Thread: The funniest joke you've ever heard

Originally posted by Ynot

lol
you're a good sport, mate
I'd gladly buy you a pint

Thanks!, O' nice theme tune...

Originally posted by Awaken4e1
O' nice theme tune...

haha
something I knocked up for my new mix-tape

Slam'n

back at'cha, blud

Originally posted by Ynot
back at'cha, blud

I feel'ya!

O Fa-Show

There's a Mexican, a bum, and a gay man who can't act gay. they each get one wish then poof away

the mexican wishes for a burrito then poofs away
then the bum wishes for a dollar but it fell to the ground so just as the bum bended down to get it he poofed away and so did the gay guy

Q. What's green, slimy and smells like bacon?


A. Kermit the Frog's tongue

Hey, Ophelia you reminded me of one:

How do you eat a frog?

Put one leg over each ear.

Since I am just now popping in, I will make up some ground by saying a few... Some are pretty twisted, so don't take them too seriously.

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

How do you make a dead old lady float?
One scoop of ice cream, one scoop of dead old lady.

What's the most difficult thing about eating vegetables?
Getting them out of their wheelchairs.

Why did Helen Keller's dog jump off the cliff?
You would too if your name was ahgyerghofhgaikcfha.

What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown suit.

What's funnier than a dead baby in a clown suit?
Nothing.

What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered women's shelter?
The dishes, if the bitch knows what's good for her.

Why didn't Superman stop the 9/11 attacks?
He was paralyzed.

How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

Why are 1,000,000 women beaten in the United States each year?
Because they just can't get it through their heads!!!

Okay, I'll stop there. I know some really warped sexual ones, but the policy page said not to post sexual stuff.

Originally posted by Universal Mind
How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

HAHA!

Okay, I'll stop there. I know some really warped sexual ones, but the policy page said not to post sexual stuff. [/b]

It's ok, as long as they are not TOO too graphic

aka if it's more disgusting than something InTheMoment would say, then it might be a touch too racy

Originally posted by s00p
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
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Because she's a woman.



Written jokes suck. I always read the punchline before the joke. And still laugh, my mind is just that stupid.

How do you get back at Helen Keller?



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Leave the plunger in the toilet.

Originally posted by OpheliaBlue

It's ok, as long as they are not TOO too graphic

aka if it's more disgusting than something InTheMoment would say, then it might be a touch too racy

Okay, here's a go at it...

What is the worst part about having sex with a nine year old?
Getting blood on your clown suit.

What do you call the useless piece of flesh surrounding a vagina?
A woman.

Why do rednecks do it doggy style?
So they can both watch wrestling.

A doctor says to a man, "Your wife was in a terrible car wreck. She is paralyzed from the neck down, she is barely able to talk, she has to be spoon fed, and you will have to change her diapers and handle all of her hygeine." Then the doctor says, "I'm just kidding. She's dead."

well... the best joke i have ever heard is:

Originally posted by Universal Mind

What do you call the useless piece of flesh surrounding a vagina?


A woman.

:bravo:







and does anyone know what this is supposed to be??? ---> :mandel:
???????????????????????????????????????

Originally posted by CryoDragoon
and does anyone know what this is supposed to be??? ---> :mandel:
???????????????????????????????????????

it's a fractal


here CD, this joke is for you:
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Cryo, I 'preshadit!

Originally posted by OpheliaBlue

it's a fractal


here CD, this joke is for you:
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Excellent! That reminds me of a similar one, the one that I knew was escaping me in my last two posts...

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.

You know any male bashing jokes?

Originally posted by Universal Mind
Cryo, I 'preshadit!

you too, (read as: wtf is that supposed to be?)




triple lol!!!

Originally posted by OpheliaBlue

it's a fractal.

which means it's made up of small parts that are exactly the same shape as the whole thing

neway time fer somtin funneh

got this from www.unsolvedmysteries.com
Can the English language survive? The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country." - George W. Bush

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - George W. Bush

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'" - George W. Bush

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." - George W.Bush "The future will be better tomorrow." - George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." - George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." - George W. Bush

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

- George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy." - George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." - George W. Bush "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." - George W. Bush

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

- George W. Bush

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

- George W. Bush



"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."



