The Idiot's Guide to being a Successful Guru

[Dannon Oneironaut]

How To Be A Successful Guru If you want to be a successful Guru you will need to think about what name you should adopt. Your name should express your particular style and be memorable. Also think about what kind of disciples you want to gather around you. If you pick a Hindu name, for example, you will attract people who are attracted to anything different and exotic. You could have the title "swami" in front of your name; that is exotic enough and it implies that you have been iniated by a strange Guru and mastered many esoteric practices that seekers find fascinating. Examples are: Ram Das, Bhagwan Das, and Gangaji. Or if you want to portray yourself as just a normal guy who happens to be smart or wise enough to have miracuously "got it", or if you are just too nerdy looking to have an exotic name you can keep your ordinary name. Some examples of this type of guru are: Andrew Cohen and Ken Wilber. Or if you aren't satisfied until you create your very own religion with you as God, you can just make up nonsense words for your name. Franklin Jones comes to mind, who changed his name many times to Bubba Free John, to The Da Avatar, Then Adi Da, and more. If you aren't satisfied with your name it is totally acceptable to change it as many times as you see fit. Feel free to change it whenever the mood strikes you. Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh went through a phase of changing his name many times until he settled on "Osho". No matter what name you choose, make sure you feel comfortable with it and that it fits you and how you want to portray yourself to your flock. Now it is time to cultivate your "charisma". What is charisma? It is that special 'something' that all great leaders have. It is a kind of fascination that they are able to project that magnetically attracts weak-minded people. You are all probably familiar with charismatic people who got a huge following via the power of their personality. Have you heard of Barack Obama? So how do you cultivate your charisma? There are many methods; yoga, qui gong, and hypnosis to name a few. But an easy way to get started is to sit in a comfortable chair in front of a mirror. Place the mirror slightly below you so that it is pointing up at you. Now try breathing slowly and smoothly as you pretend to gaze around at your adoring followers. Smile, but don't smile TOO much. Remember the point is to appear immersed in a transendental state of bliss. You want to appear as if this world is just a distraction to you, and that you are only concerned with it because you are SO compassionate for these pitiful humans. But you also need to look like that so great is your bliss, that no matter what happens you will always have a slight smile on your face. Even if someone is insulting you, or beating you, at no cost must that smug smile ever leave your face. But a smile isn't anything if you don't know how to use your eyes. Practice looking into your mirror. Gaze into your eyes and pretend that you are Jesus or Buddha or whomever you aspire to be like. How would Jesus gaze? What does the Buddha's eyes look like when he is looking at you? Don't be discouraged if it is hard at first, just keep practicing and eventual you will get the 'knack' of it. Remember: practice makes perfect! It also helps to meditate regularly in order to have some actual experience of a calm peaceful mind, but it isn't necessary to meditate to decieve people if you don't have the patience for it. Look at L Ron Hubbard! I don't think he meditated a day in his life but now even after his death he has a huge cult with many Hollywood stars in it. It just goes to show that with a little ingenuity anybody can become a successful guru! Once you have your Guru name and you are pretty confident in your ability to appear enlightened in all situations, people will start approaching you asking for teachings and blessings. To be prepared for this it is important to have a strong idea of what your teachings will be. Before we go any further it is essential for you to understand one very important point that makes the Guru business the best business to be in. You must remember that what you are selling is invisible, intangible, unmeasurable, and may not really exist in the first place. But the greatest thing is that nobody can prove that it does or doesn't exist! However there are many disclaimers and conditions that you should make just to protect yourself. For instance, if you are selling enlightenment and someone feels that you didn't deliver, you can say something like "You are not progressing because your faith is not complete. Only with complete and absolute faith in me will you progress upon the path." Do you see how clever this is and how it relieves you of any responsibility? Now it is on the disciple; they obviously didn't get the goods because they have some doubt in you, and of course everyone is bound to have some doubt; it is human nature. If someone has no doubt, that someone is a complete imbecile. that person will die for you or kill for you. Or you could say something like "I just show the way, it is up to you to walk the path." Again, this relieves you of any responsibility so you can just sit back and enjoy your spiritual supremacy. So what are your teachings going to be? The most tried and true teachings is that you are GOD and that all anybody has to do is to love you, serve you, worship you, etc. This is the oldest teaching in the world, and it is really good at attracting morons and idiots to you. And it is good to surround yourself with idiots and morons because they are so willing to give you money or sleep with you. But maybe that is too simple and easy for you. Then you can try a teaching style I like to call "Don't you get it?" An example of this kind of teaching is: "There is nothing to do, nothing to achieve, you are already that which you seek. Just realize what is." This one attracts a different type of disciple. These disciples are usually a little more intelligent than the previous example. They usually take pride in there intelligence. This teaching will challenge them. It will challenge their egos. This teaching will really leave them vulnerable. The biggest benefit of this teaching is that anyone who takes pride in their intelligence (which is almost everybody) will find it hard for their ego to accept that they can't realize something which is so obviously apparent. They most likely won't confront you on your claims of enlightenment because they don't want to appear unintelligent. It is like the old story "The Emperors New Clothes". This one is real good for a laugh if you are the Guru. And they will think that you are laughing with them! Also the idea that they are already perfectly enlightened and that there is nothing to do really appeals to their egos. So now they can just go on with their lives driving their mini-vans and eating at The Olive Garden being eternally grateful for you letting them not change anything. This teaching is like a diet that promises that you will lose weight without changing your diet or exercising. But what if you feel bad exploiting these people who are desperately looking for some meaning in their lives? Try exploiting the genuinely insane people instead by teaching something so outlandish that not even a reasonably free-thinking child will accept it. A teaching I call "I am in contact with enlightened space aliens!" I call it that but you can substitute anything you want for space aliens. But the important thing is that only you are in contact with them so that everyone is dependent on you! But be aware that if this is your style you will get a lot of criticism. Only the craziest of the weak minded people will buy this one. It helps if you are genuinely insane also if this is going to be your teaching. Try this with a friend: 1. Decide on which one of you will be the Guru and which one will be the senior disciple. 2. When the Guru is giving darshan or speaking to a group of seekers the senior disciple starts contorting and rolling on the ground, eyes rolling back in head, and otherwise making a spectacle of himself/herself. 3.Now the Guru should explain that this person is a very advanced disciple and that he/she is coming along very nicely and that this behavior is from the Guru raising the disciple's kundalini. 4. Now watch as more and more people start demonstrating similar behavior. Now you are on your way to being a successful Guru!

