Kiza's Relationship Advice Thread

**slayer** · 06-29-2009 06:02 AM

Someone need my help?

**Catbus** · 06-30-2009 02:31 AM

Kiza, I want to tell someone interested in me that I'm not interested in them in the easiest way possible. How do I do this? This person could be violent, is it taboo to bring a weapon in case things get ugly?

**Black_Eagle** · 06-30-2009 03:09 AM

Which tentacle is for sex?

**[SomeGuy]** · 06-30-2009 03:26 AM

Originally Posted by Black_Eagle

Which tentacle is for sex?

7th.

**Kiza** · 06-30-2009 03:26 AM

Originally Posted by Catbus

Kiza, I want to tell someone interested in me that I'm not interested in them in the easiest way possible. How do I do this? This person could be violent, is it taboo to bring a weapon in case things get ugly?

Well, the easiest way would be murdering them, but that's a bit barbaric, so I've concocted a plan. First, be really nice to them. Ask them out on a date. Get her to completely fall for you. Date her for three, four years, and then, in a nice fancy restuarant, propose to her. She will gush and gush and say "Of course, Catbus!"

This is the signal to throw spaghetti in her hair and flee.

It is not taboo to bring a weapon.

Originally Posted by Black_Eagle

Which tentacle is for sex?

The best one.

**hellohihello** · 06-30-2009 03:34 AM

Will you go out with me?

**panta-rei** · 06-30-2009 03:56 AM

Dear Dr. Kaizer.

I've got this problem... I've been seeing this girl I found in the trailer park. I knew she was the one from the time I saw her throw one of her fifteen siblings into those shitty blue pools. She smiled her near toothless grin, and I could tell that I was in love. I started seeing her a few times, but every time we're about to do something serious, one of her brothers and sisters come into the room. Either them or her motheraunt and fatheruncle. It's hard to find privacy in a two room trailer.

What should I do?

**Kiza** · 06-30-2009 04:09 AM

Originally Posted by hellohihello

Will you go out with me?

No.

Originally Posted by Delphinus

Dear Dr. Kaizer.

I've got this problem... I've been seeing this girl I found in the trailer park. I knew she was the one from the time I saw her throw one of her fifteen siblings into those shitty blue pools. She smiled her near toothless grin, and I could tell that I was in love. I started seeing her a few times, but every time we're about to do something serious, one of her brothers and sisters come into the room. Either them or her motheraunt and fatheruncle. It's hard to find privacy in a two room trailer.

What should I do?

Break their legs.

Break all of their legs.

**DarkLucideity** · 06-30-2009 04:11 AM

Kiza, I got a girl pregnant, but I don't love her, and parents will kill me if they find out. What do I do about the child?

**panta-rei** · 06-30-2009 04:13 AM

Originally Posted by Kiza

Break their legs.

Break all of their legs.

Okay, I did.

Shit. Extreme Makeover Trailer Addition is on their way. What do I do now? I've got a legless girlfriend that's about to meet Ty Pennington.

**Kiza** · 06-30-2009 04:24 AM

Originally Posted by pojmaster17q

Kiza, I got a girl pregnant, but I don't love her, and parents will kill me if they find out. What do I do about the child?

Care for it. Hug it. Cry when it cries. Change it's nappies. Cuddle.

Then throw it in a ditch when it's old enough to walk.

Originally Posted by Delphinus

Okay, I did.

Shit. Extreme Makeover Trailer Addition is on their way. What do I do now? I've got a legless girlfriend that's about to meet Ty Pennington.

I explained this earlier, man.

Crowbar. Legs.

**DarkLucideity** · 06-30-2009 04:37 AM

My parents found out and killed me. I am now a zombie. What do I do?

EDIT: also, what are some good pick-up lines for zombies?

**hellohihello** · 06-30-2009 05:16 AM

Originally Posted by Delphinus

Either them or her motheraunt and fatheruncle.

Does this mean what I think it means?

**Kiza** · 06-30-2009 07:12 AM

Pojmaster, I would recommend either "BRAINSSS" or even the old favourite "BRAINNSS".

**Man of Steel** · 06-30-2009 07:23 AM

I kinda like "Is that your liver, or mine? *wink wink nudge nudge*" and "If I said you had a rotting, reeking corpse, would you hold it against me?" or maybe "Did it hurt? When you fell out of that dumpster."

**CoLd BlooDed** · 06-30-2009 08:02 AM

What should I do about my genital herpes? I don't have a girlfriend but I don't like condoms either.

**panta-rei** · 06-30-2009 03:55 PM

Originally Posted by Kiza

I explained this earlier, man.

Crowbar. Legs.

Okay, now I'm on the run. ABC didn't take kindly to me assaulting some of their stars.

There's a cute girl in the traincar that I'm hiding in. What do I do?

Originally Posted by hellohihello

Does this mean what I think it means?

Yes.

**Kiza** · 07-01-2009 01:46 AM

Originally Posted by CoLd BlooDed

What should I do about my genital herpes? I don't have a girlfriend but I don't like condoms either.

Have sex with all the people. All of them. That way, the ones without the genital herpes will be the weird ones.

Now, how can I have sex with all the people, you ask? Do it hard. Do it fast. That is my advice, and I am sticking by it.

Originally Posted by Delphinus

Okay, now I'm on the run. ABC didn't take kindly to me assaulting some of their stars.

There's a cute girl in the traincar that I'm hiding in. What do I do?

How many times do you need to be told to break legs, man?

**panta-rei** · 07-01-2009 01:51 AM

Aw. I missed my chance. It's okay, though. I just found another girl... She HAS NO LEGS!!!

**Kiza** · 07-01-2009 02:27 AM

Perfect.

**CoLd BlooDed** · 07-01-2009 02:54 AM

Originally Posted by Kiza

Have sex with all the people. All of them. That way, the ones without the genital herpes will be the weird ones.

Now, how can I have sex with all the people, you ask? Do it hard. Do it fast. That is my advice, and I am sticking by it.

I like your style. I'll be back in a month with an update.

**DarkLucideity** · 07-01-2009 03:12 AM

My arm fell off during wild zombie sex. That's not the problem though. I got turned back into a human with cutting edge technology, and the rotting of my flesh has been reversed. Unfortunately, the detachment of my arm has not. What do I do about this?

In addition to that, now that I'm a human again, my zombie girlfriend and I are having communication issues. All she does is try to bite me/eat my brain. I've tried all the things that I've read in books (groaning, shuffling along at a slow pace, fire, etc.) but it doesn't seem to help. She also seems to be hiding something. What do you think this is?

**Kiza** · 07-01-2009 03:58 AM

Your zombie girlfriend is hiding her genital herpes, obviously. My advice keeps running into other advice. This sucks. Those communication issues can be improved with a shotgun, by the way, because everyone knows normal Human/Zombie interaction is by shotgun. She will feel comfortable that way. So just cradle her and your shotgun in your arms when you're having sex.

I would not worry about the arm thing.