Thread: My mother doesnt understand accomplishment

I have trouble trying to get my mom to understand why I do things and what I want to accomplish.

In many areas, she doesn't understand why people should do something unless other people see the accomplishment. She just doesn't get why people should do something unless it gets them something, like a raise.

For example, she thinks that me trying to get a defined stomach, is a waste of effort becuase I don't go around shirtless and no one will see it. She doesn't get that its one of my goals for my self and that it matters to me becuase whether it is seen or not, I know of the accomplishment and work. I would be proud of the accomplishment, becuase I know that I would have a six pack and be able to enjoy the fact I did something most people don't manage.

I could say much the same about other subjects, like lucid dreaming. She doesn't understand how someone could enjoy something that wouldn't get them anything physical, like a raise. She doesn't get that I lucid just for the experience, she doesn't get that the enjoyment of the ride is what I get out of it. She says that if she flys in a dream, that she will wake up earth bound and unhappy, therefor the dream was meaningless.

How can I explain these things to my mom? That people don't need to have others see an accomplishment for it to mean something and how can I explain to her that people don't always need to get some physical thing like money or a possession, or for it to be worth while, for someone to enjoy something?

It doesn't really deserve explaining. It's absurd. How could it possibly make sense that value is only obtained by the effect it has on people other than yourself, when other people in turn only value it for the effect it has on people other than themselves? The logical conclusion is that value is only obtained by the effect it has on nobody at all.

See what I did there?

There's two types of reward: intrinsic and extrinsic. Intrinsic is when you're satisfied with yourself and it can improve your confidence and the way you view yourself. Often, intrinsic rewards leave you feeling accomplished. Although this may not be physical, it can definitely show physically in terms of spirit and improved behavior. Extrinsic rewards are the physical rewards like money received for working a job.

Sadly, many people seem to be more orientated towards the extrinsic and fail to remember about the intrinsic, which is often the more important of the two. It really depends on the mindset of the person and what they've personally been raised to believe; because of this, it might be a bit of a challenge to persuade your mom to try and see your perspective on things. Focus on how your goals improve your quality of life (which does not always require physical goods to be improved) and how you see yourself as a person.

If your mom doesn't seem to listen, she might eventually start to see how your goals and interests are worthwhile; if not, does it really matter? The opinions of your parents will always matter, but you're your own person and it's up to you whether or not you'll allow their opinions to always be on your mind, saying "there's something wrong with this".

I think she's just trying to balance you. She sees you moving in one direction far from center and feels it's her place to remind you that there are other things you should also work on - other goals that are important too. She does it out of love.

Never forget that people have a tendency to oppose any strong direction. If you say it's dark out they'll automatically think you're being a pessimist and try to convince you that there's plenty of light. Any strong movement tends to bring about its opposite. This is why people often get caught up in arguments and pretty soon both are saying things they don't really believe anymore just because they've chosen sides in a familiar polarized argument.

Realize that this is all false dichotomy. All argument creates these false dichotomies and fosters them. Try to embrace both sides - see her point as well as your own, and realize that both are only part of the whole picture. Rather than accepting her invitation to oppose her on these small issues, rise up - grow large enough to encompass all sides of the issue and see it all in perspective. When you've done it and responded to her not by arguing but by honestly pointing out the false dichotomies it might help bring her to the same big-picture viewpoint as well, though that's not guaranteed.

You're at a difficult age, when you;re beginning to move toward your full maturity and move away from dependence. This is rough on parents and teens alike and tends to turn every conversation into an argument. Try to understand that's what's going on - she thinks she's trying to prepare you for the big bad world, that's all.

Originally Posted by Darkmatters

I think she's just trying to balance you. She sees you moving in one direction far from center and feels it's her place to remind you that there are other things you should also work on - other goals that are important too. She does it out of love.

Never forget that people have a tendency to oppose any strong direction. If you say it's dark out they'll automatically think you're being a pessimist and try to convince you that there's plenty of light. Any strong movement tends to bring about its opposite. This is why people often get caught up in arguments and pretty soon both are saying things they don't really believe anymore just because they've chosen sides in a familiar polarized argument.

Realize that this is all false dichotomy. All argument creates these false dichotomies and fosters them. Try to embrace both sides - see her point as well as your own, and realize that both are only part of the whole picture. Rather than accepting her invitation to oppose her on these small issues, rise up - grow large enough to encompass all sides of the issue and see it all in perspective. When you've done it and responded to her not by arguing but by honestly pointing out the false dichotomies it might help bring her to the same big-picture viewpoint as well, though that's not guaranteed.

You're at a difficult age, when you;re beginning to move toward your full maturity and move away from dependence. This is rough on parents and teens alike and tends to turn every conversation into an argument. Try to understand that's what's going on - she thinks she's trying to prepare you for the big bad world, that's all.

That could be what my mother is doing. I have trouble understanding tho, why she doesn't get that with some things the person doing its opinion, is what matters. People wouldn't need to see a fine sculpture that I would make from wood, for me to be proud and happy that I did it and now have it.

Then again, I wouldn't mind getting to understand mothers thoughts on it better.

Yeah, Puffin was right about that. Some people just don't get internal motivations.

You could ask her what you could gain out of someone else recognizing your accomplishments. A raise, meaning more money? What value is there in money? Does she think you should desire more money so that other people will recognize your money? Then what value is there in people recognizing your money? Eventually she will have to admit that the value she ultimately attaches to 'accomplishment' is shallow and meaningless. If she tries to say that money will buy you things that will make you happier then you will have trapped her because you can say that the things you value are already making you happy without the intermediary dependency on money.