- George W. Bush



"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."

- George W. Bush

Originally posted by Universal Mind
Why didn't Superman stop the 9/11 attacks?
He was paralyzed.

Thank you that one just made my night.

Originally posted by OpheliaBlue

it's a fractal

More specifically, a classic from the Mandelbrot Set.

More specifically yet:

z -> z^2 + c (where -> means iterate and where 'c' is any complex number)

It's chaos math at its simplest...

Anyone remember Fractint back in the 80's/early 90's? My whole life for a couple years was about optimizing high precision integer math for several of the complex fractal sets it seems...

LZ >> which means it's made up of small parts that are exactly the same shape as the whole thing

Not really... It depends upon the value of z and how quickly the strange attractors pull it towards infinity or towards zero.

For example, a real number will be immediately draw outside the meso-cosmic dynamics.

Where something like 0.37 +4i will remain stable through twelve iterations.

Mandelbrot was the first to discover that by using zero as the base z for each iteration, and iterating a suitably large number of the total possible complex numbers by utilizing the fantastic speed of a computer (on a trial and error basis), that he could define the set of stable complex numbers graphically by plotting their location on the complex plane.

That is what the Mandelbrot figure is that you posted above: the set of stable complex numbers constrained to some value of c for z number of iterations plotted graphically along the complex number plane.

Originally posted by kimpossible
It's chaos math at its simplest...

Oh yeaaaaah, the chaos thingy

I remember my dad trying to explain it to me

You can try walking through it by hand with what I posted above. It's easier than Algebra II.

It's simple and fun!

It's really just

Start with z(0,0)
z(new-value) = z(old-value) ^2 + some complex number.


On a piece of graph paper, imagine the x-axis and the y-axis

So a point on the x-axis would be (2,0) and a point on the y-axis would be (0,2) and a point in the lower left would be (-2-,2).

(The second number is actually multiplied by i, aka the square root of minus 1)

Start with the point (2,0) on the x axis. The second number is multiplied by i, so this number is 2+ 0i= 2. In the Mandelbrot set, the z is set at the beginning and the point is going to be at the c value.

For z=0 and c=a dot=(2,0)

z= 0^2 +2= 2

Then you put the 2 in for the old z and get a new new z-

this is the part where we iterate... Ready? ITERATE!

z= 2^2 +2=6

z=6^2+2=38, rinse, lather, repeat

Try another point: (-0.2,0.2)

z=0^2 + (-0.2 +0.2i)= -0.2 + 0.2i

z=(-0.2 + 0.2i)^2 +(-0.2 +0.2i)

Rinse, lather, repeat.

See? Easier than falling off a log(arithm)!

I used to play around with a fractal program on my PowerMac 7100/66. Just pushing some buttons and saying, "calculate me a fractal... with colors!" and coming back in an hour, to see it half done... :/ But when it was done I could zoom in on it all over the place!

The following is a scan from a page of Roger Penrose's book, Road to Reality. It's the Mandelbrot set at 4 different levels of magnification. It's just that one simple expression Kim mentioned, but it creates such an elaborate and finely detailed picture. Keep zooming in and you find new and crazy structures all over the place, forever.

I used to think, "no big deal, it's just a bunch of self-similar jagged lines, made by a computer," but then I realized that it's only possible to draw it after taking the square root of -1. Then it looked wicked. Someone exorcise this vile excrescence!

Penrose uses it to illustrate the objectivity of mathematics - no human being invented or created the Mandelbrot set. It is drawn the same way no matter who or what draws it or who discovers it.

Click on the image for a larger version.



I'm trying to think of some good Mandelbrot jokes, but I think it's going to take a few iterations. Anyone want to split this into a new thread?

that's really cool

makes me think of limbo

"how looooow can ya go...how looooow can ya go!"