[Catbus]

I didn't read any of that.

[Dannon Oneironaut]

I didn't read any of that. Then why bother commenting?

[Man of Shred]

Add phrases like. "Never mind if the horse is blind, Keep loading the Wagon". and "Wet birds don't fly at night." These phrases don't mean anything but they seem to give people hope.

[Dannon Oneironaut]

Sounds good. I like the one about the horse. That is a good one because it almost sounds like it means something that it almost gives me hope! It also arouses my curiosity to try to figure it out, thus hooking my attention. Thanks.

[Universal Mind]

That is hilarious. You should publish that article. The title of this thread is one of the funniest I have ever seen here. To really skyrocket as a guru, get a popular music group to go meditate with you in India or some other exotic place. Maharishi Mahesh Yogi hit the jackpot by getting the Beatles, Donovan, some of the Beach Boys, and some famous actresses to go to India on a meditation retreat. He achieved that success even though John Lennon and Paul McCartney soon afterwards publicly said he is a crock of shit and Lennon wrote the song "Sexy Sadie" to totally mock him. Maharishi still became a zillionaire and had a university named after him because he pulled that retreat and started charging people hundreds of dollars for the knowledge of how to repeat a meaningless word.

[Dannon Oneironaut]

I will get Richard Gere and Sean Penn and Madonna to follow me! Thanks for the tip! Maybe Hariprasad Chaurasia as well.

[Jesus of Suburbia]

I didn't read any of that. Seconded.

[Dannon Oneironaut]

You guys are funny! Are you taking me seriously? I'm sure not!

[MementoMori]

you're laughing now Dannon but sometime in the future you'll get a letter about how someone read this used it and he/she is now a multi-millionaire.... lol

[Dannon Oneironaut]

Well, hopefully they will acknowledge me and thank me somehow. But Deepok Chopra is an ungrateful SOB!

[Dannon Oneironaut]

Any questions from my flock?