Snacks From the Butler's Pantry

I guess I was more angry that I thought about that "Smokey Bear and the Bandit" movie from the other night...

I had to have the plans delivered to the client by 5:00. The courier for the blueprinter was on his way, but I couldn't get the staples out. Using pliers, I was trying to rip them out one by one. The courier arrived. It can't be time already! I looked at the clock, but it didn't make sense to me. I asked the courier, and he replied "4:38". I was out of time!

I tried to sign for the delivery, but I couldn't find our office's name on the list. I was having a hard time reading. Frustrated, I awkwardly scribbled my name in on the bottom line. I decided I would make the blueprints myself, on the way to the job site. I grabbed he blue line machine, and started running down the street. I fed the first sheet in as I crossed a busy intersection. I seemed to be on roller skates. The print came out blank, and I remembered I disposed of all the ammonia last month. Wait, I thought I trashed my blue line machine also...

I skated back to my office, and found the courier still there. He was loitering around, hitting on our intern. Before I had a chance to send him off, his friends showed up. First, a Hispanic woman with a basket of strawberries. Then, the German woman who works there phones followed. She had bags full of food. Dozens of people from the blueprinter's shop started pouring in, each carrying plates and bags of food. It looked like they were going to have a picnic. They filled the conference room and started discussing leaving to form their own company. It was a mutiny!

I walked into the conference room and switched the lights off. I stood beside the long table, and pulled a small black vial out of my pocket. I threw it into the air, with the intention of having it float above the table and then explode into some sort of black hole or dark energy. I couldn't concentrate with everybody jibber-jabbing. The vial started bouncing around the room at crazy speeds. I couldn't stop it.

Two of the guys wouldn't stop talking, and I got more and more angry. One of them suddenly leaped at me violently. He pulled a hammer out of his pocket to attack me. I jumped up on the table, and reached into his mouth to grab his tongue. I stretched his tongue out of his mouth with one hand, and then slammed my other fist into his jaw. His teeth slammed together, lopping his tongue off in a spray of blood. I caught his hammer as he swung it towards me. I ripped it out of his hand and threw it across the room at his friend. The hammer flipped through the air end-over-end, and buried itself claw first in his buddy's left eye socket.

The whole crowd came at me with pliers, hammers, and other tools. I jumped under the table to hide. I crawled towards the other end of the table to confront their leader, a muscular woman who looked like a body builder. I was being pummeled and stabbed with fists and sharp tools. I felt my hair start to grow into a thick protective coat of fur. My skin toughened, and I exploded in size. The conference table flew off my back, splintering as I reared up to my full height as an eight foot tall rampaging grizzly bear!

I swatted away my attackers as I made my way towards the door. The room was too small for me to maneuver in. I knew I would never fit through the doorway. I shifted myself sideways against reality, and watched as my attacker's fists and weapons passed right through my ephemeral bear-body. I charged through the walls on all fours, and out to the parking lot. The mob followed, still throwing books, chairs, and office equipment at me. I leaped into the air, and then watched in third person as I sprouted beautiful white feathered wings, and took off into the air.

Now part of the mob, I stood in the parking lot watching the winged bear awkwardly flap and flop around the sky in retreat. A skinny man with glasses approached me. "The experiments worked!" He said, excitedly. "The genetic modifications must be taking effect. That must mean your gills are on their way."

I felt a strange pain in my neck, and reached up to feel a long gash running from my ear down to my shoulder. It was tender, but not bleeding. I took a deep breath, and felt myself draw air through the flap of skin. I took another breath, and this time, felt myself draw air into my lungs from under my arm. I reached under my left arm pit to finger another long tear in my skin. Each breath felt like it was ripping my skin open more and more. I joked with my nerdy companion, "What a terrible place for a gill. Is everything going to smell like armpit? This is like having your nose in your ass."

My companion didn't answer. Instead he took off running, yelling, "Hurry! To the creek!" I had a brief flash of seeing myself swimming underwater, breathing easily through my new gills, then I woke up.