side notes

26.04.2011

No Big Get-Off (Non-lucid)

NON-DREAM DREAM LUCID

*Sexually explicit (though rather clinical, lol. No big get-off to be had here :p)
*Rough draft

Visuals took over my meditation. I wasn’t that tired, this has been happening lately. I want to research this. It kind of feels like falling asleep but sometimes I’m aware of my body and the binaural water sounds I’m listening to as well. Maybe sleep paralysis? I really should read up.

Walking in my home
I used to live with a man here but I broke up with him, I think
I see some items that are colorful, 3 that go together
I'm in the bed we used to sleep in together. I lay around a bit. At one point looking out the large window and the white light barely tinted with blue.

I decide to give head to myself
Wondering if I’d like the taste
The taste wasn’t very obvious; it was fine
I want to try different things
I’m reacting to it and can feel it at the same time
I see my hips lift, but I feel like I'm laying below myself at the same time with my head between my legs, of course. :p
It was pretty clinical. I was figuring out my anatomy and pleasure reactions more than really trying to get off.
Kinda tentative at first
Licking it feels nice but too general
Sucking on my clit is pretty pleasurable I think
Pressing my chin onto it
The general pressure feels very good, like I could eventually cum like that
Hips lifting in reaction to the pleasure I’m giving myself
Pressing hard makes my chin and pubic bone pretty sore, but my clit is happy. I stop the chin method
grazing my teeth against my clit feels like a bit of a stab of pleasure, a bit too intense but a nice “jump start” to be used occasionally
Nibbling my clit with my teeth feels too sharp

A man comes over and we’re going to a concert together, some alternative rock group I used to like pretty well in high school but wasn’t that crazy about

Got into the car with one of the guys who came to my house, we’re driving together. I’m driving, and the other guy has another car. He is a bit surly. We go to the corner convenience store. Something somewhat significant happens inside (with the man at the counter? I was watching through the window?)

I remember I have to get something for the concert, a set of 3 items that pertain to the band. The items are important. One was a kind of book. They were like a key to something and would be recognized (by the band?). The surly guy was annoyed. I brushed his annoyance off.

We had time, there would be an opening band, I imagined and told the guy in my car. He agreed and said something about me being on top of the planning. I questioned that I was, thinking I had procrastinated and that I was lucky there is probably an opening band which I hadn’t taken into account before. I thought that if there wasn’t an opening band we’d be late.

Driving into my old small curved driveway (where I lived in waking life in high school). When entering it I focus on its small entrance and how it is pretty awkward to veer into it but I do. A tree has overgrown but I pull up enough for the guy in the car behind to have easier access to the house's door as well. The tree’s branches come into the window and they’re more solid than I’d thought. They kinda hurt and I wonder about being able to open the door.

I had the 3 items I think, got to the concert, there are different rooms/areas
The concert hasn’t started in the main, larger area. The opening group will play in a smaller room that we go to. There are chain link fences. I sit on the bleachers. I am alone, the man has gone off somewhere and will come back and I think the surly guy left a bit before that.

Old school, old teacher, Claudia and another
Claudia was being strict about the students sitting in rows of two. Katie, a student, kept sitting where she wanted over and over. Claudia kept correcting/directing her. Katie seemed like she was somewhat unconscious of her actions, and also quietly (subconsciously, perhaps) angry and dismissing, like she was telling them to leave her the hell alone silently.

I didn’t have a very good seat. I'm in the section to the side of the area where the students were sitting. The other teacher (Leigh?) called my name as if I was still a student. I knew it was a better seat and she gave me a look like she knew I wasn’t supposed to be grouped with them but she was going to pretend she didn’t and make an exception so I could have a better seat. After a couple moments’ hesitation I stood, picked up my backpack and another item, and went to go sit there. Claudia noticed and said something. The other teacher gave a vague argument about why I should be fine sitting there. Claudia was strict, enforced the rules. Leigh gave me a subtly exasperated look mixed with a c'est la vie look about Claudia. I kinda shrugged and sat back down and felt a little embarrassed in front of the students.

