Thread: Post the best joke you can think of off the top of your head.

Some of these are kind of lousy, but...

What has two heads and six legs?
Nirvana.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do," is the longest sentence?

What's the problem with 4 _____(replace with specific group of your choice) driving over a cliff in a Cadillac?
A Cadillac could easily fit seven.

Why did the redneck cross the road?
Because he coundn't get his dick out of the chicken.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.


That's all for now.

Whats the difference between 10 dead babies, and a cadillac?
I dont have a cadillac in my backyard.

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

joke about religion


ask in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills up first.

Q: What did Tennessee?
A: The same thing Arkansas..

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in LA?
A: They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin..

..and then there was the atheist octopus who didn't believe in Cod..

DooB goes down the pub with a crocodile, and proceeds to open the croc's jaws, whip out his todge, and place the full length of his manhood into the croc's mouth. He closes the croc's jaws tight, and proceeds to hit the croc really hard over the head with a wooden mallet. He prises open the croc's jaws, and retrieves his undamaged manhood.

He turns to the assembled throng and says: "I bet nobody here would try that!"

CloD puts up a tentative hand, and says: "I'll have a go...but on one condition.."

"Yes?" replies DooB. "What's that?"

"Well.." replies CloD. "Don't hit me so hard over the head with the mallet.."

A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates.

The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected.

He queries the first candidate:"What was your annual salary, and what was your profession?

"I made $150,000 as an Attorney," comes the reply.

"You may enter," says the Angel.

Second candidate, same question. "I made $95,000, I was a realtor." He is also permitted to enter.

"My annual salary was $25," said the third man.

"Cool!" replies the Angel, "and what version of vBulletin did you use in your lucid dream website?"

Originally Posted by Mysteryhunter

A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates.

The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected.

He queries the first candidate:"What was your annual salary, and what was your profession?

"I made $150,000 as an Attorney," comes the reply.

"You may enter," says the Angel.

Second candidate, same question. "I made $95,000, I was a realtor." He is also permitted to enter.

"My annual salary was $25," said the third man.

"Cool!" replies the Angel, "and what version of vBulletin did you use in your lucid dream website?"

Oh.

Oh Yes.

This one is a bit mean, but what good joke isn't?

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away from her?


He didn't like being called, "DAHUISGNSFYU!"

Originally Posted by Oneiro

Q: What did Tennessee?
A: The same thing Arkansas..

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in LA?
A: They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin..

..and then there was the atheist octopus who didn't believe in Cod..

DooB goes down the pub with a crocodile, and proceeds to open the croc's jaws, whip out his todge, and place the full length of his manhood into the croc's mouth. He closes the croc's jaws tight, and proceeds to hit the croc really hard over the head with a wooden mallet. He prises open the croc's jaws, and retrieves his undamaged manhood.

He turns to the assembled throng and says: "I bet nobody here would try that!"

CloD puts up a tentative hand, and says: "I'll have a go...but on one condition.."

"Yes?" replies DooB. "What's that?"

"Well.." replies CloD. "Don't hit me so hard over the head with the mallet.."

LLLLLLLLUUUUULLLLLLL
CloD sounds secksy

These are absolutely terrible, and quite sexist but in the spirit of Helen Keller Jokes:

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she can moan with the other.

and:

Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver?
She was a woman.


I apologize sincerely

Originally Posted by Demon Parasite

A pretzel walks down the street and gets assaulted.

Originally Posted by Venomblood

You got it all wrong, it's a "peanut".

Originally Posted by no-name

A pretzel walks down the street and gets a peanut.

Originally Posted by RooJ

Why do women fake orgasm?






Because they think we care.



...Sorry.

LMAO!

hehe
okay...

knock knock,
who's there?
lean a
lean a who?
lean a little closer and me tell u!! hehe

my nephew's favorite joke!!!!

Did you know that 5 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions?

I know it's lame but I can't think of any good ones like you guys.

There's 10 types of people. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

Originally Posted by Amethyst Star

There's 10 types of people. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

Love that one
Similarly; There are two kinds of people in this world, those who think there are two types of people, and those that do not.

Originally Posted by capoopy

Whats the difference between 10 dead babies, and a cadillac?
I dont have a cadillac in my backyard.

What is funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby in a clown suit.


What is funnier than a dead baby in a clown suit?

Nothing.


Why didn't Superman stop the 9/11 attacks?

He was paralyzed.

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking.

Now for the less innapropriate:

How do you get Pikachu on a bus?

You poke em' on!

What does DNA stand for?


National Dyslexic Association.




Zzzz...

More of those ones.


A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Did you hear about the dyslexic philosopher?
He lay awake at night wondering if there was a dog.

Ever hear of the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.

Sorry to all the Dyslexics out there, I'm slightly dyslexic myself.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!

Once I was faxing my resumes to jobs and I didn't have enough money. A lady gave me $5 and said "Good Karma goes along way you know" and I said "No shit, how do you think I got this $5?"

Men and women...

Code:

$> man woman
$> segmentation fault (core dumped)

i dont get it. aww. let me know!

a sea cucumber walks up to an anemone and says with fronds like theses who needs anemones!


finding nemo)

okay, i read this one somewhere and i thought it was pretty funny...

there was a blond, a red-head and a brunette. they were driving down an interstate when their car died on them. they didn't know what to do and it was very late at night so they decided to walk. an hour after walking they gfind a barn and go inside to sleep. then they hear a farmer yell 'hey who is in my barn!!!!" they get really scared so they all hide. the blonde hides with the potatoes, the red-head hides with the pigs and the brunette with the cows. the farmer walks to where the cows are. he says, who is in here? the brunette responds by saying 'mooooo'. the farmer then walks over to where the pigs are. he says again, who is in here? the red-head replies "oink oink.' then the farmer walks to where the sacks of potatoes are, he says, who is there. the blonde replies, "poootaaatoooe"

hehe.

What women mean . . .
"Yes" = No

"No" = Yes

"Maybe" = No

"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry

"We need" = I want

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now

"Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to

"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

"We need to talk" = I need to complain

"You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?

"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs

"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house

"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep

"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive

"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like

"I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

"Is my butt fat?" = Lie to me

"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me

"Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead]

"Do what you want." = You'll pay for this later



(sadly this is true but I found it funny)