Thread: Post a funny joke!

1. A video game theme

2. lulz

Seismosaur is a pretty lady!

Anywho... heres another Demetri Martin joke.

Batteries are the most dramatic items ever. Other things, they break, or stop working. But batteries... THEY DIE. "Hey man, why aren't you listening to your walkman?" "My batteries DIED in my lap this morning."
I also find it funny that they have A and C batteries, but no b's. That's probablly to avoid confusion. Because how can you tell when someone wants some, or they just have a stutter...
"Yes I would like B Batteries."
"Sure what kind?"
"B batteries."
"What kind?!"
"B BATTERIES DAMNIT I SAID IT 3 TIMES!"
And never order C batteries in twos...
"Yes I would two C batteries."
"Then look at em, stupid."

Originally Posted by AmazeO XD

Batteries are the most dramatic items ever. Other things, they break, or stop working. But batteries... THEY DIE. "Hey man, why aren't you listening to your walkman?" "My batteries DIED in my lap this morning."
I also find it funny that they have A and C batteries, but no b's. That's probablly to avoid confusion. Because how can you tell when someone wants some, or they just have a stutter...
"Yes I would like B Batteries."
"Sure what kind?"
"B batteries."
"What kind?!"
"B BATTERIES DAMNIT I SAID IT 3 TIMES!"
And never order C batteries in twos...
"Yes I would two C batteries."
"Then look at em, stupid."

I have no idea who Demetri Martin is but that is fecking terrible. It wasn't even worth reading.

I like when jokes are kept short so in the case they are devoid of humour as above, at least you haven't wasted effort reading them. As in:

"Aren't you the guy who invented TippEx? Correct me if I'm wrong."

And a longer one:

"So I was playing a piano in a bar, and this elephant walks in, and begins to cry his eyes out.

I say, 'Do you recognise the tune?'

He said, 'I recognise the ivory.'"

An army general (or whatever you call him) goes to visit some of his troops. He talks to some of them, tries to give them the feel that he's actually doing something. He sees a camel and asks his assistant what it's for. The assistant explains that the soldiers can get very lonely and the camel is handy for when that time comes. So later the general is back at his place, and he's feeling somewhat lonely, so he yells "send in the camel!". The general proceeds to have long, vigorous sex with the camel. He then asks his assistant "is that how the enlisted men do it?"
"Well sir, usually they just ride the camel into town."

Bestiality's hilarious.

There's good news and bad news. The good news is that a bus of lawyers just drove off a cliff. The bad news is that there were three empty seats on it.

A snake and a lawyer both get hit by cars. What's the difference?

The snake had skid marks in front of it.

-------------------------------------

What is the difference between a Catfish and a lawyer?

One is a scummy, bottom-feeder, the other is a fish.

I walked into a bar and there was a sign up that said if you could make a horse laugh then you win $200. I told the bartender that I could do it so I went into the back, whispered something into the horse's ear and it burst out laughing.

I took the $200, had a drink and left. A week later I went into the same bar and the bartender said that he'd give me another $200 if I could get the horse to stop laughing. I went into the back, and came back and the horse was quiet.

The bartender gave me the money and said "I gotta ask, how did you do that?"

I said "To make him laugh I told him that my penis was bigger than his."

"Oh, then how'd you make him stop laughing?"

"I showed him."

Let's try to keep the racism and descrimination down a little, OK? If this thread turns into a shouting match, it will be locked.

now....


What do you call an armless, legless man swimming in the ocean?






....Bob

What do you call an armless, legless guy hanging on the wall?





Art.

A man went to the beach one day and saw a armless, legless woman crying.
He asked her "Why are you crying?".
She said "I've never been kissed by a man!".
He leaned over and gave her a nice long kiss.
As he walked away he heard her crying again.
He came back and asked "Why are you crying now?".
She said "I've never been fucked!".
So he threw her in the water and said "Your fucked!"

Is this armless, legless woman single?

LULZ. As soon as Seeker said the armless legless joke, I thought of the ocean one. And then someone posted it. GRR!

Also whoever said that Demetri Martin joke was stupid.. he's a standup comedian. So, it might not be as funny.

Okay, heres one from Mitch Hedburg.

"I think that Pringles was original a tennis ball company. But one day, instead of rubber, they got potatoes. But pringles is a laid back company, and they said.. "FUCK IT, lets cut em up!"

Heres a really long one... so it'll be lulzy!

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell
the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
deaths.So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has
been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where
this other guy could have been hiding.Finally, I went out to the
balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
25 floors above ground!By now I was really mad, so I started beating
on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting
hammering on his fingers.Of course, he couldn't stand that for long,
so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the
bushes, stunned but okay.I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into
the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it
landed on him, killing him instantly.But all the stress and anger got
to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man
in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony.Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because
I fell over the edge.But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me.I knew I couldn't hang on for very
long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.I thought
for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me.I
held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a
hammer and started pounding on my hands.Finally I just let go, but
again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all
right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this
refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
process was repeated.Peter explained that heaven was full and asked
for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
refrigerator..."

What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?





... Ilene

What do you call an armless, legless man lying on your floor?

Mat.

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip
that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost $799 to $999 depending on speaker size

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because
women have always complained about men staring at their
breasts and not listening to them.

*insert groan here*

Microsoft announced a business deal with McDonalds to create a pocket sized computer. They know that anything is pocket sized if your ass is big enough.

There once was a poor man. In a stroke of luck, he won the lottery and became a millionaire. The first thing he decided he would do with his newfound fortune was build himself a beautiful new home. However, the man, having lived in poverty for most of his life, had grown very stingy with his money; because of this, he sat down and spent weeks calculating how much money it would cost him for the exact amount of building materials - down to the last nail.

After almost month, the day came around to build the home. The workers arrived and everything went underway as planned. The house was complete and it was exactly how the man had imagined it. As the man stood in the street and admired his new home, he noticed a sole brick lying in the dirt in front of the house. He was infuriated that the amount of time he put into calculating everything was done in vain. In his frustration he threw the brick into the air and it never came back.

I don't get it.

Yeah that last one sucked.

anti-humor

Yeah, life sucks. You never get out of it alive...

hokay...

so i was driving home the other day when i say a policeperson on a bike behind me, signalling me to pul over, so i did.
off the bike hops this baheemoth policeman, who proceeds to my vehicle window and asks me to wind it down. so I do.
"Is this vehicle licensed" he ask's
"yeah mate," i reply "wadda ya want, i got scotch, whiskey, beer... the lot."
he did not think very funny of my mischievious wise-crack so, he replies
"oh! A smart ass eh'? Well ill have you kow anything you say can and will be help against you!"
so i replied...


"Tits!"

Originally Posted by The_one_920

hokay...

so i was driving home the other day when i say a policeperson on a bike behind me, signalling me to pul over, so i did.
off the bike hops this baheemoth policeman, who proceeds to my vehicle window and asks me to wind it down. so I do.
"Is this vehicle licensed" he ask's
"yeah mate," i reply "wadda ya want, i got scotch, whiskey, beer... the lot."
he did not think very funny of my mischievious wise-crack so, he replies
"oh! A smart ass eh'? Well ill have you kow anything you say can and will be held against you!"
so i replied...


"Tits!"

Fixed. it's funnier that way.