I saw a man I had dream memories of. We had been around each other regularly. He was like Adam (a man who had been a gay porn star I used to be friendly with in waking life. We always had a fun time, joking and being silly and also emotionally and physically affectionate. He had one of those vibrant, open personalities that didn’t seem needy, more just loving. He did little things, like when I was a waitress and had been serving him and his life partner, he poked his head into the back of the restaurant where I was making espressos and handed me the folded-up tip all furtive-like. He whispered matter-of-factly, “thanks for the blowjob.”, turned, and went back to his table. Leaving me cracking up. Very deadpan and playful at the same time, so much fun.) So, this dream character had the spirit of Adam and looked like Ozzy Osbourne (they are a bit similar in looks in some ways in waking life).

I recalled dream memories of being around him daily because of people we were friends with. They seemed rich and extravagant. He and I would peripherally interact in these memories and there was a sadness there too, like we were sad we had a lot of distance between us. When I saw him at the concert, he was guarded emotionally. I initiated talking with him and he was hesitant. I told him I miss seeing him every day. He started to warm up and we linked arms and walked as we talked. He was surprised I missed him, saying “you did?” and I could feel him melting. I reaffirmed that I did. He warmed up a little more and invited me on a skiing trip and started to name-drop a bit about people who would be there (in real life he spent time and was close to famous people and he, or at least they, tended to like to name drop). It felt kinda cold and superficial, but I was excited at the prospect of going at the same time.

Our walking took us down, into what felt like the basement/garage of this amphitheater. He wanted to show it to me.

annoyed at waste, men working

Trenches for planks of wood, band members one of whom was shooting up

I’m outdoors, walking on a long balcony. Men to my left in rooms working on projects (with saws and whatnot…you know, picking up heavy objects and putting them back down) My thumb caught on a round electric saw attached to and hanging over the balcony’s railing. The tooth of the saw was slightly deformed and it was caught on my thumb without scraping much. I carefully extract my thumb so as not to cut myself more and reflect on that. The saw feels like it almost has a hold on it.There is some pain.

Grey’s anatomy short black doctor woman "Nazi" and another familiar but not famous woman had been trying to flag me down before then with some papers she wanted me to sign. I had seen but had been doing some other things. She expressed annoyance. I held my boundaries and stayed good natured.The solid short woman took my thumb; it was bleeding. Her finger came close to touching the cut/scrape like she was fascinated. I pulled it away before she could touch it and was like, don’t touch it! Um, aren’t you like a doctor? She kinda shrugged and looked to the side.

I felt emotionally strong in this dream
Another man (a doctor?) asks me out. I wasn’t expecting him too. I felt comfortable and wanted him to. He was kind of constrained but I understood why.

Cousin, aunt/CJ/Diane Hamilton interruption of me and the man.

At that point I lost the sense of emotional expression balanced with a calm and acceptance stance toward my emotions that held their intensity in check without trying to. I got angry and quiet.

Woke breathing hard, angry…with Charles in Charge theme song going through my mind, lmao. It is still being sung in my mind as I write this. Joy…*crazy face*

Oh, and my thumb still kind of hurts. When I picked up my laptop to write this the pressure and roughness of the cushion exacerbated the pain a bit.

From 4/22/11

• Ask what I can or should do for my insomnia / odd sleeping schedules - so that I can have more of an option to join in events that typically occur during the day on a regular basis.
• Create a computer program; come up with ideas for computer programs
• Explore my waking life meditative dream house and characters (I had a significant series of meditations that stemmed from a dream years ago. It was part of the work I was doing with a Jungian counselor.)
• Write jokes or ask dream characters for jokes (develop more enjoyment and free playful thinking)
• Ask about career goals and how to bring them about

From 4/22/11

While listening to 60 minutes delta binaural audio
Body kept jerking, releasing energy and/or resisting releasing
Discomfort, feel sick (am getting sick, a cold I think…yep, I can confirm this days later)
The pads of my feet hurt
Want to turn my head and sleep
Visuals coming and going


Then I do FFEDCIDA practice (Face, Feel, Expand, Dissipate, Coalesce, Integrate, Decide, Take Action)
(I want to add "simultaneous opposites combining"; it feels like it belongs around expanding, dissipating, and/or coalescing)

Muddy orange color
In large geometric pattern in my stomach
Like a cube but more complex, diagonal layer
Unfolding, shifting, almost clunking but that’s not the right word

Thought of being sick as a baby, when I was so sick it scared my mom
Out of control, discomfort, nothing to do, angry at being controlled
Angry and helpless and fucking pissed

Anger dissipating – fast, whirlwinds out
Into nothing, blackness?
It feels like the blackness is almost closing in on it, eating it

Fear…of that blackness, I’m somewhat ashamed to admit
Opulent white swirling energy I used to use when I did massage and subtle energy work to surround myself reaches up and twines with the orange
It feels right
Twining, like oil and water, such different energies. The orange static, the white multidimensionally hued, shifting around, how will they come together? I watch.
What is that white energy? Gratitude, it seems.
Deep gratitude like in the last lucid dream.
It is coming together
This lasts a while

The energy straightens into brown, tree-like texture
Logs almost
But hollow
One settles across the back of my body at my shoulders, holding them strong
Two more down my torso’s sides
Strength
Body feels healthier
Whole body jerks, back arches
One has settled in my spine, up my neck?

