Snacks From the Butler's Pantry

I woke from a dream, having to pee really badly. I remembered just waking from a dream where I was using the bathroom. I was really comfortable, and in that sleepy zone. I really didn't want to get out of bed. Suddenly, my girlfriend woke up, and started laughing. Her pajama shorts were soaked, as was a large section of the bedsheets. Apparently I had peed in my sleep, and wet the bed.

I recognized how funny this was, but I was still really embarrassed. I've never done this, even as a child. Something felt wrong as I started climbing out of bed. Looking at my girlfriend in the dark, I said out loud, "I don't think I'm really awake right now." She laughed and said, "You wish this was just a bad dream. You're not dreaming. Get up."

I got out of bed to use the bathroom, while my girlfriend started stripping the sheets off the bed. How humiliating. I fumbled with the light switch for a minute in the dark, but couldn't find it. It was almost pitch black in the bathroom. I finally managed to get the lights on, and sat down on the toilet. I felt extremely tired.

Suddenly, I was back in bed. How did I get here? Did I fall asleep on the toilet? Maybe I was right all along, and that was just a false awakening. I still really did have to pee. I slid over to get out of bed, and felt the wet sheets. Shit! I really did wet the bed! I tried to get out of bed, but couldn't move my body properly. It felt like I was still half asleep. I was extremely disoriented, and felt like I was blacking out. I still really had to use the bathroom. Finally managing to get out of bed, I stumbled into the bathroom.

Again, I couldn't find the light switch in the dark. I accidentally bumped the switch for the fan, and it noisily whirred to life. Beneath the noise, I heard someone breathing close to me. This was followed by the subtle crack of a joint, and the rustle of someone moving in the darkness. Someone was standing right in front of me! I leaned forward, punching as hard as I could. My fist swung through the empty air. I panicked, and again reached for the light switch. This time, I found it, and was temporarily blinded by the sudden bright light. When my vision cleared, I saw I was alone in the bathroom. Strangely, the bathtub was filled with water and children's toys. I sat down on the toilet to calm my heart beat.

Again, I woke up in bed. Another false awakening?! Damn. I rolled out of bed, this time noticing the sheets were not wet. My heart was racing and I still really had to pee, but at least I didn't really wet the bed. I walked around the foot of the bed towards the bathroom. In the dim light, I saw the silhouette of my girlfriend sit up in bed. "Look!" She yelled. "Look! Look!"

I was already terrified from my creepy nightmare false awakenings. This freaked me out even more. I backed against the wall, and started yelling, "What? What's wrong?!" I peered through the darkness, thinking there must be some intruder, large insect, or animal in our bedroom.

"The blankets," My girlfriend replied. "They are all on your side of the bed. I told you I haven't been stealing them in the middle of the night." I remembered teasing her about this the night before when I woke up naked, while she was wrapped in all the blankets like a burrito. "Go to sleep," I said. Then I went and used the bathroom.