non-lucid

This was one of the most powerfully frightening and sleep episodes to date.

I'm floating in a sensory deprivation tank. I chose to do an hour and a half session since it had been a long day. This experience happened in the later half of the float.


I'm listening to music. It's sort of a slow, funky R&B beat with a man singing directly to me. He has a wonderful, deep voice that sent me deeper into my comfort zone. I realize quickly that this isn't the wake up music for my session, it is all in my head. I smile, or at least I think I do, and continue listening for a whole, beautiful minute. It's amazing what your mind can create in sensory deprivation.

The music fades and a twitch brings me back to present. "That was wonderful," I thought. "That's more than enough to write about."

Reflecting back on all this, I now know I experienced a false awakening, and a very convincing one at that. So, in my false awakening:

I'm going to flip onto my stomach for the last 30 seconds of my float (sometimes when I know I'm about to get out of the tank, I lay face down for as long as I can hold my breath. It feels good on my back). My extremities feel numb, but I manage to flip over. I soon realize I'm paralyzed. I have no control over my legs or arms and worst of all, my face is under water. I begin to panic. A hot rush of survival fear rushes me through my situation. My mouth is muffled by water and my arms can't find their way to bang on the wall for help. I'm going to die. I hold my breath as long as I can until I realize there is no use fighting it anymore. I have to inhale. I choose not to have my life flash before my eyes, since I knew inhaling the super saturated salt water would burn out any sentiment I could gather, so I just decided to go for it. A moment of courage. With all my strength, I take a mighty breath. Farewell.

Woosh. I'm back in my real body, frantically trying to catch my breath and calm my nerves. I knew exactly what had happened, having experienced false awakenings and sleep paralysis before. Never have both happened simultaneously. I was rattled, I still am.

I accepted death. Rather than inhaling the salt water, I took the most refreshing gasp I've ever tasted. It was beautifully humbling experience.

I was at a spaghetti dinner with some kids I used to go to school with, (Maddie, kendra, alison, manuel, and others I can't remember). I remember my face was extremely messy and my napkin was covered with sauce to the point there weren't any white spots left to be found. I was eating like a slob, but couldn't help it, burping, grunting, slobbering ect. There was an arm wrestling competition going on in the tables that were near me. I felt good, strong, and willing to arm wrestle, but I didn't end up doing it in the end. I remember rylan and alison were sitting at my table, but moved for some reason. Kendra was wearing this green, strapless, uncomfortable looking dress and had a little bit of a nipple slip, but I was the only one that noticed. Somebody had a cup of coffee or tea, and set it down on a very wobbly table and I didn't want it to spill. I was talking about lacrosse with manuel down a long corridor.

I was this kid I know, Steve Loreo, running from the cops (I ran by about 20 of them without them knowing it was me they were looking for). it started on my college lacrosse field through the woods to a new place with janitors, cement paths, and rustic looking stairs and steps. I had to run backwards on the hot pavement to help melt the soles of my shoes for some reason. Pete Postlethwaith, the guy who played Hitler in that recent movie, was following me around, trying to find me. We robbed a bank together. His persuit of me was narrated, almost movie-like inside my head. I was sweating and stabbed some guy in the back with a throwing knife. then met up with Pete, he told me the story.

Feelings included being extremely anxious, scared, and an adrenaline rush feeling.

Last night I had two dreams, both non lucid, that I remembered. The first was at some sort of bike class with chris towne's mom riding down marshwood jr. high's hill in the way of some car traffic and other bike riders. The ride ended at Shapleigh school's track. Before pulling into the parking lot I put on a blinker to signal I was turning. I remembered that i had a second guess as to whether or not bikes had blinkers, but apparently I accepted the idea and kept riding. "strange" is what I wrote in my dream journal by my bed the moment I woke up. I then tried to bunny hop the three foot fence but couldn't. I remember it was raining, probably because I had to pee. Emotion wise, I felt very self conscious of my riding and wanted to make sure that I wasn't getting in anybody's way.

