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I would've written down this dream but it was just this long, horrible disjointed dream about my brother and sister dying and I don't want to remember it even if doing so would score me a single point in Spellbee's LD Competition asldfkjaseifojlkdf.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh lava hurts

Alright so this was one of the few times I actually felt pain in a dream (with another time being when I was trying to get myself to lucidly touch fire and I couldn't manage it because it was too uncomfortable). A lot of the dream was pretty much gibberish (which has unfortunately been the norm lately), but a small piece of it made sense.

Basically I had to handle lava for some reason, and I managed to splash some on the black tights of my right knee (p sure I was only wearing tights on that leg). It didn't feel hot at all, so I was sort of thinking that it was alright, or that the lava wasn't actually a danger. Later, however, when I saw my knee without tights, there was a spot a bit larger than a quarter where my skin was peeling off in layers. This was my idea of a third degree burn: the more layers of skin detach, the worse it is.

The pain came when I pulled at this piece of skin, which was still attached at one edge: sharp and nauseating, unpleasantly realistic, so that I decided instead to tape it down with a bandaid and allow it to heal. It's unusual for my dreams to pay so much attention to my body's well-being, featuring pain as a preventive measure from me damaging myself further, and even the beginning of a gradual healing process.

IM STRUGGLIN. I should not have tried to set lucid dreaming goals during finals week...

Missed yesterday but now I'm back.

Dream
Shoot man I don't even know what was going on in this dream. Alright, so I'm in this odd underground area that sort of feels like a gaming map, and a long distance away I can see this teenage boy on the enemy team with a gun, aiming at something else. I'm behind cover (kinda looking through a window at him below), and I've got a gun too (some kind of modern, silver handgun) but I'm not completely sure I know how to use it.

Still, I decide to do my best: I leave cover and stand, holding the gun carefully with both hands at arm's length, aim down the sight, and start popping off shots at the teenage kid. The first few miss, but each time I'm correcting my aim a little, and the two-hand grip is helping me not get thrown off too badly by the recoil. The kid is starting to scramble as he realizes he's being shot at, when one of my shots hits him dead in the forehead and he goes down (with some gore, icky). I don't feel too bad about "killing" a teenager... it feels like a multiplayer shooter, except that I'm seeing the person and their character rolled into one.

I'm just proud of that moment, because I was being so careful and methodical rather than autopiloting. Progress!

Other parts of the dream (or a different dream) featured me inducing multiple pregnancies (and, a few days later, abortions) in myself because my sister wanted me to (and was doing the same thing, I think). Somehow it helped her out. I kept doing this until the more rational part of my brain caught up and I became legitimately concerned that the abortion pill wouldn't "work" somehow, and I'd be stuck with a pregnancy... and besides that, I wasn't sure how I felt about ending a potential human life, even if it was still only at the "potential" stage. Some part of me was wondering what color eyes and what kind of personality would've been represented by the exact combination of genes that I kept discarding (and combining more, and discarding).

Today's dreamsign is: knowing that I can shoot a kid without consequences (but I thought it was because I was in a game rather than a dream hmmmmmmmm ... I should do reality checks while gaming I think, maybe every time I do something that would normally have a consequence if it were real life).

My dreams last night didn't make a ton of sense, and then I woke up early because I'm stressed about exams starting tomorrow, and now I'm eating mac and cheese for breakfast and there's not a damn thing anybody can do to stop me.

Dream:
OK I got nothin'. Hopefully I'll remember something later but it kinda feels like my brain's already thrown out what little I had.

That said, interesting notion that I need to figure out. I woke up at 7AM because finals are scary, but I didn't start studying, which is the only thing that would make "waking up early" make sense as a decision (right?). It's like there're two parts of my mind: the "oh heck I'd better wake up early" part and the "oh heck I'd better study for exams" part, and they aren't quite on the same page.

