Cynical

October 13, 2011

Some of my friends and I were watching movies on my basement tv. These weren't movies I could make out.

Eventually, we decided to order out for two pizzas. But everyone had to eat dinner. So, they all gave me money, totaling $20, and told me to order two large pizzas. I dial up Pizza Hut, and call them, ordering three larges because there's a special.

Once the pizza gets here, a kid from my Boy Scout troop is knocking on my door with them. Apparently they're using child labor now. (Should've realized this was a damn dream!) He opens my door without my permission, but he has pizza so it's all good.

He starts wandering around asking stupid questions and breaking everything. I take the pizza upstairs and wait for everyone to come back.

I hear chewing upstairs, and have this sinking feeling. I run upstairs, and see my father and brother finishing up the last box of Pizza Hut Pizza. We have a civil discussion.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" I ask politely.

"Eating the pizza you bought for us," my father replies.

"Why on earth would I buy you pizza?!"

"It's Father's Day or my birthday or something."

"No, it's not. Even if it was, I'd just buy you a damn special occasion card from the dollar store."

"Hah! You can't even afford a dollar. I ate 17 pizza slices to show you how it feels."

"How what feels? And who ate the other 7 slices? There were 7 people! ..I think."

My brother pipes in, "I ate them."

"Ok, look. My friends gave me $20 to buy these damn pizzas. Once they find out what's happened, I'm toast, you jackass."

My father snickers, "Oh well. I think I hear knocking downstairs. You better go check!"

Indeed, there was loud knocking, a telltale sign of when Jane is knocking for you.

"Have fun," my dad says in a fatherly way.

"You too, guys."

I run to the basement, and open the door. The gang is there, waiting to come in.

"Hey, I'm hungry!"

Everyone says this simultaneously. I look at each of them, with their endearing expressions. I take a deep breath, but almost choke.

"Guys. My dad ate them all."

These words hung in the air, literally. Everyone looks at them in dead silence. I fear for my life. Then, they line up side to side. They each say a number at a time. I realize they are counting down. I start laughing, thinking that they can't hurt me because I'm dreaming. As they close in, my mother skips down the steps somehow, telling me my brother and father had heart attacks.