Yeah, I tend to let other parts of myself go a bit too loose in this forum, which may confuse some people. But I can't do anything much to stop it, and it's just when I go to the hawt female thread....I just let my mind go blank...no morals, no dignity, just turn into an animal, but it's because....how can I put it this way...I just have let other parts of me be satisfied (not what you think, as something to look at and be done with )
Yeah, I've noticed I've rarely done drawings just for my own means, but there was one time when I had to do a project for a poem, and I decided to draw myself in different positions. It was a poem about a Mother's Treasure...and I included a picture of me and my mother when I was a child.
I know I come off as this immature, senseless pervert at times in the hawt female thread, but it's my fault for just being so.....accepting of other sides of my personality. I admit, it does get out of hand, and I worry that others might think I have no respect for the opposite gender, but it's just my ego, I try to suppress it, but I just can't do that, it'll just come back stronger and stronger.
And most of those raunchy comments, I just did it to make the guys who are looking at the thread laugh a little bit, but I don't really like speculating on those comments myself. I'm weird that way. It's like I'm trying to verify this pathetic facade of the "alpha male," when in reality, I'm still a child. And the drawings I do for others, I feel like I'm a child again, just trapped in his own little world, ignoring all of the events in waking life, just going so into the drawings, that sometimes I find out who I really am, and much more.
And thanks for saying that I seem like a nice guy, I always was afraid that you might think I'm just some jerk after some stupid threads I made, my ego keeps making WAY too many temptations, and I try to go crazy to prevent myself from doing so, which is why I may look like a kid in the IRC at times. I just don't want to think so seriously all the time, every day, I just stay quiet most of the time because I've become so cynical of the the environment around me, and I just let myself "live" and let parts of my emotions out, but just inside of my head, which makes me ignore people who might actually care about me.
I just try to hide the hypocrisy between being sane and just acting like a misanthropist, constantly shifting through several personalities/roles, just to see what my mind can formulate out of them. I act like an idiot sometimes because it's easier for people to question me, and I can see how they think of me, and it just ends up becoming more twisted. It's like I love seeing myself regress to such incompetence, just to feel the ignorance, and to know when to get out of it to get things done in life. I just don't know who I am at times, and when I draw, I find I'm more sympathetic towards other people, because I love drawing.
I used to draw from imagination a lot as a child, making my own characters and everything, being saturated with that idealism and naivete of making my own show or book on some cliched story.
I apologize if I did confuse you with those posts, and you have every right to, you're just trying to make things less chaotic. I don't blame you if you thought I was a bit sexist in those comments, but do know that I never indulge myself in degrading women more and more in my mind. I usually just post and leave the thread for a long time until I just feel the urge, and it's hard controlling that urge because I've been trying to be the nice guy to everything in life.
And people keep saying that I need to go get out and party, but I just want to be alone, it's just those other parts keep tempting me, but I keep holding it back because I know I don't need to focus my life in doing things that won't help me survive (getting a degree and a career).
When I'm not thinking about DV, I'm a waaaay different person. I just hate those around me in waking life, but at the same time, I'm respectful to them and treat them as an equal, with the occasional inferiority and superiority complexes clashing back and forth. It's mostly just a battle within my mind, but lately, I just let them fight it out until there's no purpose in doing so.
I don't know how to describe myself, I just find myself exposing myself in many layers to conform to different situations, which is why some people might think I'm crazy on this forum. But I'm just like any other guy who never had much luck with women...the result? An ignorant person finding ways to just hate everyone because I can't even define myself, and just being exposed to so much crap that we have to experience, I just want to regress to that child like state (not the immature state), just the part that is living in idealism.
Which is why I love this forum, and why I was so interested in dreaming overall. To just know that I can go to the Dreaming or Astral Plane, no burdens, no responsibilities, no facades to sustain, no conflict between my mind.
I find my mind is at peace when I become lucid, to see the craziness, to see the sporadic nature, to engage in a sadomasochistic relationship with it because there is no other choice but for me to accept it. To know that I have to accept that I may have temptations like any other guy to berate on woman, but knowing that it's degrading at the same time. To commit these same sins, and trying to find a way to split them, and combine that with my paranoia of the world, and constant struggle in trying not to worry too much about what others think about, it's more relaxing to see myself going through so much confusion within me, knowing that there are sides that must be satisfied, but also knowing that I cannot let them go out to the point where it gets out of hand.
This may sound crazy, but this is what I really do. I just find myself being more open both light and dark, and with lucid dreaming, I find myself constantly creating moments of motivation to know who I really am, and to hopefully find that medium, the vessel that knows how to calculate every single release of emotion, to accept the inevitable hypocrisy to comes with it, and to die hoping that I can continue gaining more knowledge somewhere else.
I even find myself contradicting my schemata, life, and much more...but it's to just experiment. If I were to actually become confident in myself, I'd be in a situation that many people want. A decent career, family, etc. But ever since I've become so engrossed with dreaming and beyond, these small acts I portray on the forum, I don't know...it's not me being unstable, it's hard to explain without trying to make an excuse for my actions.
I have complete control of myself, but it's like there's this angel on my side that can get too worried about what I'm experiencing, and convince me to ignore, speculate, or actually act out those temptations. It's not something I hate, I have to accept because it's who I am.
I don't like being serious, and I would be a boring person to most people on the forums if I was, and I wouldn't want to be the one who loves being condescending, especially in the ED threads, which is why I purposefully just see how I think in my most blank state of mind. I hope you get where I'm going with this.
Hope I'm not getting more serious this time, because everything I just typed is something I've been trying to conceal the moment I came on to this forum. It's the type of personality that demands perfection, that demands that I'm capable of doing many things, of being over powered to others in waking life. It's a lot of strain, but it's so much fun being stressed out because I find things get so much easier to cope with. I respect everyone in this forum, and sometimes I try to hard to be nice to where people might think that I'm being too desperate, when I'm not. It's just that since I'm in this world, I might as well enjoy the luxury of contradicting ideals of humanity, and to accept that needs have to be met, whether I like them or not.
Once you fiddle around with the layers I put up, you'll find that I really just want to get life over and done with, and hopefully have my own adventures somewhere else. To be courageous, weak, kind, open-minded, cynical, incompetent, and so many other forms to experiment with. It's really for my own intentions, even though it does seem like I'm being nice to others.
But that's just putting it in a broad perspective. I would like to declare more of this contradicting lifestyle of mine, but feel free if you want to know more, I don't mind. This forum is probably the only forum that I can relate to many people, no matter how different they are to me.
To make it short, I try to be neutral in everything. Knowing that I have to carry on by making a family and children, but not being so indulged with the innocence that comes with it (trying to raise a child right, etc.).
It's hard for me to explain, it's just carrying out the mission that humanity has been so fueled by, to just survive long enough to create children to pass things on.
Edit:
I find myself doubting my own skills as well, sometimes I just shrivel up into nothingness because I feel there isn't really any purpose, that it's going to die anyway. But I do know that it's worth making those moments count because they don't last forever.
But it's just the effort of not caring of being acknowledged is something I try to avoid, but I can't. I guess it's just part of being human. And sometimes, I end up just doing something else that I think is productive.
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