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    Thread: Please give me an opinion on my friend and mixed messages

    1. #1
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      Please give me an opinion on my friend and mixed messages

      May I say in advance if the time jumps, I want to try to make this chronological. I found out a few months ago between a mutual friend that she thought I loved her less then 3 months after we became really good friends. He told me "You know she spoke of you liking her a lot." He then told me, when I asked when she told him around the time of her trip which would make it before late April of 2013, and mind you we really hit it off in January. He told me later his opinion whereas he said "Well, I know you care for her and her well being as much as a friend can but you don't cross lines" Once I asked what he meant by crossing the lines he siad "You are not being the "knight in shining armor" but you are a protector". Rewind back to Late April, We really became best of friends.I told her that my friend who know I rarely text, text her a lot and one day they told me that they thought the two of us were daiting. She said "we are not dating. But I do love and adore you. Don't you go liking them better than me, now!" Fast Foward a few months, There was one night she had a lot of wine and she scared her self and I said "good one sweetie, I'm oh so tempted on calling you baby girl." She Said "I liiiike! It's fitting. And funny, since you're my old man." She calls me Old man Due to my choice in music but i am younger than her but she continues with "Haha that makes you the creepy old pedophile dude hahahaha -- ooo and me the innocent victim, how scandalous." Again I fast foward, I gave her a hypothecial of what would happen if we accidently went into a friends with benefits relationship. She said, "I thought you were joking about the friends with benefits hypothecial, I would never want that. What we have is so much more special than that. You're my one and only best friend. You're one of the most important people in my life,. Why would you want to ruin that?" Again another fast foward, I saw her for her birthday and we had a day out in the city, well she kept teasing me over my choice of music so I pinched her in the ass as a tease back for teasing me over my music, well surfice to say later on she told me I can do it in private becuase It would look too boyfriend girlfriendy. The Current month, She is having an issue with our mutual friend and he sent her the entire chatlog between me and him the month before and he though I bad mouthed him when we finally talked but before I talked to him, I got this from her"I'll go into detail later but suffice to say, I love you. I saw what you said to [Name Redacted] and it reminded me how lucky I am to have you. You make my heart sing when you come to my defense like you did. Te amo." I think
      She has hidden attraction for me? What do you think her feelings are for me.
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    2. #2
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      She clearly likes you, but like you, she doesn't really know if you're into her, romantically, so she doesn't try to initiate anything.
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    3. #3
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      perhaps i'm a little slow but trying to read that really confused the shit out of me. anyway, i can't give an opinion about your friend as i've never interacted with this person and am only going by what you type.


      What do you think her feelings are for me.
      why not ask her yourself?
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    4. #4
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      I can draw 3 possible conclusions.

      The 1st has happened to me and sucks. It is so common it is joked bout in sitcom all the time. "The Friend Zone" Many women are afraid that by dating someone they will loose the friendship if anything goes wrong. In the future remember this. Move fast. When you are getting to know a girl, never think that you will have an easier time getting intimate with her AFTER you have formed a deep friendship. That is not how it happens, because of "The Friend Zone." Hopefully you are attractive enough, if not learn what it takes to be, and do it. I am not saying you should not marry your best friend. I am saying get the idea of romance out there as a suggestion within some short time frame, then if you become romantic, then build a friendship. If you are "stuck in the friend zone" you will likely not be able to fix it. Here is the only way I can think t fix it,,, see the next part...

      The second thing is that you foolishly suggested 'friends with benefits.' Girls generally hate that. They may be friends with benefits, because they got with a guy early in the friendship, but they normally will be seeing if it has potential for a committed relationship. If this girl knows you are dear to her, then friends with benefits would be impossible for her, and the suggestion a bit insulting. You need to decide if committed dating is what you want, and drop the idea of FWB. If you like the true boyfriend/girlfriend thing, you must advance in a way that flatters and honors her.
      However, you must be realistic,,, see the next part...

      The third option is she is not attracted to you physically or in your demeanor. Let's say your are overweight, or have an ethnic look she does not like. You may be wearing very unattractive glass and need a proper haircut. In this case it would be very hard for a young girl to want to date you. It may seem unfair, but it is life. If so, then you need to honestly work on becoming what she may be attracted to. Not only her, but girls in general. You may never get this girl, but you may develop towards being attracted by thinking about what she may want. 30 lbs overweight? It always is unattractive to everyone (no matter if they lie to themselves and their spouse). Do not cry, get out and change it.

      Those are some general ideas of the 3 things that may be happening.

      What can be done? Assume the best case is #2 with a little of #1 and none of #3 That is she would want a real boy friend and is a bit insulted by FWB. She also has a "friend zone" feeling, but it is not a rigid unchangeable type. That is best case. Here is what I would do...

      Start a conversation with her about dating. Do not start with randomly asking her to be your girlfriend. Tell her you have been wondering what kind of things girls are attracted to. Then honestly listen and keep it light. This should be in the tone of a friendly chat, not an interview. Then ask her if she would help you work on your image, because you would eventually want to have a special person of your own. If she says you a great they way you are, then tell her you really want an idea of something you can work on that will make you attractive to girls. This could even be just a small personality trait, to weight loss or a hair cut. Light and friendly here! Use this conversation to get a feel for her reaction. Hopefully she will make it clear if you are going to be able to be the kind of guy she would want. If she honestly seems positive about your attractiveness, or if her suggestions are easy enough (loose 20 lbs and get some nicer cloths) then work on that stuff. It will benefit you no matter what.