The second dream was at a hockey rink with a number of people I know, josh richards, brenden, jeremy plante, chris grassie, jared pabis, coach klepacki, coach toomy and a few more.. Grassie made everyone on the ice dull their skates on the bench as a punishment, I pretended to dull them, but half heartedly did so. We had tennis balls and were taking slap shots off a wall, collecting the ball, and then sniping top shelf. I was team red in what looked to be a group of 5 teams or so total. I played against nate tembi, whose grampa died and he was talking about it while we competed next to each other. My mom was watching behind the glass, like she always does in real life. I remember scoring: low glove side off the side of the post, it made me feel good, confident, and a little relieved.

Last night I had a dream that my mom came into my room for some reason at 2 30 in the morning. Then I told her mom, I'm dreaming..Actually we both are! And I became lucid for a few seconds. Then I went on the hunt for a quarter to show her that I could make it levitate. But by the time I got downstairs, the there were some kids I know trying to play a trick on me, and I think that took my complete attention off of being lucid, because I never got to flex my powers. I actually remember also riding on a bike with my friend later on, thinking to myself "anything is possible" and tried to sit sideways on the seat and pedal. but I fell, so I clearly didn't have the confidence that I would have if I was fully lucid. I even told some people in my dream about this. I said my mom woke me up at 2 30 ect and that usually when you wake up at that time of night, you are in the middle of a dream and thus become lucid. but I couldn't successfully get my mind to buy into the whole lucid idea. Very close though. Only lucid for maybe 1 minute.

Last night i was in this house I've never been in before that was absolutely filthy. Dirt and cobwebs everywhere, cluttered, and there were holes in the floor. I was there with my mom, dad, and a dog that had died a long time ago. We were looking around and climbing up into the house when I saw my dead Grandpa up about 2 floors above me. I didn't say anything to him, he was supposed to be dead. My dad was clearly upset about being there, so I offered to leave with him. When we were all walking away from the house, I asked what was going to happen with grandpa. My parents told me he would be dead within a week..

I was in my room with this girl I'm pretty attracted to sitting on an air mattress while she was on my bed. We ended up hooking up, and It wasn't as good as I imagined it would be with this girl, and after I was called downstairs. I was looking for my clothes, but it was too dark, so I tried to turn on the lights, but of course the light switch didn't work. I wish I had make the connection between the light switch not working and the dream world, but no luck. Then two cats brushed across my leg and walked into my room as I was leaving and started eating the crumbs out of an empty pizza box that was apparently there the whole time.

We were having a conversation, yet she was the only one doing the talking. It was like she knew what I was thinking and responding to that.

I remember driving a car on the water to see a huge bridge I usually drive over from below being under construction and only half completed. I drove to the base and a guy was fishing from the very tip tip of the bridge, where I wanted to go, but couldn't because I couldn't fly. I was pissed because my car wasn't capable of flying to the bridge so I went home to do some work. I tried creating a word document that simply said "I am Lucid" about 100 times and saved it on a flash drive so when put in the same situation, I would remember to access the file and see that I was dreaming. All this cleaver thinking, and I didn't even realize I was in a dream in the first place. My mind wanted to become lucid, but couldn't detect the bizarre aspects of the dream world around me.

Frustrating when I woke up..

Today when I took a nap, I had a few dreams, one of which I remember:

I was back at my high school in the science building walking with a current friend from college. When I looked down the stairs I saw my whole college lacrosse team sitting at these lunchroom-looking tables studying. My coach was there too, and every 5 minutes he would send a group of us to go outside and run. When it was my turn, I followed the group and found myself trying to complete this obstacle course from hell.. I had to run through this monster truck track, walk on the tip top of a white picket fence, and swim laps in a pool that seemed to just appear from nowhere. The dream ended with me exhausted and confused as to why my coach would make me and my teammates do such an awful thing...at my high school of all place. He is a little evil in real life anyways, so I guess it made sense.