Feeling grounded
After getting up, I recalled that when I had used that white swirly energy as a protection when I did massage and energy work, I also put a shell up around it that looked like the texture and color of those logs. I think I got some backbone back.

Apparently anger and gratitude can be a powerful mixture. Mixture isn’t quite the right word, it is as if they partially combust and transform when mixed to make something new. I’d say alchemy but that just sounds too hooey.

not that this whole thing wouldn't to most people.

WAKING LIFE DREAMING LUCID
BOLD IF IT FEELS PARTICULARLY SIGNIFICANT

From 4/22/11

Computer screen
Trying to do something important
Black screen with white lettering popped up. A warning. A long, deep warning.

I’m not sure if I felt very concerned about the warning, it may have seemed superficial emotionally. I’ve waited too many days to look back on it though, to really remember.

WAKING LIFE DREAMING LUCID
BOLD IF IT FEELS PARTICULARLY SIGNIFICANT

This is a complete but rough draft
From a couple nights ago


Spirituality's Just a Clunky Flashlight: Surprise Gratitude

I wasn’t expecting to have another lucid dream. Not since I did the other night after probably years of not remembering a lucid dream. I wasn’t even particularly focused on it last night, I was more interested in the emotional processing of dreams I’ve been remembering.

Before falling asleep, I went into the deepest meditation I think I’ve experienced before. During this meditation I was using audio with delta binaural (as well as other aspects) for the first time. I had used the demo before, before falling asleep and having the first lucid dream in this journal. That was the first lucid dream I remembered in a long time and it happened maybe 3 nights before the lucid dream in this journal entry.

There were many exceptionally vivid visuals that arose during the meditation. I kept coming back to my breath, but sometimes would just give in to the feeling of witnessing instead, feeling like why focus on the breath if that’s not the real point? Being the Witness is. Then I would lose my deeper connection with witnessing and come back to my breath. Cyclic.

I finished the meditation, rolled on my side, and meditated a bit without audio. I jumped when my name and something else was said in my ear. It seemed like a loud voice because of my stillness, but it was a whisper as if coming from a man, a lover, behind me. It was just so real and audible that it startled me.

I fell asleep normally, not trying to WILD or whatnot.

My mom in the living room, then in my room. Us conversing throughout this. Having the sense that I’m both in my living room and in my bed asleep simultaneously. She kind of giggles at me. I wonder if she’s there with me or not, if I’m hallucinating or something. She comes to my room and I’m only there, not in two places at once anymore. My window is open and there is a breeze. I ask her to close it for me; I don’t want to get up. She starts to close just the blinds and I ask her to close the window as well. She does. (Was some man coming toward the window, flying?)

I thought, this is a dream.

Darkness, vague sense of my body and no surroundings, as if I had my eyes closed in the dream. A strong, turning slowly in bed sensation. I couldn’t control it. slowly, over, over, tipping the sensation of falling at the same time. The slow shift ended.

Walking, it is rather dark around me, a kind of muddy and empty yet dense darkness, like mist. Around something, turning, perhaps it was a small gate that I walked around.

The dream felt very ordinary. Almost disappointing.

meditated for a few breaths but then

wanted to experiment with other things

Asked to see my higher self (I don’t think I reflected on the forum thread specifically, but knew it was something I wanted to do.)

A muted gray "wheel of fortune" with different faces on it, spinning slowly. alternating panels of dark grey and darker grey. Thought it was a very fitting image for how I conceive of a higher self intellectually.

Kinda sorta looked like this

Seemed somewhat boring, too intellectual.

I asked to see what I “need to see”. saw a white light in nothing, black background.

Questioned what I was seeing, like, this? Thought of typical images of god as light.

After waking I thought of the similarities to Alex Grey’s God sacred mirror painting. Similar colors.

