I know that ever telling myself one thing is a lie, I appreciate both of your concern. I also accept the responsibility for my actions and realize that sometimes things are not totally in my control, and when it is my time to die, I will die, and when it is time to go, I will move on without a second thought. Perhaps because no thoughts exist afterward, who really knows, right? I have an extremely addictive personality and have had all my life, and am just now learning to control it by, rather than saying fuck moderation, embrace it so heavily and intensely that it's not really moderate at all.