That was a great lucid, interesting. About the crosses, I would say that you threw it away because of fear, maybe fear of seeing something you didn't want or would not understand. If you are questioning this, I belive there is no way that you dissociated yourself from god or religion. I am not a religious person, but that's what I can see. If you doubt something, you can't say that you have a final word on it, and I don't mean a final word to others, but to yourself.