Originally Posted by Dianeva
That's an idea that was believed very strongly in the Costa Rica center place I went to. I've consequently given it a lot of thought.
I think that I tend to agree with it for a lot of cases, but not all. For example, if somebody does something to hurt you, you're going to dislike whatever quality is in the person that causes him to do that, even if you've never possessed that quality yourself.
But it holds true in other cases, most often when you find yourself disliking something about a person when he hasn't actually done anything that should affect you. For example, if you're annoyed at someone for performing what you perceive to be attention-seeking behavior, there's a good chance that you've done that yourself at some point.
Not only have you done it yourself, but you've realised why you were wrong for doing it. Because if you didn't see why it was wrong, you wouldn't have a problem with it in the first place.
It might not even be true that you've done the exact same thing before, only that the psychological disposition which you perceive that person to have, you've had yourself, and have learned or are learning to move beyond it.
I'm not saying that this is the only reason someone might have for hating qualities in others, only that it often causes some of the stronger hatred. You might dislike a quality for another, completely rational reason, but if it's something that you once used to do, or still partly do, and have gotten over it, or are getting over it, it's going to anger you a lot more than it would if you'd never been like that yourself.
It's funny though because I agree, my reflexive inclination is that this idea cannot possibly be true. Later, I reassessed that it simply couldn't be true in all cases. Now, I'm beginning to see that there is, indeed, a very interesting psychological phenomenon at work. Not only have I learned a lot from paying attention to what bothers me in others, I'm also learning not to take their words very personally. How often have you been criticized by someone that exemplified the behavior they were criticizing? I once read in the Four Agreements that everything someone does to you is really about them, even if they hold a gun to your head and shoot you, it's still ultimately about them. It explains why many times, when getting into an argument with someone, it appears as though they aren't even really criticizing you anymore, they're criticizing a fabrication or construction of you that they have built in their minds, and it's typically not very accurate to how you feel about yourself. But with closer inspection, you can realize how deeply that fabricated version of you most closely resembles pieces of their denied self.
Originally Posted by Oneironaut Zero
I don't believe it's as cut and dry as is stated in the OP, but I think there is a lot of truth to it. While I don't think that seeing a fault in others necessarily means that you are guilty of the fault yourself (awareness of something as a fault often comes from basic knowledge of that something as a negative), it can be a huge - even if subconscious - factor. In the same breath, it might also just come as an adverse reaction to something that the person is trying to avoid being guilty of. For instance, someone might be completely against materialism yet, while having never been a specifically materialistic person, themselves, they understand how alluring a materialistic nature can be, and so a part of their trying not to succumb to such allure is lashing out at the people whom they believe have done just that.
But yes, aside from some exceptions, critique on others is very often a critique on oneself.
I think while you can notice faults in others, and come to a realization based on how you feel the world could work and how you see it failing at this endeavor, the word bother is more unique to the mirror effect taking place. It seems as though faults which I find negative are more humorous than bothersome when I don't exemplify those traits myself. However, when they are faults that I am guilty of, I find them absolutely intolerable.
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