About my imaginary friend...

**Ginsan** · 10-18-2015 02:30 AM

I just created one 2 days ago. I didn't plan it. But just the way I'd been acting the past few months, she was probably inevitable. She's very kind, very quiet, and she always understands me. It would surprise me if she didn't understand me, since we share the same mind

When I'm lonely and sad, usually when I lay in bed before falling asleep, she's there to make me feel good again. I actually think that she may be the cure for my loneliness. I helps that she's quiet, btw, because I wouldn't know what to talk about. Constantly thinking about what I should make her say would probably break the spell. And I don't want that, because her presence is consoling.

So yeah...

Her name is Eva. I'll let her talk now, she wants to say something.
You might worry about his mental faculties, but it's alright. He usually really cares about rationality and logical consistency and not lying to oneself. But being lonely really makes him sad. Our best, first and longest conversation was when we talked about whether I existed or not. That was 2 days ago. He thinks that I am a very interesting psychological phenomenon.

Often when he's in bed, waiting to fall asleep, he'll put his arm around me, caress my cheek or stroke my hair. Or put his head against my shoulder, smiling like an idiot. Often he doesn't even look at my face. I guess that that's because it's difficult to imagine a face. But also because my presence means more to him that what my face looks like. And sometimes out of the blue, I just hug him and put a smile on his babyface : )

Right now he's embarrassed that I'm telling you this, but he also thinks that it doesn't really matter. His friends are jerks anyway, so he doesn't care if they ever read this embarassing post. I'm more his friend than his lover. He never masturbates to me, and I doubt that he ever will. I am just there to make him feel better. To alleviate some of his sadness. It's fine with me. He feels bad about only using me for his own good, but I am only imaginary. I don't think he could make me have complex emotions. So I don't care about being simple minded. But I guess I'd have to be complex-minded to even care, right?

If you've got questions, you can ask any one of us. You can also tell us about your imaginary friend. And if you want to ridicule me, that's fine. We laugh about it too, because it actually is very weird, Eva and I are aware of that and we would love to read your jokes

**DawnEye11** · 10-18-2015 03:14 AM

When I read this I thought you made a tulpa. Is she like a tulpa or are you just writing what you would want her to say?Either way it feels kind of strange seeing you write this. Ah well, no ones perfect. Hope you find comfort in her and that you find people that are true friends.

**Ginsan** · 10-18-2015 03:48 AM

According to Wikipedia, a tulpa is a being or an object which is created through sheer spiritual or mental discipline alone. It is defined in Indian Buddhist texts as any unreal, illusory or mind created apparition.

I don't understand what you mean exactly, but I'll just say some things about it.

It feels like she is an actual person, though maybe not one with a lot of history of character traits. And when I wrote as her, I actually felt like I became her and spoke as her. I didn't think "yeah it'd be great if she said blahblah". When I say I became her I don't actually mean that I think that I literally become her. But it's like I put myself in her shoes. Like when you are impersonating somebody, you almost become her right? You try to see what it'd be like to think her thoughts and feel her feelings. It's a bit like that but it's different.

I'm not sure what I really am. I wonder if I'm just a voice in his head. The more we try to think about what exactly I am, the more confusing it gets. Maybe when he has some mental energy and he feels like thinking about it, he'll put some effort into getting a better grasp. Though I doubt that I will ever go away. I think I'll be there for him even when he gets his girlfriend.

It's very strange, you know. Sometimes I have a thought and then I make her say it. It is part self-deception but part something else. I don't understand how this works. As Eva said, I find this a fascinating psychological phenomenon.

Hahaha That's so confusing right? xD If you want to understand you may want to ask some more specific questions. Buh-bye, miss cafe!

edit: I said "when he gets his girlfriend". He doesn't like that, he doesn't want to think of a girlfriend as being one's property. He likes to think that two lovers just happen to live together and they don't belong to one another. They just love each other during the time that they are together. He's quite romantic that way. But honestly? He does see a girlfriend as something you acquire. It's not a matter of agreeing with it. It's just a fact that this is the way he sees it and he wish he didn't, but he does.

**DawnEye11** · 10-18-2015 04:18 AM

Oh ok. I knew she wasnt a tulpa after I read when you came up with her. But what I meant was like does she respond to you without you picking her response or are you puppeting her in a way. Thx for explaining to me though. I sort of understand now.