In the same way, there seems to be an "oh heck time to dream" part of my mind and an "oh heck I sure would like to have a lucid dream" part that aren't quite on the same page either. And I gotta wonder what the deal is with that.

--

Fell asleep and had some weird dreams.

Dreammmmmm
OK so one was that this professor I liked was being a little too friendly and it was weird and I don't remember that much FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.

There was also something about me fighting a dragon and everyone being like YEAH GOOD JOB

and then something else about women and men turning into giants... but women in giant form were stronger than men in giant form.

Today's dreamsign is: people acting out of character hurghh

Kinda hard to tell if this was one dream or two, but they were so different that I might as well call 'em two dreams.

Dream: Racetimes with Dadboy
UUGHHH so I dreamed about dad again, he'd bought some kinda NASCAR-esque racing computer game and we were all competing, not racing each other directly but just playing the single player and seeing who could do the best job. There was also an odd twist: rather than having one car, you had a whole team of cars, all with the same paintjob as yours, that would follow you around the track as you drove. At one point the game glitched out badly on me... a race had already started, but when I tried to join there were various errors and difficulties. This didn't trigger lucidity for me, I just kept impatiently trying to fix it until I'd managed to get into the game. I started trying to catch up (with my trail of allied cars), but I couldn't seem to play the game right, and the whole thing was frustrating.

Then I got into an argument with dad. He was upset (with mom?) because apparently having a whole team of cars meant that they had to be parked in the house, and there was barely room for them. And I got mad at him and called him a dumbass etc etc who cares.

Dream: A Tiger Ate My Face
So... next I was at some kind of gathering of people (including dad) who were all sitting in a circle in a ... room in a church? I'm not sure what the point was, but I remember walking in and sitting among them, and then entering a different world or story or something, featuring a bunch of anthropomorphic animals... sort of a Redwall feel to it.

Ugh. I thought this dream made sense but now that I'm trying to put what happened into words...

OK so basically, the mice were being forced to migrate by the more villainous animals, and a lot of the younger mice were upset about having to leave their homes. And my objective was to comfort them somehow, but it was hard to tell what I was supposed to do exactly. I talked to a couple young mice but I wasn't sure what they wanted. Then I ended up a bit separated from the main migrating group and ended up alone somewhere I wasn't supposed to be, and this weird somewhat-human-faced tiger jumped down and told me to stop trying to help them or stop doing what I was doing or whatever. I noticed that his face proportions were kinda weird, like his eyes were too far up on his face and his mouth was too wide and he didn't have a nose. And also he was a tiger with a human face. So that was kinda weird.

At any rate, I knew this tiger could eat my face in one bite, but still, when he threatened me and told me to stop I was just like "Make me," knowing full well that he would kill me but thinking of it as a shortcut to the start of the level. He looked incredulous for about a fraction of a second before he lunged and killed me. I didn't feel it.

So I restarted, and this time I found two tiny things: a tiny golden screw, and something else. And I was actually able to find the toy that the screw went into, and screw it in (the screw's proportions weirdly changing the whole time), and get the toy working again. It was some sort of stuffed animal where when you slid the bit I'd fixed, its arms closed in a hug. I knew I should give it to one of the mice children, and I was setting off to find him when I woke up? At any rate, that's all I remember.

Today's dreamsign is: the screw weirdly changing proportions in a very obvious and unreal way.

ahhh let's see

Dream
Imma just write down the fun part, which was that I was with my boyfriend and Super Smash Bros Melee player Mang0, doing some thing or other. My boyfriend was relaxing shirtless nearby, when Mang0 upended his bottle of ice cold water over my bf's chest. And my boyfriend just did not react at all. Ice cold water just running down his chest and soaking into his pants and he didn't even move. Mang0 was surprised like "Oh, I see why you like him now," and I was like "Right??" At which point my boyfriend was sort of getting flustered by this high praise. And then Mang0 got my boyfriend working on a website for him and I was like aw yeah, people I like are working together.