      If after this chat you get the feeling you are attractive enough for her then it is time to ask her an honest question. In a light hearted friendly manner (not an interview!) ask her if she could ever picture the two of you as a real couple? Do not make a big deal out of it, do not interrupt and stammer, or try to back away. Just see what she says. If she asks you something like what do you mean by a real couple, then you have a very good chance. If she swiftly and clearly says you are too good a friend, well you may not be able to overcome it. If she asks what you mean by real couple, do not get to stammering and talking. You want to listen to her. Simply answer in a couple sentences or less. Perhaps, "I just mean, can you picture us really dating like boyfriend and girlfriend. I think I could, but have you ever thought about it?".

      What happens past that point will be up to you. Hope that helps.
      LouaiB likes this.
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    5. #5
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      Quote Originally Posted by sivason View Post
      I can draw 3 possible conclusions.

      The 1st has happened to me and sucks. It is so common it is joked bout in sitcom all the time. "The Friend Zone" Many women are afraid that by dating someone they will loose the friendship if anything goes wrong. In the future remember this. Move fast. When you are getting to know a girl, never think that you will have an easier time getting intimate with her AFTER you have formed a deep friendship. That is not how it happens, because of "The Friend Zone." Hopefully you are attractive enough, if not learn what it takes to be, and do it. I am not saying you should not marry your best friend. I am saying get the idea of romance out there as a suggestion within some short time frame, then if you become romantic, then build a friendship. If you are "stuck in the friend zone" you will likely not be able to fix it. Here is the only way I can think t fix it,,, see the next part...

      The second thing is that you foolishly suggested 'friends with benefits.' Girls generally hate that. They may be friends with benefits, because they got with a guy early in the friendship, but they normally will be seeing if it has potential for a committed relationship. If this girl knows you are dear to her, then friends with benefits would be impossible for her, and the suggestion a bit insulting. You need to decide if committed dating is what you want, and drop the idea of FWB. If you like the true boyfriend/girlfriend thing, you must advance in a way that flatters and honors her.
      However, you must be realistic,,, see the next part...

      The third option is she is not attracted to you physically or in your demeanor. Let's say your are overweight, or have an ethnic look she does not like. You may be wearing very unattractive glass and need a proper haircut. In this case it would be very hard for a young girl to want to date you. It may seem unfair, but it is life. If so, then you need to honestly work on becoming what she may be attracted to. Not only her, but girls in general. You may never get this girl, but you may develop towards being attracted by thinking about what she may want. 30 lbs overweight? It always is unattractive to everyone (no matter if they lie to themselves and their spouse). Do not cry, get out and change it.

      Those are some general ideas of the 3 things that may be happening.

      What can be done? Assume the best case is #2 with a little of #1 and none of #3 That is she would want a real boy friend and is a bit insulted by FWB. She also has a "friend zone" feeling, but it is not a rigid unchangeable type. That is best case. Here is what I would do...

      Start a conversation with her about dating. Do not start with randomly asking her to be your girlfriend. Tell her you have been wondering what kind of things girls are attracted to. Then honestly listen and keep it light. This should be in the tone of a friendly chat, not an interview. Then ask her if she would help you work on your image, because you would eventually want to have a special person of your own. If she says you a great they way you are, then tell her you really want an idea of something you can work on that will make you attractive to girls. This could even be just a small personality trait, to weight loss or a hair cut. Light and friendly here! Use this conversation to get a feel for her reaction. Hopefully she will make it clear if you are going to be able to be the kind of guy she would want. If she honestly seems positive about your attractiveness, or if her suggestions are easy enough (loose 20 lbs and get some nicer cloths) then work on that stuff. It will benefit you no matter what.

      If after this chat you get the feeling you are attractive enough for her then it is time to ask her an honest question. In a light hearted friendly manner (not an interview!) ask her if she could ever picture the two of you as a real couple? Do not make a big deal out of it, do not interrupt and stammer, or try to back away. Just see what she says. If she asks you something like what do you mean by a real couple, then you have a very good chance. If she swiftly and clearly says you are too good a friend, well you may not be able to overcome it. If she asks what you mean by real couple, do not get to stammering and talking. You want to listen to her. Simply answer in a couple sentences or less. Perhaps, "I just mean, can you picture us really dating like boyfriend and girlfriend. I think I could, but have you ever thought about it?".

      What happens past that point will be up to you. Hope that helps.
      I will try that one day hopefully coming up. When I even use the term relationship generalised I get quickly back we are not in a relationship we have a very deep friendship. I can say to the second one she never did answer that hypothetical at all. I can say I do need to lose weight, we actually have a deal I lose a certain amount and she will quit smoking.

      Quote Originally Posted by Marvo View Post
      She clearly likes you, but like you, she doesn't really know if you're into her, romantically, so she doesn't try to initiate anything.
      I think she does not want to rock the boat.
      LouaiB likes this.

    6. #6
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      There are women who will NEVER date or make out with a man who is overweight. I have been in the exact situation. Even 20 lbs can destroy your chances. It is not hard to loose 1 lbs a week. It takes work, but anyone can do it.

      If it has come up, please, do not mention relationship to her until you have lost it. Any one can loose 50 lbs in a year by loosing 1 lbs a week.
      Last edited by sivason; 11-15-2013 at 05:07 AM.
      LouaiB likes this.
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    7. #7
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      great what Sivason said. And try to be honest and calm all the time. Also, don't say any unnesesary things that you wouldn't wanna hear if you were in here situation.
      Good Luck!!
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      I fill my heart with fire, with passion, passion for what makes me nostalgic. A unique perspective fuels my fire, makes me discover new passions, more nostalgia. I love it.

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      Add me as a friend!!!

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