You imply she is dark-skinned, but then call her pale |
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Oh dark mistress I've been watching you. |
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You imply she is dark-skinned, but then call her pale |
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"do what you wish"
Black is unnecessarily capitalized, and there's an error in pluralization ("our life means" should be "our lives mean" or "your/my life means"). Both of those errors, however, could easily be covered by poetic license. |
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Abraxas
Originally Posted by OldSparta
The darkest night wouldn't have moonlight |
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Dickenson used to capitalize certain words in her poems, so I don't think that's 'wrong'. I knew another author who always capitalized the word 'Cold' because it had a particular significance to him; it was practically a proper noun. And I don't think 'dark mistress' implies that her skin is dark. This is a poem, it could imply her emotions, behaviors, the way she talks, subject matter etc. Or maybe it just refers to the dress which is, afterall, black. |
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I meant "life" as in existence. |
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In that first post, I was just messing with you. But now for some more serious criticism. This line is a little awkward, but easily fixed: |
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Abraxas
Originally Posted by OldSparta
Practical english wise? I'm sure other people have already pointed out grammar and puncuation errors. But overall, I feel like the poem really lacks.. anything. I mean, I understand you're talking about someone, but is there really any reason you call her "Dark mistress"? There's a whole lot of fillers, and the poem really lacks meaning. |
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You do this every fucking time.
No sweat.
No tears.
No guilt.
You do this every fucking time.
http://www.myspace.com/theheroicopening
The biggest thing for me is that there's no meter. I don't know if you intended it that way and just wanted to do a free-form poem, but it just looks like a poem that should be following a patern but isn't, especially since you have rhyming couplets. That sort of confusion makes it difficult to read smoothly, so I would advise that you either make the fact that it's free-form more obvious (extending some lines, shortening others; your choice, just enjoy it), or try to follow a pattern. |
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"If there was one thing the lucid dreaming ninja writer could not stand, it was used car salesmen."
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