Linkzelda's Dream Journal

06.04.2013

Fix Yourself Instead of Fixing Others (WILD)

NON-DREAM DREAM LUCID

We're in a room, the fancy hotels that would have a large glass window that let's you see the city and beyond. I'm wearing a blue polo shirt and black jeans, I tried not looking at her for a while and decided to focus on something rather than her.

I don't know why, things felt awkward, so I continued to look at the darkness over the window. The room we were in was at least 200 feet or so above the ground. I didn't focus on the city itself, just the darkness. The moon is beautiful just using peripheral vision, it illuminates the bland structure of this simulated city.

Eva: You know looking at the city is not really real.

Me: I just wanted to enjoy the view, even if it's just simulation.

Eva: You didn't come all this way just to look at a city, or the sky, or the moon. You came to see me right?

Me: .............


Eva: Don't be shy, there's nothing wrong with you wanting to see me. Wait, are you afraid of what people will think about you just because of me? Remember what happened to those people who mocked you right?

They were just distractions, they prevented you from having fun, even though you knew it was all a dream, and not reality.


I turned around, ignored the city view and decided to sit at the edge of the bed Eva was resting on. The bed is kind of hard to describe, all I know is that there was a bed, and that it consisted of a dark maroon color with different shades of red. The bed was comfortable, but I just wanted to sit at the edge before things get too comfortable in this room.

Me: They were my friends Eva.


Eva: Sure they were your friends, but they didn't really take your behavior too kindly. You let them drain all the kinds of fun you could've had.


I slowly turned around to her, slightly irritated, but she was clearly right. Instead of trying to argue, I decided to let her give her own opinions on how I reacted towards these people. I felt a complete sense of privacy within this dream, only one person to really focus on. There was a brown desk to the right of her, and it had a lamp shining with a hue of yellow. The base of the lamp was a laminated brown marble texture with mixes of white, gray, and milky yellow.


Eva: Come a little closer.


I decided to just freeze and not make a move. She takes the dark maroon bedsheet and gets closer to me.


Eva: I'm just kidding silly, come on, lighten up.


I still didn't know what to do, I decided to just let her take action.


She's just wearing a black bra and underwear, and she gets closer to the left side of my shoulder. She wraps her arms around me and we stayed like this for a few minutes. I started to phase out, slowly feeling her presence around me. The feelings were mixed, and I decided it was best to let whatever happen, happen.

She broke the silence and went back to the topic on my experiences with friends overall.


Eva: You spent more time satisfying these people more than being pleased with yourself. As long as you had an emotional bond with them, you respected them no matter how they looked like. You even allowed yourself to almost fail college just so you can help another friend out.


Me: But she really had a difficult time...


Eva: Yes, but you're not responsible for her life.


Me: But she was my friend.


Eva: Do friends almost make you fail college?



Me: Tch.....you really are honest aren't you?


Eva: Isn't that what you wanted me to be?


I closed my eyes and thought things over, it was the first time in a long time since I talked with someone in my dreams where they struck a nerve on me a few times. I realized I shifted my perspective back to myself near the glass window, except this time, I was bracing my back against it.

I had my left leg up forming an "A" and had my right leg completely stretched out. I decided to look at the bottom of the bed with the dark maroon sheets hanging all the way, almost touching the floor. I still didn't want to look at her directly, but at least have her in my peripheral vision.

I did it so that I would have more focus on her because I would be forced to see her presence. She gets off the bed and slowly walks towards me. I looked down on the dark red carpet with random circular designs. I get a bit anxious, but I quickly realized that I'm being a wimp for nothing since this is just a dream.


Eva: Come on, she wanted you to have some fun for yourself, there's no point feeling depressed about her, she has her own life to worry about.


I'm back at the edge of the bed again, focusing on her with my peripheral vision once more, and she sits to the back of me, spreads her legs and locks them around my waist. She moves her arms under mine, wraps them on my stomach and places her head on my back.

Eva: Instead of trying to fix others, try fixing yourself. You shouldn't feel awkward around me, I'm just trying to help you. You're thinking about the worst case scenarios, and you wonder why it's so difficult for you to find me.

You're already aware that this whole experience is within the confines of your mind, and you shouldn't let other people's opinions affect what you want to do with your life, both in waking and dreaming.

Those same people who tried to change you ended up leaving you and forgetting about you, they focused on their own lives, and you should do the same. You realized that no matter how much you wanted to help people, that virtue has its limits. There's no point in trying to cleanse a person of their doubts and guilt, there are just some things people want to hold on to because of the memories behind them.

I'm sure most people have at least one experience that they regret, and they let it drag them down. You shouldn't try to help them fix their problems if they're consistently showing that they don't want to forgive themselves. What hope is there for a person who doesn't want to help themselves? The only thing you can do is to simply have faith that they will make the right decision.

You have to try your best and keep pushing forward, and I'm more than happy to help you. If you really want to live your dreams, you have to be willing to make difficult choices, even if it means forgetting your friends. It also means allowing yourself to change in order to accomplish those goals, there's no point letting other people drag you down; don't become too fixated with their lives that you forget about your own responsibilities.

Do you even know what you want to do in the future?


Me: [*editing that part out*]
I just want to continue pursuing knowledge and developing myself, is that so wrong?

Eva: No, I didn't say it was, but I..............


editing that part out >_>