Snacks From the Butler's Pantry

I was helping dig up my mother's rose bushes at my old childhood home. It looked like someone had dumped leftover cement into the planting bed, so I had to chip away a thin layer of hardened concrete to get them out. It was a nightmare.

My mother pulled into the garage in a car I did not recognize. It was a black SUV from the early 90s. It looked like it had cement or mud splattered all over undercarriage, and up the sides of the doors. My mom got out with my little brother, and explained that they were having financial problems and had to trade in their minivan for a cheaper car. As my stepfather explained all the features on the car, I remember wondering why they would get an SUV when gas was four dollars a gallon. Especially this old one that obviously needed some expensive repairs. Didn't seem like a smart financial move to me.

I woke up in bed, frustrated that I didn't recognize the dream sign of being at my mother's house. I rolled onto my side, and cuddled against my old roommate. I was stuffed into a bed with her, and my other ex-roommate.

I felt one of my roommates lean back into me, and grind against me. She raised her leg to rest on me, and I slid my hand up her leg and under her panties from the side. We were trying to be really quiet and subtle. We moved very slowly to keep from waking our other bedmate. It was actually very uncomfortable. She was overly sensitive, and her body kept jolting in a ticklish way. She was reaching back awkwardly to grab me through the fly of my boxers. The way she was stroking me was twisting my piercing in a painful way. It was sort of painful, but felt good at the same time.

I was just thinking, "Oh man, how the hell is this ever going to work?" When I saw our sleeping bedmate climb out of bed to get dressed. We froze, and tried to pretend-sleep for a minute. I was sneaking peeks at her naked body through my lidded eyes, but I could tell we weren't fooling her. She started being overly sexy with her dressing, and kept casually brushing her hands across her naked body. Before long, she was back in bed with us. The rest of the dream was a blur of arms, legs, and impossible positions. I don't know why people give dream sex a bad rap. It was pretty awesome, and no matter how many orgasms I had, I didn't wake up.

I got out of bed to wash up, and found myself at a pornography convention instead of my bedroom. I was looking for a bathroom, but got distracted by my friend Tera Patrick who I haven't seen in a while. She was working at a booth signing autographs and selling some wacky lube & toys. I was uncomfortable, because I really needed to wash up. I ended up finding a men's room, but woke up as soon as I saw the toilet.

The toilet apparently made me realize I really did have to pee. I got up to use the bathroom. I returned to bed, but something was strange. As I remembered the FA I just had, I realized I was having another one!! The realization paralyzed my body in bed. I was in that weird body distortion zone of bending and separating. I tried to imagine something tactile. I ended up visualizing myself standing out in my courtyard garden, running my hands up and down the ropes of my hammock and feeling the texture on my fingertips. Tracing the twisted knots of the bumpy cords shifted my consciousness to this dream body. I got really lost in the maze of knots and weaves. I found where they ended, in a wide canvas sail. There were two rectangular holes cut in the sail. I knew they were there to keep the forces equally distributed across the surface of the sail.

I was woken up by my phone ringing. I didn't want to answer it, so I lied in bed trying to remember my dreams for a minute. The answering machine picked up, and a woman's voice started speaking. She was jabbing about some conference I had to attend. Apparently it had been moved from my office, to a convention center in Oakland. I was confused, and was trying to remember if the conference was today or Monday. I thought it was Monday...

I tried to remember what this conference even was. (In reality, there was no conference, another freaking FA!) I remembered the conference as being a sequel to the movie Star Wars. It was a continuation of that movie where the dude drops a bomb into the giant robotic planet. Instead of dropping a bomb, he dropped me down into the hatch. I slid down some huge slide-chute, and landed in a giant space station type place. I had to destroy Dearth Vader to blow up the planet. The way I remembered it, this was what really happened at the end of that movie. They just waited to show it all until the sequel came out.

Three False Awakenings in one night. I still feel good about the night. I accomplished my goal of having more dream sex, and I had a brief lucid moment when I caught the FA, and popped into the hammock.

Curious, how the first FA happened. The dream transitioned to my bedroom, and me thinking about missing a dream sign. I guess, technically, I did catch the dream sign, because I was still asleep. Maybe the dream sign caused the FA somehow. That has to count for something.