I looked for depth in the light but it seemed kind of boring. Again, too intellectual perhaps. On reflection, was it the center of that higher self wheel?

After thinking it was boring, another light moved into my vision as if responding to my thought. I realized it had been there but I hadn’t seen it. It was so bright when I started to focus on it. I questioned that this was really what I needed to see, thought I was just making it up. I reflected on the light being there all along, but I hadn’t seen it next to the dullish moon-like first light. The bright light fell onto the dark ground next to me. It clattered and I saw it was a flashlight.

I guess I dismissed it, that is the feeling I have after waking, and felt joy at being lucid in the dream world

I took a moment to feel gratitude and amazement at this lucid experience. I remembered a show I’d seen the other day about dreaming and how the brain comes alive with activity more than at any other time. I saw that clear image of the brain and nervous system pulsing with activity, inside my body. Deep, shimmering, pervasive gratitude hit and filled me.

Similar to the end of this video.

I felt grateful for being in this state and a deep appreciation and almost affection for my body for allowing it. It felt like this state was healing me. It was that awed, blissful feeling in dreams that I desire to experience more.

I looked around and saw a lit up tunnel in the dark distance, like a tunnel for cars. I decided to try to conjure something. What popped into my conscious mind was a baby and I immediately tried to conjure one. (Odd because in waking life I don’t feel much desire to have a baby, though I love to be around them.) The attempt at conjuring was so quick, it seemed to step on the heel of the thought of a baby. I wanted to give it love and feel its love.

A cat had already been walking up to me. Small, solid, short haired. I concentrated on changing it and a baby’s light transparent image superimposed over the cat for a second but that cat wasn’t going away. I thought about learning more about dream control and gave up on the baby thought.

The cat talked in a witch’s type voice. (Funny, now I remember that I had been listening to Ken Wilber the day before this dream and I’d thought about Ken’s voice being grating and nasal, kind of like a witch.)

The cat seemed sinister.

I picked it up, being careful not to hurt it. Held it like a baby, then shifted it into a more upright position. I thought of it being like Chaos, (my loved and peculiar cat that died a few years ago,) but no, not Chaos.

The physical sensations in this dream were very obvious. The light breeze, the cat against my chest and under my hands.

The cat said it wanted a kiss in that same crackling, grinding, deep yet high witch’s voice. I wasn’t sure if it would hurt me or not. I took its face in my hand and held its mouth closed and gave it a kiss.

I remember its teeth and the feel against my lips.

I was afraid of being bitten (the only times I’ve remembered feeling intense physical pain in dreams was when I was bitten. It has happened twice.)

It was talking like it wanted to hurt things. I kind of tuned it out while I tried to decide what to do. I thought it was talking about wanting to hurt a baby and other darkness, I could hear it but I was only half-hearing and half-aware. It kept talking on and on.

At some point I flew low to the ground

That tunnel, somewhat lit, going into it. On my feet now. The cat still in my arms. Did I put it down? I think so.

Fear and darkness, though I wasn’t completely overcome by the fear. I remember looking down to the other end of the tunnel.

The dream changed

Walking slowly through an office
many people at desks in this main room
one man I identify with emotionally as I walk by is creative
he is conjuring a model/landscape of buildings on his desk that rise up slowly and gracefully

much like the Game of Thrones intro.

The young man seemed very creatively developed but he felt stuck and repressed.

I felt myself fading out of the dream slowly, into nothingness. Nothingness for a bit. I hoped I wasn’t coming out of the dream. Heard a sound, realized it was like breathing. I still felt like I was sleeping. Still. Then I tested my breath, tried to change its rhythm slightly and felt the change, felt the air going through my nose like when I meditate. damn, I’m awake.

This dream helped me put my finger on that feeling of bliss that I’ve experienced in dreams many times that is so profound and just expansive and freeing. Gratitude. And appreciation. A deeper love than egoic love, though it is kind of like the feeling of when you first fall in love and everything is vibrant and feels like you’re bursting.

So this is what gratitude is. Fuck. I want to be grateful more! LOL. I’m grateful for wanting to be grateful, even.

So strong. I’m going to practice bringing that into my walking life.

I just felt some gratitude while saying that and it warmed my stomach (where some deep emotional knots are). Gratitude. Wow. God and gratitude seem the same at this moment.

