Thread: Empathy (?) and when it becomes a problem

I feel like I'm making no headway in counseling and I realized it's because I've not been completely up front with him.
I isolate to an extreme mostly because I become easily overwhelmed by the (perceived) emotions of others.

When I was a kid, I thought it was some sort of magickal ability, but now I understand I'm just picking up on their body language.
When I was growing up, for the sake of my emotional well being, I learned to read people too well: how are they sitting/standing; are they gesturing; are their sentences clipped; is their face tense etc.
Then, too, there are more obvious signs like a person repeatedly looking at their watch or out a window; not maintaining eye contact and such.

I've not told him, in part, because I don't want to sound silly.

Does anyone here have a similar problem? Can you "turn it off"? What are some tips?

I've actually heard a lot of people complain of a problem like this--so believe me, you are not alone in this, nor do you sound silly. There is nothing wrong with perceiving these cues, but you should ask yourself, why do you care so much what others are feeling? It sounds like an almost "evil" question, but the first step to overcoming this is to realize that it isn't. When caring for everyone else's feelings begins to hurt you (in a purely negative way), that's when it needs to stop or be lessened extensively. If it helps, realize too that most people you see really don't care all that much about you or your feelings, if at all. Now, I'm not saying people you have relationships with do not care about you or how you feel, but I am definitely saying strangers and most people you meet for the first time don't. I'm not sure on your position on this already, so you may or may not have trouble believing it--just know that if you don't, then believing in it shouldn't and isn't designed to hurt you.

Why does it hurt you to see others that are hurt? Do these people hold that much significance in your life? Is it worth it to feel bad about their situation? Does it do you any good to feel bad in the situation you're in (on an objective basis, does feeling negative aid in the situation any)? Try asking yourself these questions too. You should also realize that what is important first and foremost in your life is you. Realizing that you are most important is not selfish, not at all. Caring only for and about yourself is. Just in the grand scheme of things, you should be number 1 on your urgent/important priority list, though maybe not so much on the mundane or lower lists. You are the one that has to live your life, you are the one that has to live with your actions and their consequences. No one else has to deal with the consequences of being you, only you. You must act and carry yourself in a way that promotes a healthier you, even if that means sometimes you have to do something another person doesn't want or might hurt them.

Very wise words. Thanks for the reply.

I can usually work around sad feelings. I have the hardest time with anger and anxiety from others, mostly because of my up-bringing. I don't think I'm *afraid* of those emotions, though. But I guess I am to some degree. I just feel on edge, "walk on egg-shells" and I'm just generally stressed and thoroughly exhausted out of concern for pushing the person into full-blown anger/other "violent" emotion.
Which is why I'm not even sure what to call it.

Sometimes I feel the emotion I perceive the other to be feeling (their anxiety/anger/grief etc BECOMES my own) and that utterly overwhelms me. But for the most part, I just "know" what they're feeling and that knowing puts me on edge. I was never beaten or anything that extreme but the only thing I can think (right now) to liken it to is when you see a movie or something and one of the characters tells their children to be extra good because dad is in "one of his moods" again.

Hyper-vigilant?

**EDIT**
Emotional hypervigilance then?
I ended up googling "Hyper vigilant" because I thought it sounded familiar when I typed it lol. But that doesn't apply. I don't look for physical escape routes. I'm not paranoid of physical harm (I don't lock my doors and windows AT ALL for instance). I don't have other symptoms of PTSD or anything like that.

once you realize empathy is only a veil for apathy, you'll see that 'knowing' isn't unique to your understanding. it's the ultimate backstage pass.

people care for one another only as long as it benefit themselves, and anything over that limit is strategy. this isn't to say people don't genuinely like/dislike each other, but rather only fools think there's more to it that what i've laid out.

Spoiler for don't fight it:

The Lost Boys - Michael and David Fight Scene

Oh, I'm very well aware that this empathy (?) of mine stems from selfish motivations. It's my almost subconscious strategy to know the emotions of people so that I can ultimately change my behavior (etc) to reduce the likelihood of an outburst from another person. Knowing used to safeguard me. Now it just overwhelms and exhausts me.
How do I take the step to turn the empathy into apathy?

(BTW, LOVED that movie!)

Yeah it's normal. We all have the ability to read others, it's easy. It's natural. I sort of just learned how to feel others but it's not really a problem, thought it can be. (I get overwhelmed easily.) but i don't get overwhelmed when feeling others because i don't allow it to. You have to detatch yourself from their emotions. Practice meditating and what not.

Zhalin, my theory on why some people develop a strong ability to read others is because they were raised with an aloof parent or sibling that forced them to develop greater awareness of people due to difficulties in communication.

Does that sounds like something you can relate to?

I can completely relate to this. But as Erii said, I just had to learn to observe it instead of doing anything with it. In a way.
I just accepted that I know basically what other people are thinking etc. and I don't let it bother me any more.
Mostly anyway. If I feel I need to do something about it, obviously I will. It comes in handy some times.
But every thing in moderation, you know.

Originally Posted by Omnis Dei

Zhalin, my theory on why some people develop a strong ability to read others is because they were raised with an aloof parent or sibling that forced them to develop greater awareness of people due to difficulties in communication.

Does that sounds like something you can relate to?

That sounds about right. I wouldn't be surprised if that is what causes it.
If you can't communicate verbally with someone, obviously the other forms of communication would develop more.
Or, the other ways that you can tell how people are feeling etc.

Erii, I've discovered that the vast majority of the population canNOT read people... or they ignore their ability to do so. Either that or the world is full of sociopaths who just don't care
We (you and I and others like us) seem to be a dying breed.

I LOVE my ability to read people. I just wish I could turn it off every now and then. It would be nice to go shopping without being on edge.

