non-lucid

I went out to work in the morning and when I came back (only a couple of hours later), I decided I should go to bed. I didn't feel like it, but I knew I was super tired. So I did, and did SSILD for a little while. But I couldn't even fall asleep. Then, later on in the afternoon, I felt really tired, so I put the radio on and went to bed. After a little while, I had a feeling like I was coming out of something very deep, everything was dark and the radio sounded funny, but then I felt like I was rising up out of it and I came back again.

Then I fell properly asleep. However, I wasn't aware that I'd fallen asleep (you know how when you have a nap and you feel kind of disoriented and you're never sure if you've slept or how much you've slept?). It was like that. I felt like for so long I just couldn't fall asleep, but I was half asleep for sure, and just day-dreaming. At one point, I lifted my head up and looked out of the window. I didn't know it then, but I was dreaming (unfortunately, I haven't been doing my RCs recently and so I never thought to do an RC after I'd 'woken up'). The other odd thing was, was that the sky outside was concurrent with how it should have looked in real life and there was all the condensation on the window that has been there today IRL. I'm just mentioning this, because I'm impressed at how very real the FA was. My vision was a little grainy and I couldn't hear the radio very well. This happened a couple of times.

Then I was really dreaming. I was walking through my apartment and my housemate was in her room with one of her friends and I thought, "Ohhh, damn, she's back already." (Again, this is pretty much real life, except she's not back yet. And everything was so realistic, nothing really bizarre and random like most dreams). I ran to the fridge and then back to my room, still not aware I was dreaming. I was back in my room and up on the wall I saw a little cupboard with the door slid half way open. I thought, "Who opened that?!" (Except I don't have a cupboard). Then I realised it was my bookshelf. THEN, my bookshelf had changed shape and was in the middle of the room, but apart from that, everything was exactly as it should be, right down to how my room is lit. I was looking at the books on it and I saw five new books that were not there before and are not there IRL, because they're back home. They were some of my favourites and I got really excited. I was like, "Hmm, wait....what..? Mum...?" And then it clicked. I looked at my hand and I had all these fingers and I suddenly felt there and conscious. It was pretty cool, but I suddenly had the most bizarre reaction. I started panicking and saying, "Wake up! Wake up!" Then I thought, "What am I doing?" and started rubbing my hands together. That didn't work, everything went dark and drifted away and I woke up and realised that I'd had some FAs. So 2nd LD and I ballsed it up again. Well, gotta keep on trying!

Lula x

So I only remember one of my dreams from last night and vague fragments of others, which are slipping away now. The reason is, I was woken up by someone calling me and they said I had to go into work, I had to be there in 10 minutes, etc. So I was straight up and out of bed with no time to think about my dreams They called me again like 10 minutes later and said I didn't need to come in so I could have stayed in bed

For the past three nights, my dreams have been really bad, but very obvious, in that they've either contained something I do in real life, something that happened in the past, or something I've been thinking about. Usually my dreams aren't so obvious, but just recently, even the ones that were more symbolic, have still been pretty shallow and have obviously related to what I've been thinking about during the day. Last night I had a dream that a friend was trying to kill me and my bf. It relates heavily to what's been going on in real life. Obviously he hasn't been trying to kill us, but in my mind, he's metaphorically trying to kill something that means a lot to both of us. I've been going over it all day, so it was no surprise that it worked its way into my dreams.