Reminds me of a woman I know who is so vibrant so much of the time. Gleeful in a grounded and beautifully feminine way. She showed me about being feminine in a positive and not fake way, truly feminine. I’d tended toward being a tom boy before that. Well, I still do but I also appreciate that exuberant feminine side.

Now I want to love. Everything. (Dammit, bring back that creepy cat!)

It feels like the gratitude for my body and brain lit up with lucidity was what I “needed to see”. A roundabout answer to a question I wasn’t sure how to ask. Being grateful, I feel in a sense like my higher self, as discussed in the thread.

Since that dream I’ve researched practices in gratitude. Tonglen and others have appeared. My main focus is bringing it to all of my life (waking, dreaming, lucid, all). Now, can I be grateful while being with that cat or other similar darknesses? Yes, I’ve experienced that to degrees. Experienced gratitude along with protective boundaries simultaneously. I don't want to get stuck in "blank gratitude" – not consciously to the extent that I’d hurt myself with it.

The emotional tone of the gratitude in the dream and that came with me into waking life is hit on in the tone of this song.

Nothing In Between by Stuart Davis

Nothing In Between by Stuart Davis

Spoiler for Lyrics:

There is nothing in between us when we sleep
Every night the bliss begins to leak
Nothing in between us when we laugh
it’s something that our head will never grasp

It’s seen in between

There’s nothing in between your joy and mine
It’s all a lot of nectar on the vine
Joy is how my parents were entwined
and there’s nothing in between their lives and mine

We’ve seen

There’s nowhere to hide in the open Reality
Love is so wide, there isn’t a boundary
There is only one eye without any enemy
when you’ve seen in between

There’s nothing in between our skin and light
Nothing in between the wind and kite
Nothing in between our lips and grace
Nothing in between the tongue and taste

It’s seen

(Refrain)

There is nothing in between you and I
Nothing in between blue and sky
Nothing in between us and love
Nothing in between wings and doves

(Refrain)

There is nothing
in between

WAKING LIFE DREAMING LUCID
BOLD IF IT FEELS PARTICULARLY SIGNIFICANT

This is a very rough draft
From the night before the night before last


Pairing Off

Going up a long curved ramp/hallway, similar to the casino on Catalina Island
At the top, people are evaluating each other as potential dates, taking turns
each successive pair going inside the large room where the dance is being held
I am the last girl to walk into the room, but I see the guy that is left through the door and I don’t like his body language or the way he’d talked to the girl. I don’t go into the room and instead turn around and walk back down.

The ramping hallway is lined with settings of a wine glass, a martini glass, and other items, repeating over and over. I look for a martini or glass of wine that hasn’t been drunk from yet as I walk down and down.
I unscrew the base of a martini glass and drink from the small, hidden bowl portion of the stem.
a man is walking up
we both think it is funny that I’m drinking from the bottom
I turn it right side up and drink from the “correct” top bowl (It didn’t spill when I’d first turned it upside down). it tastes delicious and I’m surprised. Best martini I’ve had.
I want to impress him and it looks like I’ve succeeded
we walk up together
I think I tell him about a friend (girl/potential date) he should meet

two of my girlfriends are up there and he and one of them hit it off
I’m kind of jealous but also not, I don’t think it is right for me to be with him for some reason (not the right time?)
we dance with yellow (Big Bird color) feathers arranged and held in a shield shape. shields of feathers, lol.
we shake them and are performing or practicing for people (a coach?)
6 groups of dancers. the guy, me, two girls, (and two other people?) make up our dance group

the teacher shows us how to do a yoga pose that is specific to the type of dancing we’re learning
stand on one leg, hold your right foot and press the big and pinky toes’ pads together, as well as the 2nd and 4th toes’ pads together. A might uncomfortable in the dream. I thought it was funny. While in the yoga pose, I struck a playful disco pose with my arms. It actually felt like the silly pose helped the energy align and flow. (makes me think of my PTSD and anxiety. Absurdity can be an antidote.)
I looked at the others and they were holding their foot behind them instead of in front of them so I went to switch, though it didn’t seem right to me to have my foot behind. The dream ended before I finished "correcting" my pose.

