A Nocturnal Opus

June 27th 2021:

Dream: I am on a passenger plane (but it's really a sailing ship with wings. As it happens and exceptionally, my seat is on the outside. Specifically, on the wing. I am terrified. And I need to pee. There is a pee container on a shelf on the deck and I ask to use it but a group of teenager girls are in the way, chattering and drinking water there. They are unresponsive to me. I think they're being inconsiderate so I lash out at them. I realize I must seem very rude. They simply mock me. I try to explain "You're being so selfish! I am going to be sitting on the wing! I am terrified and so I have no patience! Give me a break, please" but they have no sympathy for me. They have judged me in a way that I believe is valid for them given I was rude to start with. In a bad mood, I make my way to the wing and lie down on the special apparatus on the wing that passes for a seat. The plane gets off the ground and the speed and wind are overwhelming. I start slipping. After a while, I get used to it but I fly off the plane and see the plane just crash in the distant mountains. Oops.

Reflection: Waking from this dream, I'm thinking how cool it was riding a plane's wing but then, I decide I should take the conflict with the teenage girls seriously. What was the real issue of that conflict? I decide that the meaningful problem was my fear of judgement (of negative and incorrect judgement) and my sense that other people cannot understand my side of things: in my dream, the girls saw me as a rude loser, and not as someone who was nervous to sit on the wing of a plane for a whole flight! But really, it was me, who expected them to have this other perspective, and be devoid of empathy. I think it comes from my hypersensitivity to think of "how will this appear to other people." Even if I do something good, I'm worried it will be perceived bad out of context. This happens, subtly, in my daily life. For example, recently, I cleaned off a touch screen to get coffee at work before the coffee was done pouring. So when some ladies came and I left with my coffee, I heard one of them say to the other "clean the touch screen!" and I cringed thinking they might think I'm rude and didn't disinfect the screen after touching it. They just couldn't know that I had already done it. That made me feel bad. But it's life. I decided to implement a new mantra and mudra to respond to these situations.

Mantra: "Reach me halfway" (in my mind)
Mudra: *holding out my hand* (in my mind)

The idea is that, I do take a moment to consider other people's perspectives and give space for the benefit of the doubt and I will continue to do that for others. But I deserve others do the same for me. So, when I focus on seeing my actions from another person's perspective, I will say "reach me halfway" holding out my hand, inviting the other person to do the same for me and see things from my perspective.

June 29th 2021 (two days later):

I am shopping with a friend. My friend is sitting on a bench by the changing stall. A woman enters the stall, and my friend starts talking about her. I am shocked he would talk about her right there and then because she can for sure hear what he says. Ashamed, I stop him, and move further away in the store. He can tell me after when his words won't hurt that person. But turns out, the other shoppers have witnessed the event and are now accusing my friend of greater and greater transgressions. Someone says I am not guilty because I stopped him and left as soon as he began talking. But another person claims I was also gossiping about the woman earlier. People are outraged. I am willing to repair damages by paying for the woman's items. An outraged lady wants to make sure I keep my word and drags me to the pay counter. I am insulted by her behaviour and entitlement. This is too much. I say if it's like this, I won't pay for anything. I try to find my friend again but now the cops have arrested him and are dragging him out of the store away from the agitated crowd. I follow and plea with the police. They say my friend is going to jail for his abuse. I say it's all exaggerated. I demand to be a witness and fill out a report. The responsive police officer is being dismissive but as we approach the police office, I succeed in convincing him to accept my witness report. It seems like my side of things will be considered. I hold out my hand as my friend is carried into the building and cry because I'm sad he has to experience being in jail and not know what will happen next. But, there's a sense that things will end well.

Reflection: This dream also seemed to have a similar theme as the previous dream. It progressed from a harmless comment on a passerby, feeling shame because I reached out to that passerby's perspective and knew it would be hurtful to her, and the shame growing into an indignant mob and dream police. But in the end, I was better able to demand that the other reach out to my perspective, than in the dream from two days ago. And it's funny that I did hold out my hand at the end of the dream, even it if wasn't exactly for the same reason.

Overall, I expect to still see this pattern frequently in future dreams, but hopefully, with time, using my mantra and mudra in active daydreaming, I will gain greater power in my future dreams to have my dream characters see things from my perspective and gain forgiveness, the benefit of the doubt and better communication.