RyanIONIC

Alright, i had a weird dream. Going to write out what i remember lol

basically i decided to visit my sister’s house, so i’m in her living room, and we are both sitting watching the tv (the couch is comically oversized, like we are kids) and one of her cats comes over on the back of the couch. I try petting it and it attacks me. Undeterred, i pull the cat off the back of the couch, hold it in place and begin petting it again. The cat struggles against me holding it, trying to attack me, and i suddenly realize that if i let the cat go, it is gonna fuck my shit up. Like without a doubt. It’s gonna go for my balls or something.

so I keep struggling with the cat petting it and eventually it calms down. Thinking i’m in the clear, i go to let it go, and it glares at me with an expression that basically says “keep petting, bitch”. So, feeling a bit violated and unappreciated, i toss the cat across the room so it can’t turn around and swipe me.

Cut to me watching a scene from the new Batman game. Apparently it’s the forth of july in Gotham, and batman is trying to get to the scene of a crime, but he must go through a large opera building that is filled to the brim with carnival performers and clowns all playing the American national anthem.

So already from this setup, i know the villain is the penguin (because he always employs freaks as his henchman) so i watch batman move through the thick crowd, keeping an eye out on the faces of the carnival people, looking for the main villain. Then batman, as if he just suddenly remembered that he was the fucking batman, shoots a zipline up to the rafters of the enormous building and crawls out through a window.

Batman walks out to the edge of this building, the camera in my dream pulls back, and i see gotham city at night blanketed in shadow with thousands upon thousands of red, white and blue streamers fluttering everywhere. Then batman crosses to the other side of the building, the music begins to build, and he jumps. As he plummets, he suddenly uses his cape to glide, the music itself swells, and as the camera pulls back, i can see this mass of red and blue flashing lights in the distance. Above them, two huge balloons bob loftily in the sky, and a corpse hangs from each one. All the while, this amazing danny elfman-esque music is playing. I wish i could somehow reproduce the exact imagery to show you lol. It was insane.

Suddenly, my brother, sister, her friend bev and his friend Ashley are leaving in a jeep. My brothers driving. As we are going along, me in the backseat, i’m going over how beautiful i thought the scene i just saw from batman was, with the music, and the haunting image of the balloons set against the skyline. Ashley doesn’t really believe me, so i replay the scene for us again, but this time, as batman is falling, you can see that the street and other details are really rough looking, like i had made it in photoshop. “oh, nevermind”

the jeep continues on with my brother driving and me sitting in the back. I’m just sort of staring out the side window when suddenly a giant leopard appears in the center of the road. Now i start freaking out, remembering the cat that was being vicious (and a little domineering) earlier in the dream. So i’m screaming my ass off, and my brother, totally unimpressed by the massive fucking feline tells me to shut up and we continue driving.

We get to a motel to drop everyone off, and my brother stops in the parking lot right in front of the building. Ashley, bev and my sister get out, and i go to switch to the front seat, believing it will be larger. As i exit, a group of elderly Asian men descend upon the vehicle, believing it to be a taxi. I fight through the crowd, knock a few of them down (It’s them or me!!) and hop in the front seat.
Suddenly the front seat is friggin’ tiny, and my knees are sitting above the dash, pressed against the windscreen. Fuuu

my brother and I start driving again and the world itself slowly begins to change from the gloomy gotham city like backdrop to a bright and cartoony one. We drive down into a tunnel and everything becomes really blue. It takes me a moment to realize that the tunnel itself is completely transparent, and we are underwater. I watch the schools of cartoony fish drifting serenely amongst the kelp and seaweed, and i suddenly wonder how strong the glass tunnel is.

My brother turns around in the tunnel, backs up, and not paying much attention, he backs through the tunnel wall without any resistance, and i realize that it isn’t glass, but a transparent force field or something. I’m about to yell at my brother for almost flooding the vehicle when suddenly, no more than ten feet away, i see the Giant leopard again in the water, now wearing a fucking scuba suit...

Holy Shiiiit, i start freaking out yet again, and my brother and I speed away. It’s at this point i realize that i am in a Mario game. Billboards advertising Mushroom Kingdom condominiums and Koopa brand Corn Meal litter the 1920’s esque city. It’s like the tim burton, noir version of gotham has merged with the Mario world. It’s really strange.
So i exit the car, and go stand in this line up outside of this huge walk-in microwave (????) and i shovel some koopa cornmeal out of this container with cartoon animals on it. I think i eat it, and then i start walking around.

As i’m walking around, i suddenly realize i have a tablet computer, so i turn it on, and i am met with a picture of the galaxy with a silhouetted planet in the middle, the letters MMM written over top. Wanting to “pause” the game that i am in, i go through the menus and fail to find the option. “Great,” i say to myself, “I am stuck in the tutorial.”

I continue messing around with the computer when suddenly a robot version of Mario appears on the screen with a cup and five dice. The computer’s avatar explains to me that i need to save the princess with the power of numbers or some shit, and yadda yadda yadda i start rolling the dice a bunch of times. Annoyed that i am not listening, the computer tries to reprimand me, so i tell it to go fuck itself, and i continue rolling the dice again.

This is what you would call a “Bad” idea. This pisses of the computer, and i mean it is PISSED. OFF. It’s eyes begin to glow red, and the screen becomes pixelly and distorted, and the avatar takes on this menacing tone. It looks at me and says “You want to see the full breadth of mah power?!?!” and i’m thinking, “naaaaah” and it’s like “shut up puny mortal!! Witness my majesty!!”

suddenly the dice shake up on the screen and stop, revealing the numbers 5-4-3-2-1 . now I’m pretty unimpressed, and a little disappointed. “That all you got? You can make the dice come up whatever you want? Big deal.” The computer just smiles, and off in the distance i can hear a mechanical whirring noise steadily growing. And the computer just stares at me smiling.

A few minutes pass with the whirring noise growing, and suddenly I understand what’s going on. Seeing that i understand, the computer begins to laugh viciously. “those weren’t just random numbers...” i say coldly, “that was a countdown...”

“YESSS!!!” In a crazed mechanical voice, “NOOWW DIIEEEE!!!” Suddenly the view changes to a first person perspective with a crosshair, and i watch as the computer begins targeting mushroom kingdom skyscrapers and firing upon them with missiles. The scene erupts into chaos, and as a train passes by on an elevated track, the computer targets it and destroys it. I remember hearing all the little toads crying and screaming in pain and thinking “What the fuck kind of Mario is This?!!?”

Then off in the distance i see a small blip. It continues moving across the sky, growing larger and larger, and suddenly i recognize it as an incoming missile. I bail from the seat of some vehicle (not sure where it came from) just as the missile hits it, destroying it and the computer.
Victory! I walk back over to the walk-in Microwave (big WTF on that one) to buy some victory cornmeal, but i quickly discover that the company that made the cornmeal was destroyed in the attack, and now the food of choice is Rice meal. I just have enough time to see that the koopa cornmeal logo has changed when i abruptly woke up.
...
Seriously, no fucking clue where that dream came from lol.