WAKING LIFE DREAMING LUCID
BOLD IF IT FEELS PARTICULARLY SIGNIFICANT

From the morning after the night before the night before last

Not Intending to Lucid Dream makes me Hungry

I woke at least 4 times throughout the “night” (I have a freakish sleep schedule) and remembered dreams but felt very much a part of them still, like their sounds and visuals were only fading, not gone. I wondered if I was creating them and tried to go back in, though I didn’t think about lucid dreaming. It didn’t cross my mind and I feel that that is good in some way, like I needed to experience my emotions as a “DC” in this dream, that otherwise I could interfere with the purpose of the dream. Or maybe I’m justifying that I was forgetful of lucid intentions. Nah, don’t think so. :p

On a side not, I woke up HUNGRY! Arng arng arng. Where’s the protein?!

WAKING LIFE DREAMING LUCID
BOLD IF IT FEELS PARTICULARLY SIGNIFICANT

FFEDCIDD Practice
FFEDCIDD = Face, Feel, Expand, Dissipate, Coalesce, Integrate, Decide, Do

Jealousy roaring up. Expanded about a foot from my body. specks of contained heat (but not touchable?) It was like an insulation, a bit spongy. Jealousy felt bizarre - that might have been the first time I’ve really let myself feel it. I have memories of stuffing it down because it was unattractive.

A loose approximation
(more like just a pretty thing that had similar colors)
by fleicap

Under it a sadness centered in my gut, heart, and throat. The sadness (or maybe my mental reflections on it) brought me to memories of soothing myself as a child by crying into a mirror alone. I feel a lot of resistance to posting that little intimate detail, so maybe forcing myself is the way to go. Gah, I’m not always this serious, an insecure voice inside me is sharply whining and pushing.

WAKING LIFE DREAMING LUCID
BOLD IF IT FEELS PARTICULARLY SIGNIFICANT

This dream is from the night before the night before last


Book-ended Children

Children running down a sloping sidewalk that curved back and forth. Stone wall along the sidewalk. Cobblestone ground. My consciousness looking down on them as they ran toward “me”. Saying to myself I remember this, I remember reading this. My mom was showing me another reel.

There was something forced about what the children were doing. they didn’t like it but they did relatively well at pretending. I think I knew more about why, that it had something to do with the parents, but I don’t recall now.

Mom put on another old reel. it seemed to be of my father’s side of the family. I knew he would like to see it and wondered at my mom having it instead of him.

In waking life my father idealizes tradition and is also an extraordinarily creative and brilliant man. I think he idealizes being a child, simple carefree yet responsible times. He was a “hippie” black sheep in his family when he was younger. That side of my family had a lot of power that was used for massive capitalistic gains and political influence. There is corruption, greed, addiction, and yet amazing intelligence and creativity smattered around the people. I am curious and feel it is important to know more about this family history. It also makes me feel sick to think of knowing more. My fascination and desire to know the different sides of my family (and myself) usually wins out, though. Well, at least in the internal battles of which I am aware.

I watched the reel on an old contraption that displayed more like a television than a projector. My mom stood to the side, close to the moving picture.

Soft thwacking noises like an old projector. I could almost see the frames as they shuffled past, specks and lines of light flashing and morphing with them.

A man (I think a/the/[my?] father), somber and proud like in older photographs, sat on the right, looking at the camera. The children to the left of him in their sitting positions, and then sat a huge man in a tuxedo complete with tailcoat. The two men were like bookends, the children between them. We’d only been watching it a minute, and mom already wanted to change reels. I said no, I want to see them when they move. I said their body language would be very significant, would show me more about who they actually are. It felt intensely important and I was riveted.

The large, hulking man stood and walked to the right. Maybe 8 or 9 feet tall, who knows, maybe 10. Big, round belly, sloped shoulders. (He reminds me of the way my maternal grandpa looked when he was dying of cancer, that same kind of oval shape, but much more extreme, and more solid and thick.) I didn’t think he was a family member of mine. The father (it was my impression I think, though perhaps it was a waking reflection) stood and slowly walked to the right. I watched his body carefully (from where the audience would be if there was one) and couldn’t tell much about him from the way he walked. It was so slow, as if he was favoring physical pain. His stiffness swallowed up his personality.

There were a lot of dream characters projecting their personae in this dream, like they were conforming to older, more serious social pressures. Personae that were hollow yet strong. Weak, deep, and shallow and full of tightly woven rules.

I feel an association between the father dream character and my paternal great grandfather, father of my father's father. I never knew him. It makes sense, given my grandfather’s and his brother’s dichotomies, success and greed for one, creativity and susceptibility in the other. Or so I've interpreted and oversimplified.

The trickle of this history of family emotions is a reason I think this song taps a large body of water inside me.



