Snacks From the Butler's Pantry

Standing in line at my local crappy sandwich shop, I catch a glimpse of an entire room I've never seen before. Curious, I lean around the corner to have a peek. I am surprised to see rows and rows of glistening glass cases filled with every kind of deli treat you can imagine. Fine meats, cheeses and olives. Breads, pies, and tarts. I've never before seen such an incredible spread.

Tearing my eyes from the feast before me, I look up to see my friend from college working the counter. Startled, I ask what she is doing here. We haven't seen each other in years. She shushes me, and points to the television where an episode of Seinfeld is playing:

George washes up on the beach like a castaway. He coughs, and rolls over to see a pack of robotic velociraptors charging at him. The dinosaurs chase him around the beach. Their vinyl skin and animatronic pistons are not suited for walking on the soft sand. George barely makes it to the safety of my house, where I slam the door behind him.

Out of breath, he runs to the bathroom to splash some water on his grimy face. I can hear my girlfriend and her sister helping him calm down. A gang of noisy kids is on the porch, trying to break into the house to vandalize it. I yell at them to leave; that the dinosaurs will be here soon. Worried, I finally decide to let them into the safety of our house.

As soon as I touch the door handle, I realize this is all a dream. I immediately slam the door shut again, and turn to face my girlfriend and her sister. I drop to my knees, lift their shirts up, and press my face against the smooth skin of their bellies.

I suddenly find myself in bed, locked in paralysis. It is still dark, but my girlfriend is busy banging around the bedroom. I relax, knowing this is sleep paralysis, and likely a hallucination. I try to mumble to my girlfriend to help me out of bed. My arms are frozen in place, but I can see ghostly duplicates reaching out towards her for help. Focusing on these ghostly hands lifts me out of my body and into a terrible dream version of my bedroom.

There has been some kind of flood. The walls and ceiling are soaking wet, covered in thick mold and fungus. There are dirty, used paper towels scattered all over the floor. I grab some to try and wipe off some of the fuzzy, climbing mold.

I snap back to myself in bed. I am lying on my side, paralyzed again. Through the thin curtains, I can see three stars on the horizon, *** like Orion's belt. They grow larger as they approach the window. In an instant, it seems they are hovering right outside the window, bouncing up and down rhythmically. I wonder for a second if I am seeing our real christmas lights in the back yard. I tell myself this is impossible, since they would have turned off hours ago.

Looking away from the hypnotic lights, I let out a stifled scream at the monster standing just to the right of my window. He is an impossibly tall and spidery humanoid, with a smooth, alien face. At first I think he is wearing a long draping robe. I know this is the same creature I saw several weeks ago. I look at him closer, and see he is naked, with his skin hanging off his bony body in long drooping folds, like cloth.

Behind him, I see my girlfriend still puttering around the room, oblivious to my hallucination. I try to call out to her for help. I reach my hand out again, trying to move. The tall, silent creature surprises me by grabbing hold of my hand. His grip is strong, but his skin feels like soft, worn leather. I suddenly have an impossibly distorted view of my body. I can feel my real left hand under my pillow, pressed against the soft sheets. At the same time, I can feel that same sensation in my dream right hand as this creature grips it. I know I am somehow transferring the sensations from my real left hand into my dream right hand.

This is too much for me, so I wiggle my big toe and instantly wake up safely in bed, with my girlfriend snoring away next to me.