Thread: My experiences over the last 5 years (Long post).

Hi all. What follows will be a long post. I stumbled upon the community about 5 years ago and since then my dreams have morphed and changed a lot. My understanding of my dreams have also taken on a deeper meaning and I, though not always, am able to decipher my sub-conscious and symbolism from dreams. I want to, in a certain sense, log my experience of the past few years. There might be some educational information in here, possible insight and/or answers to questions before they are even raised. I am by no means an expert in dreaming and/or lucid dreams, and everything written below is my own subjective experience. I have however, had my fair share of LDs and other dream experiences.

I remember when I had my first few LDs which followed after I joined the forum. I had a a few early classes at University and had to get up at around 6:30am. Class finished at 8:30am and between 8:30 to roughly 9:30 I would sit absorbing whatever information interested me on Dreamviews that morning. This hour of exposure and focused attention on Lucid Dreaming and everything surrounding it primed my mind for having my own LDs. At 9:30 I would go back to bed, and between then and roughly 11:00 for a few weeks on end, I would waste mornings away exploring my inner-world. I remember getting into bed (my room was a cave, completely dark) and at some stage "waking up". I would pinch my nose closed and try and try and breathe through it. If I could breathe through a pinched nose, I knew I was dreaming (called a reality check?). For me to get at the point where I would "reality-check" in a dream I had to consciously do it EVERY SINGLE TIME I THOUGHT ABOUT IT IN WAKING LIFE. I would pinch my nose and try to breathe, every single time that thought arose. Eventually that behavior carried over into my dreams (I believe this reality check is any easy way to start having LDs within a few days/weeks). Those first few LDs I had shook my understanding of dreams, consciousness, reality- everything I thought I knew and understood! I remember becoming Lucid in a room with a wooden desk and various oddities placed around. I would pick up glass bottles and feel their textures. I could smell the old pine, the dust and see specs of dust drifting around in rays of sun illuminating the room. When outside I would always run my hand over moist, prickly grass. God I could smell the grass, smell the cool night air and feel the wind brushing my skin. I remember one specific LD where I was walking up a footpath which lead to a beautiful house overlooking the ocean. It just struck me all of a sudden - I'm dreaming, and with that realization everything transformed into something so much more clear and pure than my waking world (this has always been the case with 100% lucid dreams- at the moment of realization everything becomes sharper, more detailed, more intense, it's like Blueray for lack of a better description). The sunlight glimmered over the ocean. A cool breeze lazily swayed the leaves of a palm tree, I could feel the breeze caressing my face and smell the sea carried on it.

I also found that when I was hungover, the following morning I would always have Lucid Dreams. For some reason alcohol helped me induce LDs quite regularly. I remember being out the whole night drinking and eventually waking up in my bed. I would "hook" my consciousness/awareness onto the sound of the fan whirring overhead in the room, allowing my body to fall asleep but my mind to stay awake. Let's call this anchoring. I struggle with anchoring when I am sober but at times, when waking up in the middle of the night, sometimes it's as if my consciousness/awareness anchors itself onto the tiniest little spec of nothing in my mind; like holding onto a string (it literally feels like my mind is holding onto a piece of string). If I can hold onto the string long enough and follow it through the darkness, it eventually leads to an opening in the darkness, which leads to a dreamscape. I also struggle with WILDs and haven't been able to induce SP over the last 5 years. I've woken up to being in SP a handful of times but they usually result in intense fear and waking up. In my LDs, the easiest way to "summon" a person is to call out their name and imagine that they are somewhere in the house (or garden, or mall, etc) and to KNOW that they will respond. What also works is to ask the nearest DC to tell you where "said person" is (NOTE: When asking DCs/Calling names, my intention is such that I KNOW they will respond. I force them into existence). I have summoned mostly everyone I have ever tried expect God/Jesus, Satan, MYSELF (Sub-conscious projection of myself). In some of my LDs I have asked DCs to give me ideas for books, ideas for solutions/answers to problems in my life, etc. It is important to remember that everything in your dream, is a projection of YOUR MIND (though I feel that word "mind" does not convey the gravity of our dreamscapes). Me talking to a DC is in actuality me conversing with parts of my unconscious and/or conscious (Try and remember this in an LD- it will help keep the dream on track; remind yourself consistently that it is a dream and not real). I have found that the easiest way to lose lucidity is to listen to DCS- they usually have "alterior motives" and when they start 'leading' dreams, I lose lucidity and control. Don't tell them "this is just a dream", those fuckers will convince you otherwise!

