given the chance. And good people deserve to live. Now I can see that there is probably usually a sadness for the actual person too, even though they are dead, but it is mostly overwhelmed by the sadness you feel which is admittedly, by any honest person, a selfish sadness. You're sad that you will never see them again

Anyway....

I had a dream a couple of nights ago which I'd completely forgotten about until this morning. It's hazy, but I was at some strange and very peculiar party. There were a few kids there and some of my family and a few more adults and random people.

There was a kid who for some reason liked me. He didn't say so but he wanted to be friends. I didn't really, I mean he was probably 10-12 and I'm 20 years old. But I played with him anyway.

Not much I remember besides that. Except that I didn't pick up any meaning from this dream at all, basically brushed it off when I woke up, and went about my day.

Last night I had a dream....
I was at this same party. Again I don't remember a whole lot. A lot happened, it gets mixed up and incomprehensible when you're dream recall has slipped.

One thing stood out though. There was this girl probably about 14 years old. She seemed to like me, just like that other kid from the dream few nights ago. But it seemed more like a teenage crush on an older guy, you know how it is.
I was lying down on this mat in the room, it was like a party room at some place I guess, glass walls all around and play equipment for the kids.
The girl came and lay down next to me, this is in 3rd person view. The camera angle was sort of 1 and a half metres off the ground and about 3-4 metres away, looking from the direction of our feet.
The girl sort of arched her back and rubbed against me, sort of pretending to stretch. She was well developed for her age, her breasts rubbed against me and then she rolled over and rubbed her ass against me. I was sort of separate from this scene, hence the camera angle. So I didn't feel it, only saw it.
I freaked out a tiny bit and I said "Jesus, you're only (unknown, but guessing ~14) years old". The scene kind of ended after this, or I can't remember what else happened.

I'm in the back room of my house. The couches are arranged differently like I made room for this same kid from the dream a few nights ago to sleep over and a mattress is on the floor.
The kid is dead. Lying there, top half naked but pants on, dead.
I remember now that he died a few days ago. (In my dream a few nights ago he actually did die, but I'd forgotten that until this morning, and evidently this dream was a continuation of the last one, so I knew he had died a few days ago, in the dream).
I wasn't really shocked, since he'd been there for a few days now. Can't really remember how he died.
He was almost grey.
I remember an Alan Watts audio tape where he talks about how we are way too obsessed with hygiene.
Then I hear Alan Watts voice "no, we don't touch humans.... ha ha"
I look at him. He had a thick plastic bag half covering his body. Like the kind mattresses and pillows come in when you buy them from the store. About 5mm thick.
I lift it up a bit.
I go to put a finger, like a slow and cautious poke, on his tight, skinny (I can see the ribs) stomach, I pull away.... I can't.
I am kind of disgusted that I can't even touch a dead person. Not that that's not normal, some people would be scared of that. But it's not the fact that he's dead, it's that I am scared of the germs. (I have OCD IRL, and it appears, sometimes in my dreams too, I don't like touching alive people either, unless I like them enough) So it's not that he's dead, it's that my fear of germs overcame the fact that there was a dead.... friend, I suppose, and the natural response for most would be to hug this person and cry. But I couldn't. Maybe I still didn't want to be friends with him, but I didn't think about that at that moment. This whole situation was just fucked up.

I walk out thinking "when are we going to get rid of this body!?"
Just totally fucking confused!
I find my mum and ask her if she's going to call the kids mum. She's in the bathroom, there's heaps of papers on one wall, no idea what of though.
She says "Yeh, I was just about to do that" sort of like it's just another thing she has to do in the day, but slightly concerned. She continues "Do you want to...." I know she's going to ask if I want to call her, my internal thoughts are racing for a second and I strongly know I could not do it, she stops the question and says "I feel like I'm gonna throw up every time I think about telling her".
She dry reaches a bit and it sounds very odd.
She calls anyway, I walk away as she starts talking and just hear "Hi, (incomprehensible)................"

You have no idea how fucking fucked up this was. But as I woke up, I realised. It was all about the kid I knew who died in a car crash!

You see, I grew up in a scientific household. Mostly because of my dad. I realised just this morning that everything with science goes too far. Actually, everything with everything goes too far, whether it's religion, mystical beliefs, politics, anything. In this case science.

I read an article a while ago about how the human brain is only capable of caring for around 50 people at a time, I think it was 50, maybe a bit more or less, but it's an average anyway, obviously not exact. Something to do with how our ancestors lived in tribes etc. and they never got larger than around 50 people.

So when this kid (IRL) died, I figured that I didn't care too much, it was a bit sad, but after all, I can only care for so many people! I did feel sad though, but I kept rationalising the feeling. As well as with the fact that I didn't even know him too well. Never really had any sort of connection with him, just knew him. But I still felt sad nonetheless.

I also realised that not liking germs because they spread disease etc. has turned in to fear in SO many people. Even people without OCD. It's just gone way too far. Hospital grade antiseptic in every bathroom, anti-bacterial tooth brushes, imunisations for the flu which won't even kill you, heavy anti-biotics for every little infection.... you get the point.

Granted this is mostly marketing to play on people's fear.
But we need to take a step back and look at what we actually feel and what we actually feel is necessary.

Just needed to write this out, it was one fucked up night. I think it's helped.