Anyway, he was trying to blow us up. He'd been explaining this huge plan he had to kill us and how brilliant it would be. I was tied to a bomb, which look like a car battery and we were in some underground bunker. My friend looked maniacal and his face was misshapen and covered in blood and gouges. We had to be tied up somewhere and then I was tied to this bomb. Throughout it, I had this feeling that nothing much was going to happen, I don't know why. But then, my bf got some scissors and started cutting himself free. Our friend was outside doing something villainous. He gave me the scissors and then I started cutting off the strings that were attaching me to this bomb. As I did so, my naturally clumsy nature interfered and I knocked the bomb all over the place. One of it's wires came out and it started spitting and flaring. I could hear it counting down. It wasn't like it was counting down, but I could hear the explosion coming, everything was getting slower and slower (or faster and faster, I can't remember which). I got up and started to run and I could hear it behind me and I could feel my friend trying to stop me and I was running through doors which were so heavy to pull open and then I finally got into this concrete bunker, where I knew I'd be safe. Then I can't remember if I woke up or if I was still asleep, but I had different endings play out in my head. I felt angry at my cowardice at leaving my bf behind, so in one ending, I took him with me when I left. In another, we both died together. And then in another one, the friend died. Then in a different ending, the friend was injured and crawling around on the floor, but he was still alive and he was after us and we were hiding in the bunker, but he knew we were there. Authorities came and found us, but I always had this feeling that he was out there, waiting.

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It's the only dream I can recall from last night, because I couldn't sleep for about an hour afterwards and I was going over and over it in my mind. I can't remember my other dreams very well, because I was woken a bit roughly and had no time to let them sink in. I think maybe I need to talk to this guy, though Either way, I'm only going to think of good things today.

Lula x

I remember a little dream I had this morning. I woke up around 9 and then went back to sleep. I think that was when I had it. It wasn't very nice and it's left me feeling really deflated.

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The first thing I remember was everything was covered with water; it went up to the sky and the houses were completely covered. It had only just happened and I was at my mum's house. I swam down to find her and the cat and they were both alright; they had one of those really old-fashioned diving suits. Then all the water was gone and I was running from the house to the little road at the front and back again. I had a really nervous feeling all the time, like I was late for something. It was eating me up and I couldn't put my finger on it. Then I was back in the house and I realised I had to go get the bus for college, but this is their new house and it's miles away from where I went to college. It was also the middle of the day and I had this feeling like I was american. I'd been in college in a previous dream (or maybe the same one) and been given some homework to do. I was running around the house looking for it and I found this piece of paper with all these boxes on and I realised I hadn't filled any of it out and I was late and it was the most important thing ever. I knew my mum was going to be really angry with me and for missing the bus. But it just kept getting later and later, but it was so sunny and I knew it was the middle of the day, but it didn't matter anymore. I went into the bathroom and my mum said that cat wanted to come in as well, because she was sad and needed company. She sat there slumped in a corner for a minute and then she went to eat.

I went outside and everything looked kind of fiery. There were so many bridges and big roads that I had to climb over. Then I was with my best friend from college. We were in a boat or something, but we were studying and she was behind. We had to do all these mad obstacles. The water was black and looked like oil and all the surfaces were hard and concrete-like. I fell in a couple of times, but they kept saying I was doing really well. She had to go back and do it again, and they wouldn't let me go with her. I was with this guy at the final part and I had to hold onto this rope and swing over all the black, oily water and grab another rope and land on this concrete landing (kind of like Total Wipeout). He showed me how to do it and he went way too far and fell in the water, but then the was back again. I kept imagining doing it over and over again, but I was too scared. The bit we were on was sloped, but it wasn't sloped downwards, it was sloped upwards, so I would have to climb up this slope and then try and jump. I kept saying to him, "There isn't enough room, I won't have enough momentum." And the other rope kept going further and further away. And he just sat there and said, "You can do it. I know you can." But I didn't feel like there was any conviction. Then the rope I was holding snapped off and he said, "How could you have broken it?" And he was rummaging around for more stuff and he found some paper and said, "Will this do?" I said no and he said, "Fine, we'll have to go buy some more. I'll take you out for dinner." We sat there for a little longer and the water bubbled a bit and then we went, back to all the bridges and the sky was fiery.

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I feel like a lot of these experiences have parallels with things that have happened in my past. It all made me feel hugely inadequate and sad though, like I haven't felt in a while.

Lula x