nina

I close my eyes and feel large hands moving across my stomach. The changeover must have happened so quickly and undetectably, I'm slightly surprised, yet pleased. The hands are not threatening, they seem to be almost searching. I grasp the hands and pull a being into my other bedroom. It's night so all I can see is the dark outline of his figure. "Who are you?" I ask inquisitively. He responds, but I'm unsure of the name he gives. He spoke softly, and he had a thick other wordly sort of accent that I've never heard before. His name sounds something like Astaroth. His skin is soft and smooth and he appears to be completely hairless. He embraces me and I run my hands over his back...wings. He kisses me passionately, and I notice his teeth are sharp and pointy. A demon. He asks for my body. I consent. Then he asks what I want in return. I've never been asked this before and am not sure what to say nor can I think of anything. Then I telepathically send him an image, he nods, and we spend several steamy minutes together, after which he fades into the darkness and I wake up.

I found myself in bed at my old house, laying on my stomach with my face in the pillows. I heard someone enter my room.

"Is it you?" I asked.

The mattress moved as he sat down on the bed. As usual, I was nervous. He leaned over me, and in a dark voice full of malicious amusement he whispered into my ear.

"I'm not your blue friend*."

My nervousness transformed into fear as I felt him climb on top of me. I lifted my head slightly to look at his hands closed around my wrists. They were black. Jet black. A color nothing human could be. And I could sense the darkness flowing through him. If I believed in evil then he would be it. But evil implies the sense of something, however wicked, while he was nothing. Emptiness.

I didn't dare try to see anymore.

Fear paralyzed my body.

Pleasure released my mind.

Not a typical sexual pleasure, but something more intense. Something deeper. At the base of my spine. Like a furnace.

Who or what he was didn't matter...only the feeling mattered. Aware that at any moment the situation could erupt into sheer terror, I was careful not to appear to struggle from his grasp, and the delicate balance of pleasure and fear was maintained.

At times he spoke to me, though I can't remember what was said.

And then, as suddenly as he had come, he was gone. I found myself alone in my bed once again. But soon another came. At first I was, again, fearful. But this man was light skinned, almost glowing, and I found that I was able to look at his face. He was handsome and kind and sought only to comfort me. He offered his hand and I took it, and we dissolved into another astral plane. I know there is more to the dream but I can't remember it.

*The blue friend he is referring to is some incubus-like being that has visited me on several occasions.

It's been awhile since I had a real lucid. Yesterday it started off with me getting a bedtime visit from my demon. There are some really beautiful memories from that lucid dream that I would love to paint if I get the chance.

Last night I was lucid most of the time, but I also forget a lot of it, due to sleeping aids and such. At one point I remember flying around searching for a friend of mine that I really wanted to see. I realized that shouting their name wasn't going to get me anywhere, so I attempted to try the linear acceleration technique to see if I could enter their dream (has worked in the past). But this time it was different. The actual process of the flight was so much more real, it felt hyperreal...and I attempted to accelerate to a speed that was as fast as I could possibly go.

I like the idea of ripping through the fabric of space time to enter another person's dream. But this time, when I hit my limit, which was at or around light speed (I think), something different happened. I didn't rip through anything and wind up in a new dreamscape...instead I felt my body...the tips of my fingers...began dissolving away...as though I was moving faster than light speed...and I was leaving molecules behind. It was so strange because it actually physically hurt. The tips of my fingers felt like they were dissolving away, or ripped off...and there was a stream of particles flowing behind them. It was happening all over my body, but my hands were out in front of me so I could see them slowing dissolving away as I reached my speed limit. I stopped accelerating because it was really painful, and I knew something was not right.

After I stopped accelerating, I just let myself float through the darkness of space and it took me a good five or ten minutes to recover. It felt like I was slowly pulling myself, my particles, back together. I was absolutely exhausted, my brain was hurting a lot, and my heart rate was up. But I couldn't wake up or move, not because of sleep paralysis, but only because I did not have the energy to.

Imagine being in a lucid dream...and realizing you don't have the energy to wake up? It was so strange, I've never experienced anything like it. I don't think I will try that technique again. Even for awhile after I woke up I didn't feel right. I was completely drained. Literally had to roll out of bed. I'm starting to wonder if I was ripping my astral body away from my physical body or something...but in a way that...was somehow bad.

Also, I noticed that while I was accelerating my brain was vibrating really strongly at the crown. The top back...I could feel those neurons firing like crazy (I guess that's what it means when you feel vibrations). So it could be connected to the crown chakra (which I think is your bodily entrance/exit point)...or to a certain area of the brain that was firing at the time.