Which is weird for a couple reasons. First of all, in waking life if you upended a bottle of ice cold water anywhere NEAR my boyfriend's chest, he would launch away from it like a cat. Secondly, I didn't realize that I'm a Mang0 fan, and actually I still don't even know if I am, considering my brain attributed to him the unflattering action of dumping cold water all over someone with no regrets.

If my brain's sending me any kind of signal it's probably that I shouldn't treat my boyfriend like he's more unfeeling than he is. Or at least, I'm worried about doing that. Originally, it was something that I liked about him, because with my depression I didn't like the idea of getting close to someone I loved only for them to be dragged down by it. But I think that train of thought might've mutated into something more along the lines of "it's okay to disregard his feelings," which would be. Unpleasant. I mean, for someone like me who worries about screwing up and isn't always sure what will hurt people or why they feel the way they do, it would be a relief, but still. That sounds more like I'm treating him like a punching bag or a ragdoll.

Gotta keep learnin' about relationship stuff. I don't really know what I'm doing or the best way to love someone. I'm the kind of person who tries to approach emotion with hardcore analysis. I don't feel like I can rely on my feelings to guide me in anything, they seem too inconsistent. And I like the idea of rationally and deliberately choosing an approach that'll make my boyfriend feel more cared about. But sometimes it just seems too mechanical, somehow. It makes me feel like I don't know what my "genuine" actually is. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaanyway. Thoughts and feelings continue to be a complicated matter.

Spoiler for No dreams here ;U just thoughts:

Man every time I make one of these entries I'm somehow surprised that another day has passed. Almost the 20th of March? That was ... fast.

I had a couple dreams but for once I can't be bothered to remember 'em. Feels like they were just too boring/strange/pointless. Mostly pointless. I suppose I'll give myself free passes every so often 8)

In other news I get the feeling being well-rested is a better motivator for recall/investment than just thinking about dreams during the day. And anyway, I don't want to spend every day thinking about dreams... at least not right now. Think I just need a small break ;3 .. and more sleep ... and to get all kinds of school down now that spring break is overrrrr~

heck I don't even wanna think about anything emotional or exciting. I literally just want to get my school done and then rest some more. Maybe that's why my dreams were boring? Maybe part of dreaming is anticipation of the next day? How would that work...

Alternatively, maybe my waking mood colored my dreaming experience. I was relatively unconscious during those dreams so I suppose the only time I could properly react to them was after I was awake. And I mean "unconscious" as in, I couldn't properly react to things, and it felt like I was operating on some sort of auto-pilot. A pretty intelligent auto-pilot compared to some dreams, but auto-pilot all the same. Is that more a reflection of my dream mood or my current mood? Huh.

Also if I retain this mood the whole day, that would be sort of unexpected. I'm usually fairly inconsistent mood-wise. We'll see. I just feel tired and kinda sick right now so I guess I can see that mood lasting the whole day.

.... guhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
the evening nap apparently wasn't such a hot idea because when I curled up to fall asleep around 11 it took me maaaaybe until 3 am, 3:30 to actually sleep... but after that I was fine? xD I woke up at 7 'cause alarm, then reset it for 8, then my mom woke me up around 9, so proooobably close to 6 hours total but with so many interruptions auuugghhhhh

I don't remember my dreams at all >:U any memories I had are mixed up with the afternoon dreams which are mixed up with something else. so ggggg

UHHHH yeah this won't be a dream post but I'll put the basic goals I'm hoping to get out of this dream journal.
First of all I want to be lucid more often.
I want to have better recall.
I want to write down my dreams every day no matter what.
I want to maintain the thought of dreaming.
And I want my dreams in a place where they won't be easily lost.
(though the part where anyone can read 'em makes me nervous but oh well)

Formatting-wise ...
EH. On the one hand I was kinda interested in making things all official and having a certain process and junk, but I think I'll just start writing dreams down and see if I notice a pattern that can then become consistent. Or something. Hm.