“I am out here studying stones
trying to learn to be less alive
using all of my will to keep very still
still even on the inside

I've cut all the pertinent wires
so my eyes won't make their connections
I am holding my breath
I am feigning my death
when I'm looking in your direction

...when all the forbidden fruit is fallen and rotted
well that's when I'm gonna come down"

Even if they’re partial hogwash, I feel love flowing from new understandings.

WAKING LIFE DREAMING LUCID BOLD IF IT FEELS PARTICULARLY SIGNIFICANT


Progress

I woke up a few times throughout the night and realized I was dreaming, just barely waking and telling myself I was dreaming, hoping I was still in the dream (seemed about 2 seconds out of the dream), then tried to go back in lucid. Didn’t work that I recall, though I was happy that I was so quickly thinking that thought and focusing on being at the least aware of my dreams, if not lucid.


Restaurant Fragment

I saw a previous employer [who I’d had a blow-up with and left in waking life]. I was at his restaurant, it wasn’t significantly unpleasant that I recall. Was there dark water and the sidewalks were square “docks” that resembled rafts and warehouse pallets or was that another dream? If it was then I’ve dreamed about those docks/sidewalks at least three times.

WAKING LIFE DREAMING LUCID UNDERLINED IF IT FEELS PARTICULARLY SIGNIFICANT

Spoiler for Past Related Dreams and History:

History

A new experience dreaming the other night. It gave me hope even though I woke in fear. It also prompted me to get off my butt and finally join a forum that discusses such things. First, a little history.

In the past I’ve had a reoccurring dream of family members and others trying to kill me. One repeated every year it seemed, starting at the age of about 8 and ending (at least consciously) around 18. In this dream a calm and intense voice announced to me that my family was turning into monsters. I ran from them. My father chased me (the chase scenes varied significantly, thought it seems that they were always outside of my grandmother’s house, where the dream started). Sometimes I got away, sometimes I fell, and there was one time I thought I experienced death before I woke up. The dreams filled me with terror.

Other similar dreams have often occurred, the main theme being that someone is stalking me and I am aware that they wanted to kill me. Sometimes I’d confront them. Most times it would be an endless hiding and running deep fear experience. Sometimes it was a combination of both. I’ve experienced other variations of this type of terror dream, often including sharks (in college), tornadoes, and tidal waves.
Usually when I wake the consuming fear and sadness and loneliness from these dreams is so very present, infusing me to some extent throughout the day no matter how much I process and release it. It can be exhausting. Ok, pretty much done with the history.


Recent History

A couple nights ago a terror dream was different than other experiences. I haven’t been remembering my dreams as often in the recent past (I started to type recent future, lol). I had meditated right before sleeping with binaural audio that also incorporates other meditation-inducing aspects. It was a pretty deep meditation and a lot more emotional pain than usual came up, but I was largely able to hold the discomfort in a larger awareness and release happened as well. I fell asleep.

Nightmare with Lucid Meditation

The terror dream was a series of people trying to kill me. Each chapter seemed to occur in my current home or a similar one.

One instance was a psychological death of sorts, where someone wanted me to admit something I’d done that hurt them but I knew that if they knew it would hurt them more than if I didn’t tell them. I felt ashamed. As they tried to dig it out of me tears ran down my face and I avoided looking into their eyes. I think I explained to them at one point that I couldn’t tell them or they would be more hurt. I was conflicted and I’m not sure I held my ground (I think the dream changed at that point).

The dream continued, one person trying to kill me, the dream morphing, then another person trying to kill me, and so on. They were sneaky, some trying to lull me into feeling comfortable with them. It didn’t work. I knew. I resisted. After a few chapters in the dream, I became aware that I was dreaming. In this lucid state I tried different tactics.

1. Dream Control

I tried what I now know to be called dream control. Tried to turn my stalker away, tried to make them friendly, tried to make it not be about being stalked. That wasn’t as “successful” as the tactic has been in other lucid dreams I've had.

2. Wake

I tried to wake myself. In the dream I had access to my real memories: I recalled that I’d woken myself from a nightmare as a young child, maybe 5 years old, after frantically trying to wake in the dream and having no success. This is how I remember it. I became aware of my physical body in my bed. I tried to open my eyes. Felt my eyebrows raising, my lids stretching, but they stayed together. I tried to move my arms. They were heavy, they wouldn’t move. Then my shoulders responded. Finally my arms moved. I reached up and opened my eyes with my hands and woke like that…my fingers on my eyelids, having pulled them apart manually.

