Things to Run Away From Really Fast

★★☆☆☆

09/29/10



Jesse is my third cousin once removed. Or something. We don't really get along. In this universe, however, we apparently travel together like the brothers from Supernatural.

Jesse and I have been abducted by aliens. I'm looking around the room, which appears to be a workshop. There are sturdy wooden tables are laid out at right angles throughout the room, and they're covered in various projects, models and mock-ups. The concrete walls are wallpapered with sketches and equations. Also, we're in a space station orbiting Earth.

"Welcome!" says one of the aliens, as it moves towards us. He has his skinny arms raised in welcome. His skin is blue on the top, and fades to peach underneath. He has a dome-shaped head, and a wide smile. "Welcome to our benevolent kingdom, humans! Our benevolent ruler sends his greetings."

"They're kind of friendly, aren't they?" says Jesse, under his breath.

"So... what do you want?" I ask him.

The alien smiles wider. "I'm glad you asked. We have many questions about your civilization."

Jesse puffs himself up, and I make a gesture with my hand. "Go on."

"We need to know, specifically, about the Catholic church." he says. He brings us over to a model of my hometown's cathedral. "Our benevolent ruler came to know of this society through the storyteller called 'Dan Brown'. You see, our society is an advanced, rational civilization. Our benevolent ruler believes that we should 'add some chaos to the mix', and has decided to use your Church as a model."

"I'm Protestant." says Jesse.

"I'm not." I mutter.

"Nevertheless, you have been chosen to grace us with this information. It is a great honour," he says, meeting my eyes.

I read his intentions there. Once he has his information, he'll have no more use for us. We'll be disposed of, lethally.

I smile brightly. "Jesse, why don't you tap into humanity's collective consciousness and bring up the data our host is asking for? I'll help clean up, and answer any questions he has in the meantime." Ignoring Jesse's flabbergasted expression, I turn back to the alien scientist. "Would that be satisfactory?"

"Humanity has a collective consciousness?" asks the alien, looking interested.

"Humanity. Has a collective consciousness." says Jesse flatly. "What the flying fuck -"

I grab him by the arm and whisper in his ear. "Meditate. Gather the energy we need to teleport the hell out of here."

"So!" I say to the alien as I pick up a rag. "What do you want to know?"

skip

I throw down the rag next to Jesse. He opens his eyes and blinks up at me.

"Not that I'm upset you're trying to save our lives," I say, "But if this takes any longer, you'll be paying in chores for a month."

He glares. "I could just leave you here."

"You can't kill kin." I tell him.

Scare Factor: 2/10