Thread: tell me the funniest jokes you've ever heard

Originally Posted by Spartiate

"Un gars rentre dans un bar, et sort de l'autre."

That's cute, but moan-inducingly tacky

Yeah, well the presentation is everything I guess .

Why'd the dead baby cross the road?

...

Because it was stapled to the chicken.

I am hoping we aren't continue with the dead baby jokes. Maybe if I use them all up they won't keep coming. I don't remember them as well as I did back in 8th grade, but let's see.

What's the difference between a ferrari and a big pile of dead babies?

I don't have a ferarri in my garage.

What's bruised black and blue, bleeding, showing bone and stapled together?

My kid when he shows lip.

How do you make a two year old cry twice?

By wiping your bloody penis on his teddy bear.

Man walks into the entropy bar, bartender asks, "Can I take your order?"

Two men are in a bar exchanging words.
One drunk continues, "I had a big house, luxury sedan and women and then BAM! They are gone."
His friend asks, "What happened?"
A drunk replies, "My wife found out."

I got another one.

A man's wife is on her deathbed and her husband is holding her hands tearfully. Then she says, "I have to make a confession to you otherwise, I don't think I can rest."
Then a man replies, "Shhh, you just rest now, it's ok."
but she urges, "No, this is important, I'm sorry I've slept with another man."
then a man simply says, "I know, that's why I poisoned you."

If a tree falls on a baby in a forest, and nobody's around to hear it, is it still hilarious?

Three anglers sitting in a pub, boasting, trying to outdo each other.

The first one says:" I cast out my bare hook, and I pulled in a 10lb bass!"

The second one says: "Huh? That's nothing! I cast out my bare hook and pulled in a 20lb mullet!"

The third one says: "I got you both beaten! I cast out my bare hook and I pulled in an ancient roman oil lamp!"

The other two look nonplussed and one says: "So what? There's loads of that sort of stuff around here!"

.. and the third one replies: "Yeah.. but this one was still alight!"

Went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. I stood in the short line.


Just one lady in front of me. . .an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo y en. Today I get hunat eighty?? ... Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"

Originally Posted by Infinityecho

Went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. I stood in the short line.


Just one lady in front of me. . .an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo y en. Today I get hunat eighty?? ... Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"

OMG that is the funnies joke ever i am at work and i can't stop laughing... i think it's now ovious i'm not doing my work!

"A woman I was dancing with told me she had a yeast infection. I asked if she could make me a loaf of bread."

I came across this.

Originally Posted by xenophilius

"The top 10 unintentionally worst company URL
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s
world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name
selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do
this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies
who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give
their domain names enough consideration:1. A site called ‘Who Represents’ where you can find the name of the agent
that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South
Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their
whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hp3T0...eature=related

How do you make a dead old lady float?

One scoop of ice cream, one scoop of dead old lady.


What is funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby in a clown suit.


Why did Helen Keller's dog jump off the cliff?

You would too if your name was Aghrkofgjarkdgihg.


Why didn't Superman stop the 9/11 attacks?

He was paralyzed.


Why did the pervert cross the road?

His penis was stuck in the chicken.


What is the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered women's shelter?

It better be the God damn dishes.

Here's a joke my big brother, Connor, told me on St. Patty's Day. Occasionally - not to be stereotypical! - only Irish people get it but here it goes:


So, this mick is sitting in a pub, laughing it up with a couple o' friends when he looks over and see a man that looks jus' like 'em. He looks at his mates and says; "Say, that gent looks jus' like me! I'm goin' to go have a word," snorting, his friends nod him off.

Well the mick goes to the man that looks jus' like 'em and taps him on the shoulder. The man turns to look at him, goes wide eyed and says; "Feck! You look jus' like me!" the other man laughs heartily and says; "Aye! I was jus' thinkin' that me self!"

"Where were you born?" asked the look-alike.
"Dublin, o'course!" answers the first.
"Great Scott! I was born in Dublin!"
"Ye don' say? Oy, where do you live?"
"434 Shamrock street!"

The look-alike's eyes go wide and he sputters on his Guinness.
"Bleedin' Jesu, I live on Shamrock Street! Who were your parents?"
"Shannon and Connor. Yours?"
"Mine were Shannon and Connor!"

"Blimey! I'm going to buy you a pint!" shouts the first, pounding his fist on the bar.
"I'm going to buy you a pint, too!" shouts the look-a-like.

Well the shift changes and the night bartender replaces the morning.
"Oy, Sully, anything interesting happen today?"
"Oh...Seamus hit the bottle a wee too hard, he's lying o'er there in the corner. I'd leave him til morn, his woman'll be lookin' for 'im."
"Aye, good old Seamus. Anythin' else?"
"Well...the Murphy twins are drunk again."

I don't know why, but for some reason I find this to be the best joke ever:

A baker is baking cookies in his store, when suddenly a man enters the shop.
"Heeeeeey, baker!!!" he shouts. "I fucked your mom, HAHA!"
To which the baker replies: "Shut up, dad."

And for the dead baby jokelovers:

How do you stop your baby from crawling in circles?


...Nail down it's other foot.

And the last one, which you probably won't understand if you never watched porn:

Two women enter a perfumeshop. They wander about, looking at all the little flasks and bottles, when the shop clerk decides to help them.
"May I help you, ladies?" he asks politely. One of the ladies looks at the bottle she's holding in her hand. "Yes, could you tell me what this means?"
Viens à moi, the label says. The clerk has a look and tells the ladies that it's french. "That means come to me."
The lady opens up the bottle and sniffs. She then turns to her friend and says: "Hey, michelle! This doesn't smell like cum to me! Does it smell like cum to you?"

Superman was flying up in the sky to pass the time and he saw Wonderwoman on the roof of the building lying on her back completely naked. As he secretly fancied her, he flew towards with a light of speed and banged her hard and flew away in seconds.
Wonderwoman said, "What was that?"
and the invisible on top of her replied, "I don't know but it hurt A LOT."

A bishop, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The barmen looks at them and asks "What is this... some kind of a joke?"

Originally Posted by Emerald Wolf

A bishop, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The barmen looks at them and asks "What is this... some kind of a joke?"

goodone!

Heres a good joke: women's rights.

Three men are on a quest to get to a house filled with donuts. Just as the house comes within sight, a huge earthquake hits and opens up a chasm right between them and the house. "Dang," says the first guy, kicking a rock off the edge.

BUT the rock was really a lamp, so a genie came out and said, "I'll give you one wish apiece - that's three wishes. You can turn into anything you want. Just jump off the cliff and yell what you want to be." Then he vanishes.

The first guy steps back, gets a running start, jumps off the cliff, and yells "Hawk!" He turns into a hawk, flies accross the canyon, and lands just as he turns back into a human.

The second guy steps back, gets a running start, jumps off the cliff, and yells "Eagle!" He turns into an eagle, flies accross the canyon, and lands just as he turns back into a human.

The third guy steps back, gets a running start, and trips over a rock just before he jumps. "Oh, crap!"

A mans wife goes into labor and they rush to the hospital.
A few hours later the baby is born. The doctor cuts the umbilical cord, grabs the baby by the ankle and slams it's head against a table. then he picks it up and throws the baby against the wall as hard as he can. The babies parents start losing their minds and screaming, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO OUR BABY!!?!?!?" The doctor kicks the baby across the room, then turns to them and says, "ahahah, im just fucking around..it was already dead"

Thats horrible and hilarious at the same time

Originally Posted by kingofclutch

Heres a good joke: women's rights.

...and femnism