One Must Imagine Sisyphus Happy

The scene begins as if it was only a computer screen. I'm playing Warcraft III (yeah, that old) against some random opponent. I've all but lost; I only have one worker unit left and I'm trying to hide it somewhere on the map. This is poor sportsmanship, but I seem to want to make a joke out of it. My opponent eventually spots me and brings his army. My perspective shifts a bit. It seems I can move real objects into the game. I take a napkin and tear it into 4 smaller pieces. I give them to my in-game unit and lay them out like picnic blankets. When my opponent's army arrives, we have this exchange via the text chat:

Me: Tea time? ;)
They: :)

Okay, I'm happy that they seemed amused at my playfulness. I quit the game and see other programs open on the computer screen. One is a chat window. It seems the text I entered into the game is also in this other chat. Just the usernames are different.

40946q24834028lucy21: Tea time? ;)
146419u158john125409: I'd love to, Lucy ;)

Huh? I think this guy is confused. I look at my username which is just a string of random letters but happens to contain the sequence "lucy". I think of how I might gracefully clarify the misunderstanding. But as I do, the scene changes. Instead of a text chat, I now seem to be in a virtual reality scene of a beach with avatars of the people in the chat. There are about a dozen people, all guys.

I'm still trying to find something to say when everyone's attention is draw to a new participant. It's a very attractive young woman wearing a gray strapless bikini that leaves practically nothing to the imagination. Her hair is dark brown and she wears big sunglasses that hide half her face. Her skin is tan and supple. Needless to say, all the guys on the beach become fixated on her.

She turns to me, as if responding to my "tea time" joke. She struts to me. I'm a bit puzzled. I notice the gaze of all the other guys and I know exactly what's going through their minds. They are like drooling wolves, licking their chops. I am concerned for her. It's just her surrounded by all these lecherous guys. Where is her common sense?

But she is nonchalant. Without asking she links her arm with mine and starts talking. "Ohmigad, that's so funny! We should totally hang out! You have to take me shopping..." And with that, she and I start walking off. We are heading inland from the beach toward a cluster of shops. I suppose I'm leading, but I'm mostly confused and just reacting to what she commanded.

We burst into a grocery store and my new bikini-clad friend starts perusing the shelves. My feelings are mixed. Yes, at least we exited the awkward situation on the beach. But now I'm out of the pan and into the fire. Is this brat taking me for a ride? Does she want me to buy her things? She starts grabbing things and I am dismayed in my thoughts. Shouldn't we at least get a basket to carry things? What are you looking for? Are you just grabbing everything?

She wanders off, looking for more things. I have a moment collect myself. She returns with her arms full of curios and declares "I want everything. I need a bag to carry it. Where can I buy a bag?"

This provokes my cynicism: "Probably with all the other overpriced stuff." My thinking was that you shouldn't buy a shopping bag at the grocery store. Of course they mark that up because you realize you need one too late. But see doesn't catch my sarcasm.

"Oh! I want one that looks like the Monorail!" She links her arm in mine again and drags me toward another department of goods for sale. I don't know what to make of this. She seems to be a scatterbrain but her plucky attitude is almost charming. She is now grabbing at handbags and that has drawn the attention of a male security guard.

I try to take in the scene. This girl, still in a gray bikini that is practically painted on and her obnoxiously large sunglasses indoors. My arms full of the junk she wants to buy. The security guard interloping, and who knows what his intentions are.

The girl starts bickering with the security guard. Maybe he accused her of trying to steal? Or maybe he was trying to hit on her? I can't follow it all, but this girl is definitely the center of her own universe. The security guard backs away. It seems he's met his match.

She turns to me. Those giant sunglasses hide any attempt I try to read her. She just smirks and marches up to me. I have a sudden change of heart. Maybe this is just who she is. Who am I to judge? She hasn't hurt anyone. She certainly makes an impression and maybe she's a little crazy, but who isn't? Accepting her now, I know what to do. I offer my elbow and she gleefully links her arm in mine again. We strut off to the cashier. Who's gonna pay for all this?

I am waiting in line on a road to cross a bridge. It is night but the surrounding area is lit by street lamps. The bridge is a massive thing that arches up about 10 stories and off into the distance. The other side is obscured by fog. I'm a bit nervous. I'm even a little frightful of bridges in waking life.