And yeah, Omnis. My family was very destructive and emotionally aloof (except to be abusive). My dad constantly cursed and belittled my mother and he was very heavy-handed with my (half) brother. One event in particular stands out in my memory. My brother was caught skipping school one day. My dad threw him down onto a beanbag chair and started spanking him. But then he closed his fists and started wailing on him- back, butt, thighs etc. I stood up and told him "enough!" and he realized what he was doing and walked away.
That sort of rage was common but it was usually bottled up or verbally released.

I started sneaking out when I was about 14 years old or so- just to get some peace and quiet and to be utterly alone.
I now live several states away from my parents and we speak maybe once every 3 months or so. I feel I never bonded with them.

My kids are like my family. They never learned diplomacy (?) and empathy (?) as I did. They're very volatile around one another. I eventually became overwhelmed by it all (too much chaos and negativity) that I retreated to a corner of the house and I rarely emerge.
I feel my bond with my kids is stunted.

The vast majority of the population CAN read people if they try. Almost everyone though is not aware of that fact. Most people are just ignorant of it and don't care. They could read people if they tried though, but they are oblivious. You get overwhelmed though, seriously, you just gotta detatch, don't focus on reading them, just let it happen. Let them feel what they feel, just observe don't get entangled. Meditate. You will have more control over yourself.

So you can read people's emotions, but this in itself is not the problem. The problem is that you then alter your own emotions, either in an attempt to change their emotions, or an automatic shift toward the emotions you're perceiving. In the first case, my suggestion is to realize there's only so much possible for you to change, and also that you don't need to cater to everyone. In the latter case, as already expressed, detaching yourself from your emotions should prove helpful, as well as realizing you are emulating before the emulation goes too far.

Let them feel what they feel, just observe don't get entangled. Meditate. You will have more control over yourself.

i'd also add that once you've learned how to control your urge to tell people what you know, or what you've learned about this ability, the more you'll have access to as far as what your mind is willing to accept.

Always do your best, no more and no less. Don't let your perceived feelings of people exhaust your energy, remember that you are only capable of doing your best.

Oh, I NEVER tell people I know how they feel. That's why I say "perceive" because there's a chance I could be wrong

Ever since I was a kid, I called myself a chameleon because I do try to change my own mood because of someone else's. But as Abra pointed out, I can only change so much and I shouldn't feel I have to cater to everyone.

Ah yes, and Erii, you said it much better. It's not that people CAN'T read others. I agree that anyone could. But for whatever reason, they just tend not to (or don't care to)

Thanks for the reply's everyone. They've given much to think about.
But how to change it? When I'm around certain people I just feel like they suck the energy right out of me, as if they're some sort of strange emotional vampires It's the main reason I limit contact with my parents.

Sorry I missed this topic Zhay, I kind of fell into a groove where I only payed attention to the threads I'd already posted in. I'll just add a little input.

I know exactly where you're coming from. When I was younger I used to think of myself as a mirror personality because I would just immediately change to match the personality of anyone I was talking to as much as possible as to avoid any kind of confrontation and/or promote friendship. Like Erii's said, I don't believe this is a special ability of any kind. It's just a useful aspect of the mind that some people ignore because they're oblivious or immature. Everyone does this to some degree whether they know it or not, but that degree will change for instance if they do it for literally everyone or just the people they feel they most need to stay on good terms with, or anywhere in between.

As for toning it down, I'm not totally sure how to help you there. Just meditation like has been said, I guess. I never really thought of it as a problem, myself. I'm kind of drawn to overloading my mind in these ways and others as a way of dissociating from my normal self, as an escape. It's also one of the reasons I love music so much because when I listen to a song with an artist singing, my overly vivid imagination starts acting up (when I was in elementary and middle school I could get so zoned out that my body kept acting on auto-pilot while I was in a fully formed day dream ) and I start feeling like I'm mirroring the artists' personalities, and then I'll just start feeling like I actually am that artist and get caught in a trance. Often when I finish listening to a song I feel like I'm waking up from a dream. I love it when that happens, so, I've never really tried to stop the feeling before.

I'm picturing something like the dude from Psych

hahaa- if only we should all be that "blessed" (as Shaun from Psych)!
I observe only the emotions of others- everything else is a huge blur. Forget knowing how many people are in one room at any given time let alone what each of them is wearing *whew*

oooh, and Aly, I DO love that about music. But strangely, I don't imagine the song as images. The truly great songs I see as energy- a breathing, pulsating living thing. And when a song can give me goosebumps, I call it perfect.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

oooh, and Aly, I DO love that about music. But strangely, I don't imagine the song as images. The truly great songs I see as energy- a breathing, pulsating living thing. And when a song can give me goosebumps, I call it perfect.

It's very interesting that you'd put it that way, because though I do picture myself as the artist or even just myself in some sort of fantasy, it's not really like a story-based fantasy or anything, it's more just like me in some kind of dissociative euphoria. It's kind of hard to describe, but it's often just like even picturing myself rolling around in happiness while I'm actually doing it. There is an image aspect to it, but it's still about the energy. And it'll change based on the song, like for psychedelic music I'll usually picture it as like waves and lines of rainbow energy floating off of me with bright, pulsing colors in the background. For club songs it's usually dark but neon-colored and involves lots of recursive patterns and angled movements. And for really light and "glowy" songs (as I'll call them for the sake of this ) it's just like I'm shining with white light.

This song would be a good example for the last one, it's one of my favorite euphoria songs.

Awesome video and great song.

Here's a song that gives me goosebumps pretty much from beginning to end:
Jekyll & Hyde - Dangerous Game - YouTube

That's a pretty cool song. I like her voice especially, her vocals are great. At first she reminded me of this sing I used to listen to a lot, it's not a similar theme but it is pretty good.

EXCELLENT choice!
*shivers*