To understand what I'm about to explain, let me just add some personal information. When I started with Lucid Dreaming, I started experimenting with drugs aswell. Long story short, weed led to coke led to lsd led to addiction, led to me being sober for two years now. I have cut all ties with friends from my past and have basically started life anew. My dreams these days (since I started with recovery) are infested with projections of my old friends. In my dreams I am "lucid" (I know I'm dreaming, but I am in no means in control of the dream and the dream follows the usual course of a non-lucid dream) and my friends are "real" (we are "dream-sharing"). I will continuously tell them "guys this is a dream, let's do this, or that" etc. I believe these dreams are the result of loneliness and missing my old friends and a means for my sub-conscious/conscious to reconcile the loss/grief. I haven't been able to move past these dreams. Every night I am haunted by old friends' projections and that I believe they are sharing my dreams (thus in actuality crossing that gap between my cutting them out of my life, yet longing to see and hear from them). [If anyone has any advice on how I can heal this part of my "mind" (yet again not the right word) and move one, I would be grateful]. Another frustrating point is that in these dreams, I usually tell my friends that we can lucid dream together and then, in the dream, I fall asleep and go into another dream (Inception- dreaming in my dreams). This just creates chaos for my dreams and it's been keeping me stagnant in my dreamworld for a long time. I am stuck in a dream, within a dream, where within I believe I am lucid and my friends are really there. (Lol, if this doesn't make sense I am sorry, I cannot explain it differently). As I'm typing here tears well up in my eyes. I have gone through immense grief because of the aforementioned and the one place that has allowed my introverted, reserved and at times "limited" self to soar free is infested with old memories, old friends. I honestly avoid sleeping these days because of this. The thought of going to bed is accompanied by despair because I know what I will dream about. And I know I cannot control it (any advice?)

As stated earlier, DCS will ALWAYS try and divert my awareness away from lucidity. I have found that at times they can become hostile and invoke fear, leading to me waking myself up. (Does anyone have an explanation for this "firewall" in our dreams; why (in my experience) is it that our minds try and subvert our attention from what lies within the unconscious. Why is it afraid/reluctant to allow us into this place?). What I haven't been able to do is change dreamscapes (closing my eyes and spinning, visualizing, etc.) I find that when I close my eyes in a Lucid Dream, everything goes black and I cannot conjure another dreamscape. Another amazing thing is the music that my mind creates (I love music, sing and play guitar). I don't have to be lucid to hear it, it happens right before I fall asleep too (you've probably experienced this aswell).

I believe that Lucid Dreams (dreaming in general) can serve as a means to "heal" ourselves. I have had various dreams where I confront people that have harmed/hurt me IRL, which leads to a sense of relief. I have said "good-bye" to people that I couldn't say goodbye to IRL. Working the 12 steps of NA, I have dealt with most of my issues (childhood-trauma/abuse/ resentment) and I know these areas are mostly healed because of the fact that they do not haunt my dreams anymore. I do not swear and scream and cry in my sleep, as I used to (I do still have those old dreams and experience the intense emotions associated with it) but when I wake up, I realise that I have moved past that, and that those emotions are just "intruders" and old parts of an older identity. (Ok I know this contradicts the paragraph just above this one but I'm jumping up and down and editing/adding as I go).

I do want to end with a warning though. The mind is a very powerful thing. At times I have been consumed by my inner-world and Lucid Dreaming, and have avoided real life for the latter. I have opened doors in my mind that, unfortunately, cannot be closed. However attractive your inner-world might be, remember it is just that, your own inner world. You cannot share this place with anyone else! In the end life carries on and we have to deal with whatever it brings across our paths. Even as I'm writing this I feel a sense of loss because of the fact that, firstly, it is truly impossible to convey my experiences to anyone else. And secondly, because I know that this inner world and the escape it presents will always be more attractive than getting out of bed and starting another day.