My turn comes and I approach the foot of the bridge. Between me and the incline, there are a scattering of odd looking concrete ramps and obstacles. It looks like a skate park. I wait. Then a guard tells me to go. I wander between the obstacles and onto the bridge. It's a steep climb up the arch. I forget most of this part. Maybe it skipped by until I was on the other side.

I arrive on the other side. It's a bit lighter now, but still foggy, overcast, and gray. I turn back to look at the bridge and remember that there was someone with me. And I see her. It's Jennifer, who is an ex-girlfriend from waking like.

What are you doing here, Jen... You aren't supposed to be in my dreams anymore. I look at her wistfully. I study her face. She has a pale round face and long straight black hair. She looks a bit older, but it's definitely her. It would have been 10 years since I last saw her, so that makes sense. Without delving too deeply into it, I touch the part of my psyche where my feelings about Jennifer are kept. It's a mix of infatuation and pain and anger. Hate, even. All wrapped in regret. Mostly regret. It doesn't trouble me anymore. It's like a jigsaw puzzle that I solved years ago. When you solve a puzzle, you are left with an image. You can still see the jigsaw lines and know it was a puzzle, but that seems secondary now.

We don't say anything. She has an expression of nervous fear. Is she afraid of me? I wouldn't blame her if she was. Maybe she is apprehensive about what might happen next. Or maybe she's still in shock from the unsettling bridge crossing.

Show her kindness, I think to myself. I offer my stretched hand to guide her. Her expression doesn't change but her hand meets mine, accepting my offer. I can't change the past but I can do my best in this moment. I turn toward the horizon and lead on.

This is an essay about what I've learned from previous dreams.

I am ready to end this chapter in my dreamlife and real life. It was about seeking wisdom. Years ago, I chose to seek wisdom because I had become disillusioned with mere intelligence. Intelligence is nice but it is an inborn talent. I was dismayed by the reality that intelligence is so often abused and fetishized. Wisdom is a greater thing. Wisdom is earned and transmitted.

I'm not giving up on wisdom, just broadening my goals. I will detail that in a separate essay. For now, I want to tie up some loose ends from The Dreaming. Some of these where hard lessons and realizations. But that is the nature of wisdom.

I learned what The Goddess is hiding behind her Mona Lisa smile and it is nothing profound. She had dental braces as a kid and was embarrassed by them, just like I was as a kid. That's why she doesn't speak either. She is self-conscious about opening her mouth.

Similarly, The Goddess won't reveal her real name because she is ashamed of it, again as I was of my name when I was kid. Whatever her real name is, she feels it doesn't fit her so she would rather use an assumed name. I chose the name Michael and I chose the name Gabrielle for her. I might stick with that for now. I might call her "Gabby." That will develop in future dreams.

The Goddess isn't a femme fatale tease. She isn't aloof. She is shy, just like I am. That's why she's always running away, avoiding eye contact, and dodging questions. She is me. She is not an ideal. She is a person trying to shape her identity as best she can. It is a put-on, but that's a very honest and real thing for a person to do.

Everything else, as was revealed by The Goddess, relates to baseball. This is no-doubt influenced by the movie Field of Dreams as well as a book I recently read called Baseball as a Road to God. The Field is a baseball field. But it's just grass. What is missing is the dirt infield. That would be the clay from the clay and the potter. The Goddess and I are angels because I live in Los Angeles and one of the two local baseball teams is call the Angels. They wear red. The other team is the Dodgers and they wear blue. All the symbolism of names and colors is just arbitrary, just like sports teams have names and colors to identify themselves. The Giants are orange. The Athletics are green. It's all just identity, not necessarily meaning.

Baseball has a separate meaning to me and it relates to The Moon, too. When I was a kid, I wanted to be either a baseball player or an astronaut. That was my "dream" (aspiration). As an adult, I think I'm trying to fulfill those dreams. After my encounter with The Goddess about baseball, my next plan was to build a baseball field on The Moon. That would be the ultimate fantasy: to be both a baseball player and an astronaut. That's how I arrived at this conclusion about wisdom. In the end, all my thoughts evolve from my past and my influences. In some ways, I'm still that little boy. I am not an observer of reality. I am a participant. I am immersed in the totality of my experience.

There's more. I could go on and on about Field of Dreams and The Players and the layers of symbolism. I think it's enough though. I'm ready to accept that I am not just an observer. I am an actor. That is why I leave this initial pursuit of wisdom and instead seek virtue because virtue entails action.