Threecat's Dreamtime

I fall asleep with the aid of melatonin (due to being "tired" but not falling under as quickly as I would like. I am in darkness, though I am not lucidly aware of being asleep. I have no body, but I am aware of myself--or aware of whatever is there. I am struck by the sudden realization that I will die--or rather, that this awareness will end-- (though this is not doing the realization credit). I attempt to verbalize this realization several times in thought: I am going to die. Not satisfying. I am dying. That is also not "it." I am already dead. Closer, but still not it. My words are unable to grasp the fundamental reality of the matter. I wake up a few moments later; I have been asleep for approximately five or ten minutes.

This morning I visited the doctor to get some blood taken. During the drawing process, I lost consciousness. The time in between was basically lost--I do not have any real solid feeling of "being" anywhere, except some flitting images or colors that my mind was attempting to process. I couldn't even really claim to have had a "self" at this point--basically just a feeling of confusion and bewilderment. In retrospect, I imagine this is what animals must feel like at times, and it was highly . . . disconcerting.

As I began to come out of it, in darkness, I had the distinct feeling of being in both a sitting position and a lying position, and it became crucial to me to understand which of these my body was currently in. Once I was revived (eyes open and conscious) I still did not recognize any of the people there (my doctor and two nurses) or where I was until my doctor explained what had happened. I tried to explain my confusion: "I didn't know where I was!" My doctor very compassionately nodded, as though he understood. Maybe he did. Very unpleasant experience--basically fatigued for the rest of the day with a mild headache.

So here was what came to me: was what I experienced coming out of the state (or within the state? hard to say) an example of what death will "feel" like? If so, I can only say I expect it will be terrible--at least the dying part.