Oh nameless disembodied spirit of hate and rage. Does this demon exist within me? What is this entity that terrifies and tortures me so. Formless. Shapeless. There are no words that can describe such a thing. Is this what evil means? Something born into this world out of rage and hatred, which exists only as a shapeless shadow, blacker than any black existing in the realm of reality. Something from which no light returns...a black hole. Sucking you in...devouring...your soul. Can such a thing truly exist within me?

Recently I have been having recurring dreams about my old house, and more importantly, my old bedroom which, in these dreams, is violently haunted. These dreams have been getting worse, I have absolutely no idea what is causing them, but I have never felt terror like this before. Even in my worst nightmares. I have never encountered something so purely evil and unable to escape from, even when lucid.

I lived in this house from the age of thirteen, up until we moved about 5 years ago. I had been dreaming that my old bedroom was haunted for awhile, but only recently have the dreams turned into full fledge nightmares. The following are three (out of many) such nightmares I have had recently involving this haunted room.

My bedroom was empty, everything had been placed into the moving truck, and I go back down to my bedroom to get the last few things. I walk to my bedroom, which is in the basement, and just as I get to the open door...it slams shut in my face with such an intense force that I stumble backwards. I think to myself, that it is haunted, and that there is something very evil in there. But I need to get my stuff, and I don't want to be afraid. I think it is best to master my fear and enter the bedroom. When I go in, it is completely empty, just bare wood floors. I get to the center of the room and the bedroom door slams shut behind me. It is so loud that I am already very terrified because I know that something is very angry. I turn around to look towards the door and I see a shadowy blackness...immediately I am filled with terror. I can sense that this thing is pure evil. It screams...the loudest...most horrifying demonic moan and I make a run for the door. I am knocked down by some invisible force, the shadow still shrieking in my ear and echoing so loudly through the empty room. The closet doors are slamming closed over and over, the windows shatter, the ceiling fan is rocking about wildly above my head. I start screaming. I tell myself it's just a dream, and that I can't be here, because I have a new bedroom now. So I desperately try to think about my new bedroom, so that I can wake up from this nightmare. But I cannot remember where I am sleeping. I am semi-lucid throughout this whole experience, but I am unable to fight this evilness and terror that I am filled with. I eventually make it to the door but it won't open. I keep trying and eventually I get out and slam the door behind me. It stays shut and I run for my life.

I am in my old bedroom alone. It's empty. I know that I couldn't be there and become lucid. But despite the lucidity I am not overjoyed, and surprised to find myself in that bedroom. I feel the darkness closing in around me. "No." I say to myself, and try to will it to go away. But it persists. This is not a thing I have any amount of control over. I try to think of different ways to expel the evil from this room, but I am suddenly being pulled towards it, as if by a rope coming out of my stomach. There is a tugging sensation and I cannot fight it...it is not physical...it is spiritual. I feel myself separate from my body and float into the blackness. I am completely overcome with the darkness and feel myself become filled with that same rage, that evilness, that hate...and everything goes black. I wake up crying.

In my dream last night I found myself in my old house, in the basement, which is a common place for me to be in dreams. I walk over to my bedroom, completely forgetting that I had sworn never ever to go back there. Forgetting that it was inhabited by the most evil demonic spirit hell bent on torturing me. I open the door and immediately it slams back shut, but it slams on my fingers. Four fingers of my right hand are caught in the door. It all comes flooding back to me, the evilness that exists in there. I become terrified. I'm pulling my hand as hard as I can but I can't get it out. The door won't budge. It's only a matter of time before the evilness opens the door and sucks me in, and then I will be trapped in there again with it. I am absolutely panicked. I consider cutting my hand off, but I don't have a knife. I pull so hard that my fingers start to rip off. The door opens and I fall backwards. Hovering in the doorway is the darkness. I get up and run as fast as I can. But the evil pulls at me like a magnet. It pulls at my spirit, my soul. I feel myself start to get disconnected from my body...because my body continues to run away. I focus on staying inside myself, and get up the stairs. I find a bottle of holy water and spray it everywhere. I dump it out forming a circle around me. My little dog is near my feet. I grab him and toss him into the empty bedroom beside me, hoping to keep him safe. Then I see...something...crawling it's way to the top of the stairs. She looks like the little girl from the Exorcist. I knew this wasn't the evilness, it was just something that manifested out of it. Like a side effect. This girl did not frighten me even though she looked very scary. But after that evil, it would take much more to frighten me. She tries to attack me but I grab her and shake her and I shout things that I cannot remember. Like, "look what you've done. Look what you've become. Now everyone can see the real you. Now you look on the outside how you are in the inside." I don't know what I was yelling or why. Then I threw her from me and she crumpled into a heap and took on the appearance of an angler fish. Demonic eyes and huge sharp teeth, amidst a black mass of clothing and tangled hair. It looked dead. I knew the evil was still in the house, in my room, so I left the house.