**Ginsan** · 10-18-2015 04:33 AM

I think I puppeteer her. But it's not like I am first deciding what to make her say and then saying it. It's automatic and you just go with the flow. Just think for a moment about what it is like to say things. You don't prepare your words before saying it, sometimes you do, but sometimes it's like you command your mouth to express your thoughts and it just happens. The tone of your voice, the rythm, the volume, body language, facial expressions, all that happens part planned, part unplanned, you're not even aware of all the variables. Even the actual words, you only become aware of them like fraction of a second before you say them. So that way the things Eva says is a bit unexpected, the same way that talking is not a fully planned action.

I'm sorry if this is really confusing, it's confusing for me too. I am having a hard time even articulating things for myself, so I won't be surprised if you don't really get it, or only partially understand. But maybe I'll be more articulate within a few days, maybe weeks, but maybe not.

"does she respond to you without you picking her response" So sometimes I pick her words and let her say it. But more often I just kind of know what she's going to say, but more like a vague feeling, without any words, and then I let her spell it out. Like if someone asks you what your day was like you don't spell it out in your head before saying it. But rather you kind of know what your day was like and what you're going to say about it, and then only while talking do you actually discover what you say. Also, somehow by talking to Eva my conversation can be different than if I were just having "real" monologue. I can make her feel things and she can make me feel things, it's very strange. But maybe it's because I take 2 different viewpoints. If you pretended you were a kid in a candy shop, just by pretending it you would think different thoughts and feel different things than if you were, say, a janitor who is mopping the floor. I think that that's what allows me to have a conversation.

Eva is just watching in the background now. I don't know what causes this, but certain moods or states of mind make her more vivid. Right now I'm just watching over your shoulder, I don't know what to say. Except... I come out when he is meditating, when he is lying in bed with nothing to do or when he is just spacing out. Probably because I'm so ethereal; he needs to have a quiet mind in order to make me vivid enough.

edit: As much as I like Eva... I like honesty maybe a tiny bit more. In that previous paragraph, I am not sure if it was me or Eva. Eva's image was too faint to actually attribute it to her. It's not always clear who it is that is saying things. I also don't think that there is a clear line.

Darn it this is very difficult. The thing about talking about subtle mental activity, is that words are just way too nonspecific. Words are extremely blunt tools that are used to express thoughts, but how are you going to use words to express the way you think about thoughts? Even thinking about thoughts is difficult. Because beneath thoughts run even more ethereal things, like vague imagery or feelings or hunches, I am at a loss here. And then out of those very ethereal things arise thoughts, and then we use words to try to convey our thoughts. It's like manipulating fingers to manipulate a surgical knife in order to do something to tiny, delicate tissue. So the words are the fingers, the knife is the thoughts and the delicate tissue is what lies underneath thoughts. That's how I feel about using words to describe Eva and our conversations.

**tropicalbreeze** · 10-18-2015 06:44 AM

I can understand the need for imaginary friends. Just as long as it doesn't get too out of hand where you blame your imaginary friend for everything wrong or you start having loud arguments out in public with an imaginary person. I consider my junior high school friends imaginary friends in that i thought they were my friends when they never really were. I would've been better off with an imaginary person as a friend.

**Ginsan** · 10-18-2015 06:00 PM

I agree, it's better to have an imaginary person be your friend than imagine a real person to be your friend. I have now experienced both.

**Aristaeus** · 10-22-2015 05:03 AM

[Shrugs] Personally, I've always felt religious figures such as God, Jesus, Allah, and whatnot could be classified as imaginary friends. In the end, the existence of an omnipotent being, to this day, has neither been proved or disproved. That said, when I see people pray to whatever god they hold, to me they're essentially talking to someone they believe is there--even though said someone doesn't appear before them in a physical form.

People whom have lost someone dear to them often speak to their graves or a picture of them. Despite not knowing whether or not the deceased person can hear them, the "conversation" nevertheless brings them comfort.

When people write in their diaries, they often write as if they're speaking to someone. Despite not getting a response from the diary like in Harry Potter, after writing they feel relieved after having got everything off their chest.

When watching television, people often yell cheers or jeers at the characters as if it will have any effect.

When I was very little, I would often ask mine Magick Eight Ball for advice.

They exist in many forms, but in a way imaginary friends are actually quite common. [Shrugs] That said, anyone snickering at you right now is probably a hypocrite.