My ex-husband would always say: "Is it going to make us money? No? Then why waste our time." He drove me so bonkers because we couldn't talk about anything (it seemed) without him trying to think of a way to capitalize on the subject. If it wasn't possible, he'd change the subject. He were poor, which he despised.
My current hubby gets annoyed by "down time". Laying around, catching up on TV or reading fiction- to him- is a complete waste of time. If you're not working at a job, then you need to be working around the house, the yard, with the vehicles, or with a skill.
My parents hated that I wrote fiction and poetry- especially dark, moody stuff because they worried about how THEY would be perceived by others through my work.

The bottom line is: Some people are just wired differently than us. Because of life experience and/or upbringing, they view priorities and such in a unique way. Knowing what drives them can sometimes help us reason or otherwise reach them. Does your mom worry that you're going to wind up like Joe Blow down the street who's 46 years old and still living at home? Did she give up on a career (or other ambition) for family or ____ and worry you're cutting yourself short and will have regrets like her?
But, most the time, we just have to accept the fact that we will never see eye to eye with everyone (even loved ones) and we just have to let it go.

Unfortunately, many people see no deeper into existence than the superficial concept of 'status.' To many, status is everything. It is their badge of merit, to say "look at me, your [life/yard/wardrobe/job/etc] does not make you better than me, because I have [money/cars/clothes/big home/specific job/etc], too!" It is the common human sentiment that the fashion and automobile industries (to name only two) feed off of. Some people are just so out of touch with anything that can't be 'accepted by their peers' - or doesn't show immediate worth to people other than themselves - that they begin to ridicule and look down upon those who don't fit their world view, or have that same level of 'status', that they do. In part, it helps them feel good about themselves, and reinforce their decisions to settle for such superficial, 'keeping up with the Jones'" lifestyles. In essence, they become that force which had previously forced them into living that type of shallow life.

I think there is a lot of truth in what Darkmatters is saying. Your mother may very well be trying to balance you out, however if that is her intention, she has a responsibility to be careful about the way she comes about it. For her to be trying to truly balance you, she has to - herself - acknowledge the good and bad in both ideologies. Judging from the OP, it doesn't seem like she's put much (any) effort into that. To not do so, and to simply demonize your musings and motivations, is not to profess balance. Of course, if one's mind is strong enough, they can learn to take the good out of what people - who tenaciously argue the value of their lifestyle choices over that of others - are trying to say. That's a quality that you have to have in yourself. However, I don't think it lets the 'teacher' off the hook for displaying a pretty shallow, closed-minded and arguably insecure mind set.

As Zhalyin said, though, it's unfortunately one of those things that aren't easy to change with some people, and we sometimes just have to let it go.

Some people are just like that. This reminds me of a similar problem I have with my mother. She doesn't respect that other people might value different things than her. If someone prefers B over A, and she prefers A over B, she will likely be annoyed rather than think "what an interesting person" or something as I'd do.

I'm sure there are plenty of people in life who have different opinions than you about things, but theirs don't bother you so much. It's easy for us to be strongly affected by the opinions of our parents. A feeling lingers for a long time, even into adulthood, for many people, that a parent somehow knows what's right and will know better than you do no matter what. Listen to your mom as you would to a good friend, consider her opinions, but try not to let them bother you too much. If lucid dreaming and getting a well-defined stomach are goals which seem to make sense to you, given your own reasoning, and you don't see any actual rationality behind your mom's opinions, try not to let them bother you.

Originally Posted by Fredfredburger

How can I explain these things to my mom?

Have you tried using a brick? She'd probably stop nagging you after a thorough explanation.

Originally Posted by GavinGill

Have you tried using a brick? She'd probably stop nagging you after a thorough explanation.

lol

Why do you feel the need to explain it to her? Is there a thing where she gets in the way of your goals, or is it just a nagging annoyance at her worldview?

Originally Posted by Replicon

Why do you feel the need to explain it to her? Is there a thing where she gets in the way of your goals, or is it just a nagging annoyance at her worldview?

It just bugs me.

Originally Posted by Fredfredburger

It just bugs me.

In that case, and if she won't listen to you after a few tries, I think you might just have to deal with it.

It's good practice for later in life... There's going to be a lot of people - your boss, your friends, people you're working with - who won't agree with your views but will also cling stubbornly to their own. Some people you just can't convince to see your side of the story, and that's just how they are. There's times where you'll just need to not let things bother you. If someone calls you names or does something else to irritate you, sometimes you won't be able to tell them off because you'll get yourself punched in the face.

"Build up armor", as my dad calls it.

Originally Posted by Puffin

In that case, and if she won't listen to you after a few tries, I think you might just have to deal with it.

It's good practice for later in life... There's going to be a lot of people - your boss, your friends, people you're working with - who won't agree with your views but will also cling stubbornly to their own. Some people you just can't convince to see your side of the story, and that's just how they are. There's times where you'll just need to not let things bother you. If someone calls you names or does something else to irritate you, sometimes you won't be able to tell them off because you'll get yourself punched in the face.

"Build up armor", as my dad calls it.

While that advice is good, its a bad idea to refrain from saying something becuase the persons a big baby and will hit you.

MY MOMm WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME

MOM MM OMMMOM MOM

WHY WONT YOU GET IT

GOD MOM