Thread: What keeps you alive?

Originally Posted by Ginsan

Somehow, women often have more interesting things to say than men I don't think my friends take me for granted, maybe they do but I don't know. I was broke and so was my phone a few weeks ago and my friend gave me his old phone. It's a great phone, it was probably over 100 euro's when he bought it, it feels like new except for tiny scratches on the screen and it's a big upgrade from my old crappy phone. My parents wanted me to pay him and I said no, because that would be condescending. If I were in his position I wouldn't want money for it so why should he not be capable of the same generosity? It's just a little gesture and it can't justify a friendship, but it's still a gesture. Another guy, the times we were in the same class we laughed so hard our bellies hurt. Every single day we had fun and every day my jaws would hurt because I smiled so much. I often think that I got my sense of humor from laughing so much with him during the years, about the silliest things. They and their girlfriends and me are like a group. Even though we only got together a few times. They once gave me a surprise birthday visit with the 4 of them. The whole day I couldn't wipe the grin off my face. But I miss them, it hurts to always be alone and only see them once a month. But what can I do? They seem to be working hard for their schools, unlike me. I honestly believe they are very busy, but it's still annoying. I also believe we could get together just a little more often. I'm also a bit worried that one day we will completely lose contact. We will all have our little lives going.

So why not kill myself? I still don't know. Maybe I will find out if I meditate some more, play some more violin, learn some more physics, or meet up with my friends again. I've been like this for the last 3.5 years now. You know how much it hurts to be pretty much alone for 3 years? It sucks, you know. As you can see, it even gives a careless, jolly, forward looking guy like me suicidal thoughts. I'm becoming a darker and darker person and I hate it. I don't really believe it but one day I might really lose my sense of humor.

edit: I don't take a person's company lightly, I'm just not sure if you can rely on it. It seems to me that no matter you well you get along, when life splits your paths, your paths are split. I'm immature but this is the way I see it.

All those memories you have of your friends sound wonderful. Perhaps you should ask if you can meet up more. I think all the things you listed that you would do is great. But why do you say they are working hard for their schools and you aren't? I know how it feels since I haven't had a real friend for like 4 years now. However, I did start college last year and now that I have a part time job I'm not as lonely as I was before. But years ago I've been through those really dark moments that scare me too. It was like I was at constant war with myself. So much anxiety. I needed to speak to people i trusted about it. And when I was really afraid once I quickly hurried out the house and took a walk just to keep myself away from the bad thoughts. Honestly, I even had a fear of looking at knives for a time. Since I knew i was scared/depressed but did not want to kill myself. Watching the news about suicide victims was not helpful either. It was hard. But many things helped me get through it even though i did not have that friend i really wanted the most.

I'm glad that you don't take it lightly and that you have experienced many good things having friends. Although life does split people's paths with each other there can be a time when you will meet. Perhaps the best thing to do when that arises is to make new friendships and to try to keep in contact with the others. ^^

And you are right, I did see your words as ignorant and simple minded. Your conclusions don't have any meaning to me.

Well,if that's what you see there is no point in talking to you than. My words may have seemed ignorant but you should have taken into consideration how others feel about the matter as you read. The word ignorant is rather offensive to me. Although I have wondered what others may have thought of my point of view before. Now that I see your bitter comment about it being ignorant I'm somewhat satisfied.