Snacks From the Butler's Pantry

I took GM again last night for the first time in several months. That shit is a miracle drug for sure. I can't remember the last time I had such a vivid dream, let alone such strong lucidity. The strange thing was, I kept returning to the same, bizarre, false awakening throughout the dream. Even though I knew the FA was not real, I felt as if it was reality, and the dream was layered on top of it. This is the first time I've ever been unable to wake myself up from a dream.

The first thing I remember is being in my old high school. I was lucid, and was intentionally bringing back the feelings of awkwardness and uncomfortableness. I wanted a clear memory of what it felt like to be young and at the mercy of the adults who ran my life for me. I explored old, long forgotten neighborhoods, friends houses, and childhood classrooms.

I looked out the window of the chemistry lab at a concrete courtyard with terraced fountains. I took a running start, and leaped through the glass into the courtyard. The glass shattered around me, interrupting conversations and turning heads. I walked between the cafe tables, excusing myself to the stunned people whose lunches I rudely interrupted. The fountain was made of several stacked, rectangular concrete troughs, covered in redwood planks. I climbed to the highest terrace, and looked down on the courtyard. The water started to overflow the rim of the lowest fountain, spilling into the pavement. I made it flow faster, filling the courtyard below like a swimming pool.

The water was filthy and muddy. Straw and green scum floated on the surface. I balanced on my high ledge, then jumped down onto the surface. I landed on the surface, sunk several inches into the water, then floated back to the top. It felt like my feet were made of wood, floating on the surface of the water. Every time my weight shifted, my feet would sink or float accordingly. I walked awkwardly to a table (also floating on the surface) and sat down to take off my shoes. As I slid my sock off my foot, I remarked at the vividness of the feeling. What a mundane feeling for my mind to reproduce so accurately. I stepped out onto the surface of the water, this time feeling the water splash against my bare feet. It reminded me of walking along the sea shore. When you let the waves glide up along the sand in a thin film to swirl against your bare feet. I jumped up and down a few times, feeling myself sink into the water each time, and then bob back to the top. It was almost like walking on a trampoline.


I opened my eyes to record the experience, and found myself staring at a strange room. My point of view was high, like I was on the top bunk of a bunk bed. I could see the top of a cabinet close to my face. The top of the wood was lined with long hooked bones, like a dinosaur's teeth, or ribs. In front of me, I saw a cheap fluorescent tube fixture suspended from wires. I knew this must be a false awakening, so I relaxed back into another dream. I narrated to myself, making the scene appear as I heard the words.

"I am running along a wide cobblestone road." To each side of me is an open expanse of white desert sand. The feeling of speed is incredible. I know I must be running faster than humanly possible. I can jump and feel myself propelled forward through the air. The speed feels like a roller coaster. I realize I am alone, and suddenly feel scared and vulnerable. I summon something I know will feel safe. The Luck Dragon from the Neverending Story. It appears next to me, snaking through the air with a smile on its gigantic face. I feel safer. I look to my other side, and see a panther or tiger bounding along with me.

The landscape has changed to a futuristic city. There is now a cliff on my right side, with a drop off to the city below. I steer myself to the right, and throw myself off the cliff. The image flashes through my mind of my luck dragon swooping down to catch me. It doesn't happen. I continue to fall, plummeting to the earth below. I look down, seeing the ground speeding towards me fast. "This is going to hurt," I think to myself. I see my shadow rushing up to meet me. As I watch my shadow, two tendrils sprout from it's shoulders. They twist out to each side, then balloon out into wide feathered wings. A second later, I feel the wings sprout from my own shoulders to match. They catch the wind, and transfer my momentum forward as I swoop along the ground. I flap my wings, and rise back into the sky.

I explore the city for several minutes. A green stone obelisk stands in the center of the city, the height of a skyscraper. It looks to be monolithic, carved in the style of Futurism or Art Deco. I fly up to the top of the tower, and land in a beautiful garden. It is landscaped with a line of stone walls and small shrubs. One of the shrubs is a young pineapple guava tree. I remember the fruit from my childhood. When I was three or four years old, my neighbor had a huge bush I used to steal fruit from. This tree was tiny, barely reaching my waist. I stood in front of it and held it's branches in my hands. I closed my eyes and focused on pouring my energy and loving happy memories into it. The feeling of energy flowing through my body was so real, I worried for a second that I was really giving something from myself that I could not get back. I felt the plant grow between my fingers, and opened my eyes to watch it climb the wall and fill out to an impressive size. Fruit sprouts on its branches, plumping up like water balloons. One close to me drops from the branch and I catch it. For some reason, I was suspicious. The fruit reminds me of an egg, and I imagine all kinds of horrible things hatching from it. I pierce its skin with my thumb, and tear it in half. It is a little dry and woody inside, but otherwise looks normal. I smell it, then taste it. It tastes like I remember, but very bland. I was disappointed.

I open my eyes again to the same False Awakeing as earlier. It is confusing. I am obviously lying on my side, but there is some illusion of space that makes me think I am looking at everything sideways, like the room is rotated. I can't figure out what I am looking at exactly. Is this a distortion of my real bedroom, seen in the dark? Did I move the guest room during my WBTB? Is this the memory of a room from some other time? I am paralyzed, but I want to explore this dream world. I manage to free one arm. I reach up to touch the ivory tusks that line the cabinet next to me. They feel smooth and warm. I can hear my father having a phone conversation from the other room. He refers to the person on the phone as "Little Man," so I think he must be talking to my younger brother. He is telling him to go to the doctor because I was sick recently. He might have the same thing I had. I close my dream eyes, and listen to the voice.

Suddenly, I am in a strange house I have never seen before. It is decorated like a house from the '60s, with greens and yellows and dull incandescent light. I reach for the doorknob, noticing it is one of the tiny disc knobs they used to put on the inside of closet doors. The door opens to a hallway lit with the same faded yellow light. I walk towards the sound of my father's voice. From the corner of my eye I see a door open, and a monstrous shape dart into the side room. I calm myself, telling myself it was not a monster. This is not a nightmare. The hallway leads to a kitchen floored in 60s green linoleum. My father is leaning against the wall talking on an old rotary phone. I am scared, so I tell myself the man looks exactly like my father. Not strange or monstrous at all. Just my father. I lean against the counter, and wait for him to finish his phone conversation. I have some interesting questions for him.

I am startled to see movement from the corner of my eye. There is a young, teenage African-American boy crouched next to me casually in the corner of the kitchen. His presence is startling, but he is leaning against the cabinets in a very casual non threatening way. I speak to him softly, to not disturb my father's conversation. "Hey, you know this is a dream, right?" He nods and stands up. "You want to see something cool? You want to see me breathe fire?" He looks bored.

I walk into the family room, where a mirror hangs on the wall. It is one of those old mirrors set in a bronze frame shaped like a sunburst. Straight wire rays extend out from the mirror to catch the light.

I inhale deeply, then breathe out like I'm blowing out candles on a birthday cake. I suddenly feel my body back in bed choke. I know my real mouth is closed. I sort of breathe out weakly, spitting out through my pressed lips. I try again, focusing on my dream. This time, I feel my real body breathe out with a "pffffftht" rasberry/ motorboat. I wake up to the dim light of dawn, knowing this is not false awakening. (Of course, I check anyways)