Remembering the success of this childhood experience, I attempted this tactic in my dream last night while lucid. It failed. Throughout using these wake-myself-up-please tactics,

I would think I had awakened only to find out I was still in the dream. I became identified with the dream and then lucid and aware I was dreaming (usually because I had a new stalker or less often because something else wouldn't be the same as in my home) again over and over after each failed attempt.

First I tried to wake myself by simply willing it, then throwing a large amount of the energy of my desire to wake into it.

Then I tried to feel my body in my bed, to establish a connection like I thought I had in childhood. It seemed that I could feel my body and that I woke. This was the first time I thought I'd woken up but after I “woke” myself I soon discovered I was being stalked again and had not escaped the dream.

Then I tried to not only feel my body but to move my body, however, I found I wasn’t very coordinated and I was flailing. I became afraid of hurting myself or spilling my water on my nightstand, etc.

The cycle of thinking I had awoken and then realizing I was still in the dream (I think called false awakenings?) came full circle at least 3 times, though in my not completely clear recollection it feels like it was more like 4 to 6 times.

3. Lucid Meditation

At one point I tried to meditate in the dream, hold the dream and the fear of the dream in the arms of my awareness so that I wasn’t so self-identified with it and terrified. This was the new accomplishment. A big one. I don’t think it lasted long, maybe a couple minutes.

I’ve been in different meditative states in many dreams, but this one was intentionally, lucidly, induced. Even though it was a meditation initially infused with the desire to escape from the emotions, I'm still goanna break out with a yay! I came to a place where I wasn’t hiding or trying to wake up. I was confronting in an accepting way while still trying to protect myself.

The meditation did not relieve the fear but I felt more me, more whole. At first the fear was very present and perhaps more so. It seems that the fear ebbed to some degree after a time. I remember looking down on my body during the meditation. The dream also may have gone to black and white during the meditation and got a static quality to it, like white noise. I don't remember ever dreaming in black and white, though now that I look back I don't recall any color in the dream at any point. I am skeptical of it not being in color, however, because now it is days since the dream occurred and I only remember snippets. After the short meditation is when I fuzzily think I woke.

I don't remember the sequence of the following parts of the dream. I'm about 90% sure I wasn’t lucid at the time:

I felt physical pain when one stalker was biting my lips. The physical pain felt so…well…physical. It hurt in a sharp way, just as if my dream body was a physical one. That realization is unsettling and also wondrous. Now I realize that both of the times I have been aware of physical pain in dreams was when I was being bitten. Both dreams were at some point lucid dreams, but not lucid at the time that I was being bitten. The other time was a dog biting my fingertips. Now I’m interested in this…why biting? Perhaps this similarity is connected to a pattern, perhaps not. Worth keeping an eye on it and a thought hanging around.

I tried to manipulate the people out of trying to kill me. I plotted quickly as they advanced. One of the people I offered myself to sexually to try to avoid being killed, to distract him. It worked. It was boring and rather ineffectual sex and I ended up feeling frustrated because I wanted more pleasure, even though I was creeped out and scared.

Well, that was long. I doubt I'll want to use the energy to write so much in the future (or try to refine the clarity of my writing so much, gah), but this dream absolutely fascinated me and I felt reconnected to past dreaming experiences after dry spells and inattention. It woke the inspiration.

I think a big part of why it waned was nobody I shared these types of dreams with had similar experiences or seemed to want to dive in. But after reading some of the forum, wow, some of you not only have had similar but extensive experiences. Thanks for reading, I'm interested in learning from others on this site if you want to respond! That said, I also have a very skeptical side and enjoy critical and insightful discussion, though it is tempered by many other sides.

- Souls or spirits coming to me for help or helping me, and/or trying to take advantage of me or invade me

- Terror, anxiety, and/or rushing

- Tidal waves and tornadoes

- Being stalked with murderous intent

- People and animals from my past

- Spiritual bliss / channeling / meditating / healing / overwhelming beauty and a feeling of my heart opening

-Extraordinarily (somewhat glowing) vibrant colors, especially in nature and spiritual symbols (usually when experiencing that blissful feeling, sometimes when interacting with souls or spirits)

I imagine these will change since I haven’t kept records of a lot of my dreams and these are somewhat based on the dreams that were significant enough to me to remember.

(And hi everyone, I'm new here.)