Mydera

Last night was upsetting for me, for several different reasons. The one that will affect this entry the most is the fact that while I could recall several fragments when I woke up, I didn't take notes right away and choose instead to go to the bathroom first. In the five minutes it took me to get back in bed, I had forgotten all but one. I'm truly sure the reason the one dream stuck with me was because it was so upsetting to me.

Dream: The begging of the dream I'm in a school of some sort, as part of a class. The teacher is very upset with a student, and decides we're going to take a class trip to that students parents house so she can speak to the student in question. The students house turns out to be across the street and it's actually a thrift shop that my mom took me to recently. Now's where the dream gets clearer and I figure the meaning of it is probably at. I'm walking through this thrift shop, and I'm struck with two thoughts. The first being that I loved this place the first time I visited it because it's full of all kinds of random stuff and hidden treasures. The second thought it that it's so cluttered the way the booths are set up for individual people rather than having all the merch arranged by what it is. I feel annoyed that I might see books or dvds in twenty different booths rather than seeing them all in the same place. Both are things I thought of when I was at this store the first time in waking life as well (I've never been to a consignment shop like that before, lol) Then I feel a mental tugging to my left, and I feel like I should go that way. Part of me is worried about breaking from the group and getting in trouble like the student who's parents we came to see, but then part of me is intensely curious. When I think of the student in trouble, I feel very repulsed and hateful towards them. I feel like being in trouble makes them lesser people, and even go as far as to think of them being trash and that I don't want to be associated with someone like that and I don't want to get in trouble and have people think that way about me. But then that tugging is familiar, there's always a reason for that mental tugging "Go this way" feeling and I hate to ignore it because I know whatever it is will be worth it. I look towards that direction, and see nothing, but then I look back at the class that's starting to walk off, and I decide my curiosity is getting the best of me and I need to go that way. I start walking the direction of the pull, and I see a door. I don't know why I go through it, but I do. I step through the door to the outside, and then the is quickly shut behind me, and I look up to see a guy who's taller than me but what else he looked like I can't remember now. My knees get weak and I find myself half falling half sitting quickly on the ground leaning against the door. I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness. I suddenly realize how horrible I had been to think badly of the person who was in trouble, even though I didn't even know why they were in trouble or even if the teacher really had a right to be angry. I realize that I was just behaving how the group was because I was in the group, and how I had almost let being part of the group keep me from following my own path to this door. The guy kneels down by me, He stays to my left side, but wraps his arms around me and holds me against his chest. I think I started crying, but I was trying not to so it wasn't huge sobs, but just tears leaking out of my eyes. The guy tells me that the student who was in trouble was Shane's sibling, and that the parent the teacher was looking for was Shane's mom. If I wasn't crying before, I was then.

((Not part of the dream, but important to the meaning I'm sure. Shane was my best guy friend in high school. He was one of those people who would do anything to make you happy. The first time I met him, he just walked up to me at my locker one day when I was having a horrible day, and he says, "Look what I can do!" Then bashed his head HARD against my locker, laughed, and walked off. I'm sure it hurt, but it just made me feel so much happier, knowing that someone I didn't know noticed I was having a bad day and went to so much trouble to make me laugh. I noticed that he'd do it to other people too, but where as I smiled and appreciated the effort to make me smile, most people got disgusted looks on their faces or just ignored him completely. Eventually he moved on to grabbing me in the hallway for random hugs and messing up my hair. We didn't interact much in person except for those random moments, but we talked online for hours. It wasn't like flirting, he had a girl friend he'd been with for four years and was hopelessly in love with her which ultimately lead to his death in my senior year.He was like the older NICE brother I never had. Then when his girlfriend left him for another guy, he sped off to change her mind. He took a turn way too fast and now he's gone.))

Back to the dream, I felt even worse knowing I had let the "group mind" control the way I was treating someone, especially when I realized that the student in trouble was probably in trouble for being misunderstood rather than having actually done anything to hurt anyone. Shane was often in trouble, but all the things I saw him get in trouble for were things that he did to make others smile, he never hurt anyone. I start to say I didn't know and I wish I'd done something instead of going along with everyone else. The guy tells me it's ok, that this isn't really the students home anyways. He tells me that's ok, and I got away so everything will be ok now. Then he tells me we need to leave, and I notice my kids are there. They've been standing quietly by the wall the whole time and I was so self absorbed thinking about how horrible I was that I didn't even notice. This makes me feel bad again, but I decide to just push it aside because I can't change that I didn't notice them, what I can change is if I continue to ignore them or if I step out of my self absorption and give them the attention they deserve. The guy takes my son's hand, and starts hurrying across the street behind the store. I pick up my daughter and follow him. When we get to the sidewalk on the other side of the street, I set my daughter down, and the guy tells me that he has to go the other way to take care of something else, but not to worry, he'll meet up with me again later. I seem to understand that I need to take the kids somewhere safe where they won't be effected by the group mind like I was, and start to take them to the left. My son gets upset and starts crying, he wants to go right with the guy. He jerks his hand out of mine, and runs back towards the guy. I pick up my daughter and run after him. He's crying into the guys legs, and I wake up.

I'm feeling a combination of depressed and useless right now. I feel like I should be doing something, like I'm supposed to be doing something, but I can't figure out what. Anxiety I guess is the right word. Like I'm wasting my time and not doing what I'm supposed to be... but I don't even know what it is I'm supposed to be doing! Also missing Shane right now, and looking at myself trying to figure out how much of "me" is really ME and how much is just me going along with others. This is one of those dreams that has a HUGE impact on my waking life as well.